Walked into the laundry room while my wife was unloading the dryer... She says,"I'm sweating my a$$ off"

I said," ahh sweatin to the foldies"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madastep12
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2018
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I was just unloading the dishwasher next to my dad...

I noticed on one of the cups that there was some rice, so I said "Look, that's not very clean."

To which my dad replied, "Well, the rice is clean."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/phingley
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2013
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Barbie and Ken are continually arguing over who will empty the dishwasher. One day, Ken says "Barbie, I've unloaded the dishwasher every day this week.. can you PLEASE do it just this once?"

..."No, Ken do"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/canadaddy-o
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
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A truck unloaded tons of hand tools into a river...

It is now a screwed river

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
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The marine instructor told us to stand down at the firing range, so I unloaded my weapon.

Yes, it was a strange time to masturbate and eventually lead to my dishonorable discharge.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2019
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What do you call a longshoreman who only unloads sugar substitutes?

A steviadore.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dazwah
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2015
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Unloaded This One The Other Day...

Friend at work - "Hey, your beard is getting long... i like it" Me - "Yeah, it's really starting to grow on me" Friend at work - "..." (walks away)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BabyMadeAboomBoom
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2014
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I hired lawyers to sue the airline company for mishandling my luggage.

They lost my case.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2018
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At the mall parking lot when a bus load of middle school band kids unloads

"Wow, where do you think all those kids come from?"
"Their homes."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrBadTacos
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2013
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I recently got a job in a funeral home.

I've had some difficulty loading and unloading the coffins from the vehicles, so I decided to practice.

Now I spend all day rehearsing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sirnogbert88
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
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I'm finding that as I get older, I am becoming more and more resistant to change. It makes me uncomfortable, and I try to avoid it whenever possible.

I mean, dollar bills are so much easier to carry around.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/uptwolait
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2014
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Dad joked the frito lay guy

Scene- Frito lay guy unloading truck at the local grocery store.

Dad- walks up to the frito guy, puts his hand on his shoulder and says to him, "they only call you when the chips are down"

Frito guy- laughs all the way back to the truck

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thegoodwookie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2015
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Wife and kids were heading to the local stable

They were going to help unload hay bales that are delivered there once a month. As she was backing out of the garage, I waved goodbye and yelled, "Tell everyone I said hay!"

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
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A new dad moved in next door...

So, as the title says, a new dad moved in next door with his young wife and infant son.

All the houses in the neighborhood are fairly modest and perfect for new families and first time homebuyers, so we get a lot of those.

As they were unloading, I decided to do the neighborly thing and quickly introduce myself without getting too much in their way.

While we were chatting, his wife comes out with the LARGEST great dane I’ve ever seen.

The shock on my face must’ve been obvious because he quickly explained, with a bit of an annoyed tone, β€œYea, that’s my wife’s dog. I still have my childhood cat, but now this is my biggest pet, Peeve.”

β€œCome say hello, Peeve!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/racas
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2018
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Stolen from a friends Facebook post

OK... so did you ever notice how every time you spend 4 days alone in the woods and you make it out without a scratch or even a mosquito bite, and you're feeling all peaceful and relaxed and at one with the universe, you're not home 20 minutes and unloading the back of your truck when you slam your right shin into the trailer hitch... and amid the flashing white stars around you, your fists clench, your teeth grit, your body tenses and every "mean, nasty and ugly" word you ever read, heard, uttered or even imagined ("Wait... is #*&%#@!!! even a word??? Oh what the heck? It works!") goes tearing through your brain.... and eventually it passes and you keep working, surprised you're not even limping and it doesn't hurt more than it does... and almost an hour later, when you're finished and getting undressed to take your first hot shower in days, you see a lump on your shin the size of Rhode Island... and the first image that pops into your head is John Merrick yelling "I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!!!... in fact, it literally looks like a second knee on your right leg... so you spend the rest of the evening keeping it elevated and icing it on and off, alternating between a blue gel pack and a bag of frozen peas.... and when you go to bed, you keep the gel pack on while you read and then take it off before you go to sleep... and then you wake up around 3AM and decide to check your shin and the swelling has gone down quite a bit... but since you still have several hours before you get up, you decide to ice it again... but the gel pack on the floor is no longer cold so you get up, walk to the kitchen and open the fridge... and after taking a bite of leftover pizza from last night (because... well, you're here and what the heck?), you go into the freezer, grab the bag of frozen peas and take them back to bed with you... but they're all frozen into one big solid ball and well, that won't do... so you lay the bag on the bed to pound it once or twice to break them up, but instead the bag bursts open and suddenly there are frozen peas sprayed all over the bed and rolling onto the floor... and all those words from yesterday come rushing back into your head as you kneel to gather them all up... but suddenly your anger completely vanishes and you can't help laughing to yourself as you think, "gee, I can't remember the last time I pea'd the bed in the middle of the night"???

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Markwittz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2017
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Today my wife finally made it to the dark side after years of groans

So I tend to tell bad dad jokes as a nerd and father they fit well and my wife has grown tired but today she got me.

My eldest is away on a trip and the dishwasher is normally his chore, backstory over..

