You know you're licked when you get home and are greeted by...

...your dog!

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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I licked some poison that instantly produces amnesia.

Can't remember its name, but it just was on the tip of my tongue.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LuneFox
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2020
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My cat licked my finger after I'd been eating salt and vinegar chips.

Talk a bout a sour puss.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pyrrhios
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2017
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So I just playfully licked my girlfriend on her cheek...

And my dad says "HEY. You can't do that without a liquor license."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Comrade_Commodore
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2014
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How many licks does it take to get to the center of a hamster?
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
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Canadian officials warn drivers not to let moose lick their cars...

or they could be charged with a salt.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeeSeaBayBee
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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I must be in the minority, but I always lick my knife when I'm done

None of the other surgeons seem to do it !

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
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Dad, I need help writing a sentence using the word "irony."

Try this : I licked a golf club and it tasted irony.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/heavyduty1930
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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lip licking good
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maks_rsn
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
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An beautiful woman orders a turkey sandwich at a deli, with pickles on the side. The guy behind the counter looks at her and says, "You like big pickles?" and winks. As he slides her a pastrami sandwich she looks at him, smiles, licks her lips and says

Wait, wrong sub.

πŸ‘︎ 668
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πŸ‘€︎ u/baconaboot
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2020
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What do you get when you lick a Toyota?

The corolla virus.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
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Gar licks bread.
πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Iamexceptional
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
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What’s the difference between me and the family dog?

The dogs allowed to walk naked around the house

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/imkindaspiffy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
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What’s the majority of cows religious beliefs?

Moo-slims

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChubChuz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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Are you watching?
πŸ‘︎ 131
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kacsaminator
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
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What did Thumper get charged with when he stole a slurp of Bambi's ice-cream cone?

Assault-lick.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Animakitty
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
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Did you hear about the guy who beat up a lollipop?

He gave it a good licking.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
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Sometimes my dog licks my feet and I can't stand it...

I'm lick toes intolerant.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kettykie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
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Little Johnny is in class on day

The teacher asks the class, β€œ there are five birds on a power line, and you shoot two of them, how many are left?”

Johnny replies, β€œ none the rest flew away when they heard the shot.”

The teacher says, β€œ no three are left but I like the way you think.”

So then Johnny says, β€œ let me ask you a question. There are three women eating ice cream, one licking it, one sucking it, and one biting it, which ones married?”

The teacher says, β€œ the one sucking?”

Johnny says, β€œ no the one with the wedding ring but I like the way you think.”

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnorakBeta
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
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What's the difference between chemistry and cooking

In chemistry you should never lick the spoon

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpookyWeebou
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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A friend of mine said he was having sex with his girlfriend and then the cat jumped on their bed and started licking his butt

I said to the friend: "you're lucky he didn't get a prize for it, that would have been a catasstrophy"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aereau
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2020
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No matter how hard you push the envelope ...

It'll still be stationery.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
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What do you call a popsicle with booze in it?

An alcohol lick

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/callmefinny
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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I saw a sign that said 'do not touch', however there was something weird about the sign....

I couldn't put my finger on it....

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirCarpetOfBurn
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2019
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My wife asked me to give the cat a bath today while she was at work

My tongue is soo sore right now.

πŸ‘︎ 82
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πŸ‘€︎ u/danspud69
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
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He takes a licking
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Christophoro
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2019
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What do dogs do when they need to take a break from playing with each other?

They press paws.

(My kids gave this joke zero stars but my dogs think it’s fantastic)

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CapnFancyPants
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
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Most protestants are dog people

...they don't like cat licks.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/salazarjohann
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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How many licks to the center of a Tootsie Pop?

Give me a second; it's on the tip of my tongue.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YoureAMuenster
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
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My wife to our dog: "Stop licking my book!"

Me to my wife: "She's just trying to say you have good taste in books."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/geescottjay
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2019
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What do you call a drink so good you have to lick the bottle?

Liquor

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dd0sed
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2019
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When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chivrak
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
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What country invented lollipops?

Lick-tenstein.

Not really though. Pretty sure.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
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I saw a lone lion out on the Savannah licking it's balls...

Has it no pride?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2019
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My dog was licking his balls

My friend said β€œI wish I could do that.” Told him you’d better pet him first, he’s kind of mean.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tdrusk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2018
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Title
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BanAllPineapples
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
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My hamster got into an accident after licking my beer glass.

He fell asleep at the wheel.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2018
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Miley Cyrus licks a hammer and everyone loves it but

I do it and get kicked out of the hardware shop Β―\_(ツ)_/Β―

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kalas_critic
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2018
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The final four letters in the word β€œqueue” aren’t silent...

They’re just waiting their turn...

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2018
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Why did the walrus lick the envelope?

Because it was looking for a good SEAL!

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jam219
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2017
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My wife is still mad at me because I accidentally put superglue on her pen a few days ago.

She just can’t seem to let it go.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2018
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My dog was licking himself

My brother and I both yelled at him to stop and my dad came out of nowhere and said "he must have his licker license"

We both let out a sigh.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stay_Cold
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2016
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If you lick the icing off a spoon...

Are you defrosting it?

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chivrak
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2018
🚨︎ report

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