My girlfriend said she'll leave me if I don't support Trump.
Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).
In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.
Are physical puns a thing here? I'm just gonna leave this here
I'm leaving r/dadjokes...
Hi, leaving r/dadjokes, I'm dad.
It’s my wife’s birthday soon and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogues all over the house.
So, I've taken the hint...
I got her a magazine rack!
The owner of the tuxedo store kept hovering over me when I was browsing, so I asked him to leave me alone.
He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”
I think my wife is leaving me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.
Oh well, hind sight is 1.
Why did the limestone leave her husband?
I came out to my Car this morning, and it was completely covered in fallen leaves..
..you could call it an Autumnobile now !
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said don’t forget your Baghdad.
A while ago I thought my wife was going to leave me because of my bad posture.
It was just a hunch.
I talked to her about it, turns out I was wrong, and I stand corrected.
I’m really not sure what I was all bent out of shape about.
That’s gonna leave a mark...
I got fired from the shoe factory, but they were nice enough to leave me with a parting gift.
A disgruntled employee of an axe throwing establishment was leaving one-star Yelp reviews
Apparently it was a real hatchet job
What did Prince leave on the neck of his guitar?
Where do you leave your dog?
What do you say when anxious ideas won't leave you alone?
Trump wants to leave America?
From the mouths of babes (in this case my seven year old daughter as I was leaving this morning...)
Daughter: Dad, it's really STUPID out there today. You'd better take your dumbrella.
Me: I've never been more proud.
Leave it to men to procrastinate...
3 days later, and still waiting on male ballots.
I'm just going to leave it here
What did the Indian say to his mother after leaving Bombay?
Why did the riot cop leave for work early?
My girlfriend is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
My wife said she'd leave me if I didn't stop the Star Wars puns.
Divorce is strong with this one.
Why do the British leave out the ‘t’ in ‘bottle’?
No matter what I do I can't get these pests to leave my house...
What happens when someone leaves Finland?
They cross the finish line
What did the yoga instructor say when he was asked to leave the building?
The founder of modern study.
Why are locksmiths allowed to remain open during lockdown?
Gloopy substance leaves hotel
What kind of car runs on leaves?
My friend, while driving through the mountains watching the leaves change: I love the winter. All the naked trees.
Me: Yeah, you can see all their knotty parts.
A Buddhist monk leave the monastery...
Dissatisfied with the style of life that he found there, The Monk decides to move into a suburban neighborhood and start up his own line of work. Being trained in the peaceful ways he gets on very well with his neighbours who eventually notice that he has a very strange profession. Despite being very strong and very philosophical The Monk elects to repeatedly visit places with broken fences and remove and replace them.
One day has neighbour approaches him and asks, "with the physical strength and mental capacity that you seem to have, are you not interested in a more physically or mentally challenging job?"
To which The Monk replies, "but everybody knows reposting gives you the most karma."
Why did the pirate get in his ship and leave immediately when he got a phone call?
The bouncer told me I had to leave.
When I asked "Why?" I was told...
Because it's my trampoline and I don't know you."
My hat told me he was leaving me
What do meth heads leave on your voicemail?
This guy just approached me and won’t leave me alone until I solve a trigonometry problem.
I don’t know what his angle is.
Now that the Fall is officially here, I can't wait to make tons of extra money gathering leaves..
.. last year I raked it in.
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
Why couldn’t Shrek leave his swamp?
Because he was under marshal law
Trump and Pence were preparing to leave the Whitehouse for a big rally. When the helicopter arrived, Trump wasn't ready yet, so Pence asked: "Do you want me to wait for you Mr. President?" ...
"No Mike, you fly on ahead and I'll catch up later".
What did the pie say to the muffin upon leaving?
I used to have a job collecting leaves
As I was leaving the vet’s office, he said “Here is the bill..
Sorry, that we were unable to reattach it to your duck.”
I was walking down the street after leaving the pharmacy and noticed a casket was chasing me. Well all I had was a bottle off cough syrup so I threw it at the casket...
...and then the coffin stopped.
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house...
