My great grandmother lay dying in the hospital (I was born after she died) and no one knew if she was dead or just asleep, so someone said, "Feel her feet. No one ever died with warm feet."

My great grandmother opened her eyes and said, "Joan of Arc did." And those were her last words. She died a few minutes later.

That's a true story.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LassannnfromImgur
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2023
🚨︎ report
I still remember the final words my dad spoke to me, as he lay there in a hospital bed.

"Son, can you please stop messing with those tubes..."

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JonnySpanglish
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2022
🚨︎ report
Always the joker and full of life - as my uncle Frank lay dying last week, he asked that his cremains be buried in his favorite beer mug...

He said his dying wish was to be Frank-in-Stein.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2021
🚨︎ report
Last night as I lay in bed staring at the stars I thought to myself

Where the heck is the ceiling?

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
True story: I was visiting my wife in the hospital but the room didn't have a bed to lay down in so I laid down on the floor since I was tired. The nurse came in and asked "having a good time down there"?

I said "oh yeah. I'm just floored".

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fireburner80
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
🚨︎ report
I bought my daughter a Dorito bed. After many hours of assembly I told her she was free to lay in it.

Because it was Frito Lay

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperTyden
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the Green Giant lay down in the field?

So he could Rest in Peas.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OilPhilter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
🚨︎ report
TV Narrator* This is a mallard. A mallard is a dabbling duck that breeds throughout the world. This one is in search of a mate. A female will lay 8 to 13 eggs.

Duckumentary

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Odd-looking
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the dog lay in the sun all day?

He wanted to be a hot dog.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sparkei1ca
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the hen lay around in the barn all day?

She was EGGShausted.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Oceans-Stars
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
🚨︎ report
At night I like to lay in bed,

stare up at the stars and wonder, "Where's my roof?"

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rlbeasley
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2017
🚨︎ report
I wake up in the morning, then proceed to lay down on the couch

Dad: At least you didn't go to the refrigerator to get a hotdog. Then you would have gone from bed to wurst.

πŸ‘︎ 54
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ChAnKoEr
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2014
🚨︎ report
A Dad stopped me in the middle of a thick crowd to lay this one on me

Yesterday was Opening Day (baseball) at Target Field (Minnesota). The first 10,000 or so fans received a free blue zip-up hoodie with "Twins" emblazoned on the front. It's a damn fine hoodie.

It's also packed on the stadium concourse. 40,123 attendees that day. As my husband and I are making our way through a dense crowd along the right field concourse, an older gentleman stops me in my tracks with this big grin and says, "Wow, that's a great sweatshirt! Where'd you get it?"

He was holding one in his hand.

His other hand was holding that of his wife, who was rolling her eyes pretty hard. I imagine that was neither the first nor last time he'd made that joke yesterday.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bachrock37
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2015
🚨︎ report
What do you call a man with no arms or legs laying in a pile of leaves?

Russell

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AWintergarten
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2023
🚨︎ report
What's Speedy Gonzales's specialty in his carpet laying job?

Underlay! Underlay! Underlay!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2023
🚨︎ report
Laying in bed just now, my pregnant wife says "I want pie."

I said I only know the first couple of digits, but I'd be willing to fake it if that's what's going to moisten the clam.

πŸ‘︎ 990
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rmw83
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2021
🚨︎ report
So this French dude was working in a department store in France and a Karen comes up and starts laying it on him, asking for his manager.

Manager shows up, old stoner dude that's not having it. Karen starts whining and says "But you have to do what I say! The customer is king!" The manager looks at her in the eyes and says, "Ma'am, this is France. We decapitate kings."

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RickySan65
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2022
🚨︎ report
The other night I was laying in bed looking at the stars and thinking

Where the hell is my roof?

πŸ‘︎ 92
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/UnusualNovel1452
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2022
🚨︎ report
My sister made this shot on Facebook (in a group for finding deer antlers).
πŸ‘︎ 229
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Greenwing
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2023
🚨︎ report
How do you know a rooster that lays eggs lives high in the mountains?

Because Himalayan.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fphiszche
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2022
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend loves those Lays pickle flavored chips

I asked her if they were Dill-icious, and she said my dad jokes were getting dilly. I had to Lay it on her and said that I should’ve let it pickle in my head a bit longer. My style isn’t Kosher but I think the punchlines are Vlassic. Her mouth was left a-jar by the time I finished.

