Mechanic: You should give your car a spoiler to improve its handling.
Me: Iron Man dies at the end.
I was handling prawns with tongs and a pair of scissors
I guess it was open prawn surgery
My friend just started a business gathering sticks together and tying them for convenient handling...
He hopes to make a bundle!
Be careful about handling blocks of cheese.
Some of them might be sharp.
What do you do before handling bees.
You have to bee prepared.
Why should you be extra careful handling duck eggs?
They're prone to quacking.
Why are basketball players good at handling breakups?
Because they can always rebound
My girlfriend is handling the death of her fish very well.
She told me "I think he is ofishally dead."
I was directing a film the other day, and there was a lot of confusion as to who was handling all the costumes.
Basically set decoration, we had a small crew. A lot of the actors and the rest of the crew were confused who was in charge of those items. Luckily, Jason was a reliable, honest guy. In fact, he was one of the most honest, dependable people I knew on set.
So that evening before we had dinner together, I called Jason to the center, and thanked him for the quality of work that he'd put out so far, and I said "Props to Jason."
My dad was handling some financial stuff for an elevator company...
"Man, it would be so boring to work there...but I'm sure it has its ups and downs!"
I was telling my dad that I'm good at handling tough situations, he responded with this:
"Just remember: whenever you're in a tight spot and don't know what to do, ask yourself: What Would Scooby Doo?" I groaned loudly in response and he giggled to himself for a good 3 minutes.
I'd like to meet the dentist that would handle this
I am a mom but, here goes
Did you know that NASA sent a chicken to the moon?
You remember the a pollo missions.
My wife said she wanted to try and get rid of her love handles...
I said she'll look stupid without any ears 👂
I ordered a self help tape called, "How to handle disappointment."...
When the package came....the box was empty.
What do call a bike trail that shows no empathy.
I can’t handle going camping with my friend anymore...
My kids keep playing with my love handles
It's their favorite roll playing game.
My 8 year old nephew attended his first wedding. But his cousin had a question for his after the ceremony.
"Hey, how many women can a guy marry?"
"16!"
"How did you figure that out."
"Simple. I just listen to the minister and added them up: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer. That's 16!
If you're a flapjack and you need to go pee you maple the 3rd handle
I just saw a lady in a video who just handled honey bees and moved their home without wearing any gloves or equipment...
I guess she’s just studied their beehiveior enough to know what she’s doing
I replaced the handle on the toilet today!
Me: I replaced the handle on the toilet today!
Teenager: (Sarcastic) And aren't you proud of it?
Me: Flushed with success.
I normally knock on the fridge door before I open it...
Just in case there’s a salad dressing
My girlfriend hit her knee on a drawer handle
I heard my girlfriend from the kitchen say "Ow!"
I walked in and said "what happened?"
She said pointed to a drawer handle and said "I knee'd this"
I said, "Well, I can get you more"
I tried smoking pot once.
All these puns are
Much much me me me me handle handle
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes...
You need to let that mango.
I cant handle how sharp this is.
Why did the can crusher quit his job?
Because it was soda-pressing.
Looks like my door couldn't handle it
A bag couldn’t handle the heavy weight
My son can’t handle my jokes
let me tell you the twitter handle of a horror company out of this world
@mustfear
edit : thisnisna dad joke. not intended as an actual twitter handle search.
I used to be in a band called "The Hinges"
Ducks really cannot handle being stressed out
They quack under pressure
My favorite ax handle broke and I was very upset...
...but I got a new one and I think I handled it well.
I was going to tell a joke about bicycle tires, but i couldnt handle the preasure
I think i might have put the BAR too high
When im done i will let out a PSIgh of relief
I used to have a handle on life
I failed shop because I couldn't handle the bow saw used to cut intricate external shapes and interior cut-outs in woodworking
I may not have the fanciest dough mixing machine...
but it handles all my kneads.
My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear, when she asked, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?” In my best bear voice, I replied...
“No thanks, I’m stuffed!"
My doctor told me I can't handle the truth
You don't really hate cats....
You just can't handle rejection.
I really don’t have a handle on things right now.
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