My wife is sorting the dishwasher and on completion states that we will have to unload the dishwasher in the morning or this evening and then we can put a cleaner in it..... she may protest but I’m sure we can make her fit... she then continued to laugh at her own dad joke for some time..

Achievement unlocked..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jrowlinson
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2017
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25 and still getting dad joked.

I was discussing my new job in a home improvement chain's distribution center with my dad and told him I unloaded a truck full of blinds. His response, "Sounds shady."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/that_one_fell
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2015
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A friend and I were sitting outside

And our neighbor, who was unloading his van, asked if he could borrow us for a bit to help out. My friend said sure. I looked at her and sang "I think we're a loan now..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2017
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Shopping with Dad

Black Friday shopping with my dad and we make a trip out to the car to drop off our bags. There must have been no other parking spots left because as we were unloading, a car pulls up and asks us, "Are you two going out?" My dad replies, "No, we're related."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andrea_burrito
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2013
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I'm not a Dad, but I have potential, just give me time.

Went out grocery shopping and grabbed some thyme as I was planning to cook this soup I make that uses quite a bit of it. My girlfriend is helping me unload the groceries and notices the thyme, saying, "You know we still have a shaker of thyme right?"

I respond with a forlorn sigh and a wistful look into the distance, "Thyme sure flashes by..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bthoman2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2014
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Dad joked at work today.

At work we we have a large fireplace we use to heat the shop in the winter. Occasionally a sign shop down the street gives us some long cardboard tubes (think toilet paper but longer and thicker) that we can burn. It's a win-win situation that gets rid of their garbage and provides us heat for the winter.

Anyways I pick up the tubes and come pulling in the shop with a truck bed full. I start unloading when my boss comes up to help out. Upon seeing the tubes he makes the shaka sign (surfer hand symbol with thumb and pinky out) and says "Tubular".

I physically groaned at this one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KitKatMasterRace
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2014
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I had bought some ground beef

My dad came into the kitchen while I was unloading some groceries I had bought.

Dad: Why did you get lean beef?

Me: Huh?

Dad: You got 93% fat free.

Me: Oh whoops, I didn't mean to.

Dad: More like you didn't lean to.

Couldn't help but chuckle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/momentgenerating
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2014
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My dad jokes have been rubbing off on my wife.

We were unloading the dishwasher and she accidentally hit me in the but with a dish. I said, I always knew you were kinky. Her reply, "Yep, I used to have a perm."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PoweredByADD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2014
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I was proud of this one I used today...

My son, who's 8 was making some tea and unloading the dishwasher. I offered to help him pour the boiling water from the teapot and he said, "I just wanted to do it by myself."

I replied with "Well, you can put up the dishes by yourself."

He pointed to a bowl on the counter and said, "Well you can put that up by yourself."

I said, "You wanted to do things by yourself, why don't you find a way?"

He said, "I can't! I'm not tall enough!!"

To which I replied, "Hmmm ... sounds like you're still faced with a lot of shortcomings."

Lame, I know, but it still made me chuckle, and that, in the end, is all that really matters.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sinner_vip
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2013
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Dadjoked one of the officers today.

I was unloading salt from a truck when one of the lieutenants was walking by. He asked me what was going on and I said "Sir, I'm just being the saltiest marine around!" A groan followed my statement.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeastOfEire
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2014
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Grandfather still has dad jokes

So my grandfather and grandmother just drove to our house from Texas and brought all their necessities for the next few days. As we were unloading their car, my grandma pulls out a bag of cosmetics and medications and joked that it was everything they needed. Instantly, my grandfather said, "Hey, that bag could make you pretty sick."

Damn it, Papa.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SongOfIceAndLiars
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2013
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Do nephew jokes count too? My brother has an (almost) 3 year old with a hilarious sense of humor.

He was just finishing eating some of his mom's leftover birthday cake and his dad asked, ”do you want some milk to wash that cake down?”

”sure”

Dad hand him a cup of milk which he promptly dumps onto his plate and starts scrubbing.

Another one: my brother had just finished unloading the dishwasher and his son starts clappingmand says, ”good job daddy, I'm so proud of you, you unloaded the dish washer all by yourself!”

My brother accused me of reading Calvin and Hobbes to him on the sly when he told his son it was bath time and he started licking himself and said, "I'll just lick myself, that's what tigers do."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/13EchoTango
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2014
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Forward from dad several years ago...

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct, but how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doctor01001010
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2013
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My Dad, a long time ago

I was helping my Dad unload a trailer at a house he had just bought. Guy from across the street came over and was doing a bunch of random talking. At some point he said he had been in World War II. My Dad said "That's odd. I was in World War II and I don't remember seeing you there."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BobT21
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2015
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Intense movies with my dad lead to this sort of thing way too often...

Watching some intense mobster movie with my dad: Two guys come in with shotguns and unload about 10 shots into the don while he's eating really fancy food and drinking wine. Dad looks over. "They'll never get the wine out of that shirt."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Perfectionist569
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2013
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Oh my gourd...

My wife was ringing up a purchase at a craft store where the customer had purchased many fake pumpkins and other assorted decorative fruits for fall. As the customer unloaded her cart, the gourds kept piling higher, and my wife exclaimed, "I'm feeling a bit squashed!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IBreakCellPhones
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2014
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