πŸ‘︎ 105
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Useful_Cook_9272
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2023
🚨︎ report
What time is it when you see a cow laying in a field?

Pasture bedtime

πŸ‘︎ 273
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PrincessCuteButt
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
If washing dishes in cold water is concerning to you... Here's a story about cold water sanitation

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan ..

After spending a great evening chatting the night away,Β the next morning John's grandfather preparedΒ breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate,Β and questioned his grandfather asking,

'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied,

'They're as clean as cold water can get em.Β  Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'

For lunch the old man made hamburgers.

Again, John was concerned about the plates,as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,

'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said,

'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't youΒ fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby townΒ and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dogΒ started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.

John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.

Without diverting his attention from the football gameΒ he was watching on TV, the old man shouted!

'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Whats_her_face-
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2023
🚨︎ report
Meta: The sub of late

The first order of business is asking everyone to ease off the "I was going to tell a ____ joke, but..." format for a while. Too many are reporting those as reposts. I like them, but there is the "comedic rule of 3," so maybe we can lay off telling them for a while. That goes for various permutations of this setup as well. So let's try not to wear others' punderwear.

Next, we have an issue with too many reporting things that are not in violation of either our rules or site-wide rules, and falsely accusing power users and karma-getters of being spambots. Our overall policy is not to remove high-karma posts unless they are actual commercial spam or are told at the expense of marginalized groups (per Reddit's sitewide rule #1). Please do not use the Report button as a "super downvote."

Then, there probably needs to be a reminder to try avoiding the "one-joke" style of puns. I like them, but Reddit doesn't like them (sitewide rule #1) and they are outside our rules too (rule #7). I wish we could host those here as I find them funny, and I don't appreciate folks who are overly thin-skinned. The Reddit admins seem to have a zero-tolerance stance against such jokes/puns, even if there are no hateful motives underneath.

And of course, I want to remind the users here that they are just awesome! Without you, this sub would not be what it is.

If others want to make puns about this below, feel free! And as always, have fun!

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Girl_Alien
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2023
🚨︎ report
Declaration of inde-pun-dence

The punanimous Declaration of the thirteen United States of Pun-merica, When in the Course of human pun-ventures, it becomes necessary for one people to loosen the comical bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the wits of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Yaws of Pun-Nature and of Nature's Pun entitle them, a decent respect to the punchlines of mankind requires that they should declare the pun-riddled causes which propel them to the separation.

We hold these puns to be self-evident, that all wordplay is created equal, that they are endowed by their Pun-ator with certain un-pun-able Rights, among these are Life, Linguistic-erty and the pursuit of Puntasticness.--That to secure these rights, Pun-ernments are playfully instituted among Puns, deriving their just laughter from the consent of the amused, --That whenever any Form of Pun-ernment becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Write of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to pull out new Wordmanship, laying its fun-dation on such punster principles and organizing its powers in such playful form as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Laugh-ety and Happiness. Prun-dence, indeed, will dictate that Pun-ernments long established should not be changed for pun-light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while pun-evils are sufferable, than to set-write themselves by abolishing the language forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long laugh-track of abuses and usurp-puns, pursuing invariably the same Pun-jectives evince a design to reduce them under absolute Pun-potism, it is their right, it is their pun-ty, to chuckle off such Word-rule, and to provide new Punderful Guards for their pun-ture posterity.--Such has been the pun-ient sufferance of these Pun-olonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Punnery. The history of the present Pun-King of Great Pun-Ain is a history of repeated punchlines and usurp-puns, all having in jest the establishment of an absolute Pun-ranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be fun-bmitted to a candid whirl of wordplay.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ertgbnm
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2023
🚨︎ report
Laying in a hospital bed when my Dad dropped this one on me...

Just finished getting an electrocardiogram when my dad and I had this conversation.

Dad: "What did they do to you?"

Me: "E-C-G, Electrocardiogram."

Dad: "Isn't that an E-K-G?"

Me: "I don't know, I thought it was an E-C-G."

Dad: "So, if E-C-G and E-K-G are both for electrocardiogram, what the hell is an E-G-G?"

Me: "I have no idea."

Dad: "It's an egg, you idiot."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GQuesnelle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2014
🚨︎ report
I rest my case
πŸ‘︎ 923
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zacharyangrk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2017
🚨︎ report
My neighbor spent all day laying sod in his front garden, then last night, someone stole it!