The difference is staggering
What do people who like to annoy grammar snobs call it when you leave the Great Lakes unprotected?
Today I got out-dad joked by a 2 year old
I asked my daughter if she was hungry and she said "No, I'm Charlotte".
I'm so proud of her, but also I had been waiting to do the whole hi hungry, I'm dad bit to her when I thought she was old enough to get it. Now I feel like I've missed that window
Ireland has just introduced a maximum six person indoors rule. Where will that leave the seven dwarves..?
..one of them won't be Happy.
My wife said she's gonna leave me if I don't change and stop reading erotic novels
I decided to turn over a new leaf
Why did the fat guy leave the store?
He forgot his Debbie card
I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was a communist.
I should have known, there were red flags everywhere.
Didn't even leave the first.
Ducks love raw potatoes and will attempt to unearth them with their bill. Enthusiastically mistaking rocks for potatoes can cause damage leaving them...
Did you hear the nursery rhyme where one letter gets laid then leaves the other letter?
Are we going to talk about this oar what?
Messi leaving his team
Seems like a messy situation to be in.
My son asked me what it’s like to be married so I told him to leave me.
When he did, I asked why he was ignoring me.
Imma just leave this here
My wife threatened to leave me unless I take my iguana to the vet.
She says I have a reptile dysfunction.
It's soon autumn - you can tell, because summer leaves
... I'll be here all seasons...
Do you know why monks never leave a party?
They’re always thinking “NahImmaStay”
A couple of weeks ago my dad was taking us on a camping trip preceeded by a two hour drive, so a minute before we were going to leave the house he sat me and my brother down and told us:
Speak now or forever hold your pee
I just wanted to leave a few dad jokes if that's okay with all dads in this subreddit....
1.bI refused to believe my dad was fired as a road worker for theft
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
- Yesterday, I was fired from a keyboard factory
Apparently, I wasn't putting enough shifts.
- My friends bet me $50 that I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti
You should've seen the look on their face when I drove pasta.
- The price of a slice of an apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in Bahamas
These are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.
- "Welcome to the Plastic Surgery Addicts group", a man said.
"Btw I have to say I'm very disappointed to see only a few new faces this week."
I must admit, I joined this subreddit despite not being a dad.
I’m a faux pa.
Edit: This took off a lot better than I expected.
I feel like a father figure now.
Had too many drinks at the pub last night, so the lads suggested I leave the car there and take the bus home.
Turns out I was in no fit state to drive it home either.
Wife asked as I was leaving the bathroom if it was free.
Told her it didn't cost anything so far to use it.
What did the wolf say when he wanted to leave for a trip?
Let's GOOOOOoooooooooowwwww
(my 7yo daughter made this up and had me breathin hard through my noise for a split second)
What does every tickle me Elmo get before they leave the factory?
My girlfriend told me she would to leave if I didn’t stop quoting Micheal Jackson songs.
I carry dietary fiber with me instead of a knife when I leave the house...
I can’t tell you how many times it’s saved my ass.
Why did the programmer leave his job ?
Because he couldn’t hack it.
Why did Larry the lizard leave his lover longing?
he had ... a reptile dysfunction
This dog won't stop leaving me alone
Why did the doctor leave early ?
I’ll just leave this here
My wife threatened to leave me if I didn't stop making Shrek puns
So I guess our relationship might as well be ogre.
I'm absolutely terrible about leaving the toilet seat up, I admit.
But I probably shouldn't have married a blind woman and like to laugh so much.
What does a receptionist at a sperm bank say as the client is leaving?
Thanks for cuming and cum again.
Egg: If you take me seriously, you'll leave my shell intact and not remove my whites. Me: *Breaks Egg and removes whites*
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because if it were served warm it would be justwater
What's it gonna leave, Ethan? HUH? Say it. I DARE you.
Why did the two elephants have to leave the beach?
They only had a pair of trunks.
If you go into the bathroom an American, and you leave the bathroom an American, what are you while you’re in the bathroom?
Some guy just approached me and refused to leave until I solve a trigonometry problem.
I have no idea what his angle is.
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