I’ve decided that with my stimulus check I’m going to buy a hat, then a shirt, and lastly some pants.
Top down economic stimulation.
My doctor says that when you die, your pupils are the last thing to go.
Someone told me Trumps last order as president is to outlaw shredded cheese.
Hmm guess he wants to make America grate again 🤔
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words before he kicked the bucket
"Do you wanna see how far I can kick that bucket?"
I went on a date last night with a girl from the zoo
It was great. She’s a keeper.
I'll never forget my grandfathers last words to me..
"Would you stop shaking the fucking ladder?!"
I dreamt last night I was swimming in an ocean full of orange soda. Then I woke up..
..and realized it was just a Fanta sea.
It snowed 8" last night - took me an hour to shovel the driveway.
My uncle died last week because the doctors couldn't figure out his blood type.
At least my uncle was being supportive as he kept on yelling, "Be positive!"
Last night I had a dream that I ate a 50 lb marshmallow.
This morning I woke up and my pillow was gone.
Today is the 13th anniversary of my father passing and this was my favorite joke that he used to tell. Enjoy.
Last night I ate a piece of string
Last light I seen a drunk couple weaving all over the street
I thought ‘honestly, get a loom’.
I've just made a list of the top 10 dad jokes I know. The first 9 are alright but the last one is absoutely briliant.
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- absoutely briliant
I was rewatching Black Panther last week and it struck me. Andy Serkis and Martin Freeman
are 'Tolkien White Guys' in the movie
The guy who invented the Hokey Pokey died last week.
Turns out they had a lot of trouble putting him in his coffin. Because everytime they put his right leg in, he put his right leg out.
I drove around Lake Superior last Fall...
It had me fondly thinking back to the time years ago when my friend Mitchell and I toured four of the five Great Lakes one summer.
I wonder if I’ll ever see Mitch again?
Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.
A real conversation I had last night
Her: “Is it difficult for you to talk about this stuff?” (My erectile dysfunction)
Me: “Y’know, normally yeah it is, but with you it’s nothing hard at all...”
Edit: I made this joke completely by accident and then immediately started laughing like a maniac.
John Travolta tested negative for covid last night.
turns out it was just Saturday Night Fever!
Last night my wife asked if I had seen the dog bowl...
I said, "I didn't know he could!"
I broke my finger last week.
On the other hand, I'm okay.
A pinguin decided to cancel his wedding last minute.
I guess he got cold feet.
What last name belongs to a man who is annoying and inherited a lot of money?
What are the last words of the physical education teacher?
So last night my boyfriend left the bedroom door open to get more heat in the room because there are more heating vents in the hallway than in the bedroom. I said, "You might say it's eVENTful." He didn't laugh. So then I said, "You'll laugh eVENTually."
True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!
I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.
Last week I tried an all banana diet.
I didn’t find it very appealing.
I was at a club last night where they had a Superman themed night.
You should have seen the queue to the cloakroom.
I stayed up all night last night...
And then it dawned on me.
Last week I went to a restaurant on the moon.
The food is great but there is no atmosphere.
I tried renting a bounce house yesterday. The cost was twice as much as last year...
That’s inflation for you!
My fiancée pulled a fast one on me last night while we were talking
Talking about our dog, Baxter, who is deaf, a little clumsy, and a big goofball
Her: You know, maybe he does have some neurological issues.
Me: Maybe. But we wouldn’t know for sure unless we get a CAT-scan, and we’re too poor for that.
Her: Well, in this case it would be a DOG-scan, right?
I got to meet the tallest man in the world last week.
I was disappointed by how he looked down on everyone else.
Last night my friend's bakery burned down
I was having problems with the printer at work last week and I had to ring the engineer. I told him that I kept putting paper in to the printer but the display kept saying it just can't get enough...
The engineer said "ah yes.... it's stuck in Depeche Mode"....
My English teacher has a weird last name so we should just call him Matthew
It doesn't fit him though so we've agreed to call him Englishew
I spoke to a weatherman last night.
We were talking up a storm!
The last time I was inside a woman.....
I was visiting the Statue of Liberty. 🗽
I robbed a cookery shop last night...
To make it big, you've got to take some whisks.
Anyone with the last name Boyce has a social responsibility to name their son Ferdinand
Come on, it’s Ferda Boyce
Last night I accidentally superglued my thumb and forefinger together...
But don’t worry...it will be ok. 👌🏻
Last night I ate a clock
It was very time consuming.
Especially when I went back for seconds.
My doctor said that when you die, your pupils are the last thing to go....
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