He’s outside now, looking forlorn…

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
An unsatisfied chicken lays in bed smoking a cigarette next to an egg that rolls to its side embarrassed

Chicken: Well I guess we solved that riddle

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RKO-Cutter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a man with no arms no legs and lays in front of his door

Matt

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
🚨︎ report
I just saw some guys laying concrete in front of an elementary school.

They were paving the way for our youth.

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stefanopolis
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
🚨︎ report
A list of over 350 Dad Jokes!

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. β€œI’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. β€œSorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. β€œYou’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. β€œWe don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. β€œWhy not?” one yogurt asks. β€œWe’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, β€œWhat are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, β€œIt’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, β€œWhat’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, β€œArrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, β€œI don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbersβ€”some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bugasum
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2022
🚨︎ report
What is green and lays in the forrest

Kermit the log

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vvdb_industries
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
🚨︎ report
In an effort to try to bring their snacks up to speed in terms of technology, Lay's is shrinking the size of their product by more than 50%.

They're calling them microchips.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tehgreatiam
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
🚨︎ report
True story: My SO and I got into an minor argument while laying in bed last night. I jokingly exclaimed β€œomg, I literally cannot stand you!”

To which he replied, β€œgood thing you’re laying down”. Ugh.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zestylemonn
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I asked the surfer dude if he had a document laying out the things to do in his beautiful city. He said:

Bro, sure

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/faceoftheancients
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Whats Irish and lays around in the sun all day?

Pati O’ Furniture

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MarlinsBB
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2018
🚨︎ report
The Pastor's last-minute save

So the sad day comes that a family must lay their grandfather to rest. He wished to be buried alongside his wife in the family plot. Unfortunately the family plot is up a long, tall hill and the access road doesn't reach all the way.

The pallbearers dutifully begin to haul the casket up the hill when disaster strikes! One of the pallbearers twists his ankle and instinctively grabs for the casket to steady himself, resulting in all the other pallbearers falling along with him and grandpa going Rogue, his casket sliding down the hill and steadily gaining speed. People are leaping, diving, scrabbling to try to stop their runaway corpse when the pastor charged with giving the graveside sermon calmly reaches into his pocket, retrieves a piece of candy, and--with expert aim--tosses it ahead of the casket. When it reaches where the candy dropped the casket stops dead in its tracks. One of the family members, surprised beyond grief, asks "What on earth did you throw!?"

The pastor responds "Oh, ever since I started doing these services regularly I've kept a packet of lozenges with me. They help stop the coffin."

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Karkadon
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2022
🚨︎ report
Why time travellers must beware of potentially causing time travel to never be invented.

The ancient Greek port city of Tempus was an outlet for international trade and rivaled Constantinople in it's heydays for commerce. City officials were warned by port authority to leave things as they were, but they were driven by profit and, against all counsel otherwise, added a second port to the tiny wharf. In it's first week of operation, the congestion caused from the extra traffic of the second dock resulted in absolute chaos, including a trade galleon being accidentally unmoored and set adrift without crew, and several panicked sailors and dockworkers died in the shark infested waters. Other sailors and laborers were so enraged by the officials' ineptitude of they began a riot which would have the town engulfed in anarchy and fire within a day. The city never recovered and now lays in ruin.

This is of course how the ancient Greeks learned the dangers of a pair of docks.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lookinatspam
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2022
🚨︎ report
Wife and I were laying in bed when she popped this one on me.

As title says, we were laying in bed, my left arm hurt a bit, so I said "my left arm doesn't feel right." She replied "so does it feel left?" and proceeded to laugh hysterically for about 10 minutes.

πŸ‘︎ 52
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AdrianHellrazer
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2014
🚨︎ report
If you took every vein in your body and layed them out in a straight line..

You would be dead

A joke my teacher told me in like grade 5

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NateRuman
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call an injured BeyoncΓ© laying in bed eating ice cream?

A Sorbet

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/philb087
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FancyAlligator
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2022
🚨︎ report
Why did the dog lay out in the sun all day.

He wanted to be a hot dog.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sparkei1ca
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2017
🚨︎ report
So I was laying in bed last night, looking up at the stars.

Then I realised. Where the f*** is my roof?

πŸ‘︎ 47
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/trace826621
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs laying in a pile of leaves?

Russell

Edit: correct name spelling

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BlobbyChong
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2018
🚨︎ report
Saw a bull laying down in a field today and my dad popped off with

Would ya just look at the ground beef

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WisemenGaming
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.