Do you know why disembowelment isn't used as a form of execution?
Because semi-colons don't complete a sentence!
I identify as a man, my birth certificate says I’m a man, everybody I know says I’m a man...
and yet according to Kraft Dinner, I’m a 4-person family
You know I spent alot of years as a child
As a lumberjack, I know that I've cut 2,789 trees
I know because everytime I cut one, I keep a log
Did you know you can't use 'Beef Stew' as a password?
Apparently it's not stroganoff
Did you know that PT Barnum once disguised himself as a British knight?
He called himself Sir Khass
You know people use a bag of rocks as a metaphor for being stupid....
But it took one stone to figure out the theory of relativity.
Did you know that you can actually get just as drunk on water...
sips water
...as you can on land
I failed to get elected as a union leader but you know there's this old saying...
Union some you lose some.
As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know there’s no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued...
"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"
I told my wife I was going to accompany her to get her Covid Vaccine, and see if they could do mine as well. She said they probably wouldn't. I replied, "I don't know..."
You know you've failed as a parent....
....when you let your 14 year old daughter smoke at the table, infront of her kids.
Eight days in and this year looks like it might be as bad as last year. Possibly even worse. If it does turn out worse, well, you know what they say...
You know what happened to the guy who wanted to use "MyDick" as his password?
The Website told him that he can't do it because his password is "too short"
Not many know this, but Chewbacca actually led a double life as a boxing champion.
He was as famous for his barrage of punches as he was for his rhyming taunts before a big match.
The called him the Jabberwookie.
As a secret agent, my kids never know what I got them for Christmas..
I always keep the presents under wraps.
Dad: Son, did you know that if you, as an American, go into a bathroom in France you are no longer an American? Son: No, I didn’t. What would I be?
This isn’t mine and I don’t know who made it, but it’s been on my phone for so many years and I haven’t seen it on here yet. I hope you all love it as much as I do.
Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an incredible set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. Plus, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Edit: I do now realize I misspelled Gandhi. I cannot edit the title, just know that I see it and am sorry.
As a single dad money can be tight. But even when I’m on a date and I know I’m not attracted to her, I still like to get the door for her and let her walk through. It makes her feel appreciated.
And it makes it easier to slam the door and run so I don’t have to pay for dinner.
Do you know why I was sent to the coal mines as a child?
Do you know the name of Cardi B's sister? She is working as a trainer.
I took my 1 year old to the ER with the flu. As the nurse was taking her temperature rectally with the thermometer in the butt, he sympathized with her misery by saying “I know, it stinks.”
To which I responded “It certainly will when you take it out.” I accepted the long awkward silence that followed as thunderous applause.
We may as well have aliens attacking this year. WHO knows?
Everyone knows that the zip code for Beverly Hills is 90210 thanks to the show, but not as many people know the zip code to Dawson’s Creek.
It’s 90108
^...for ^our ^^lives ^^^to ^^^be ^^^over...
Did you know that a pregnant horse can run twice as fast?
Know what's twice as bad as a toothache?
A fourth ache!
Told my daughter this one earlier.
"REALLY DAD?!"
I know a kid who was born without eyelids. His parents decided to have him circumcised and used his foreskin as a skin graft for his eyelids. The surgery went really well....
.... although afterwards he was a bit cockeyed.
As we were watching a DVD, I asked my son, "Do you know Emma Watson's full name?" He shook his head and I continued...
Emmamentary Mydear Watson!
Did you know big bowtie pasta looks the same as small bowtie pasta?
I guess the apple doesn't farfalle from the tree.
You know, sometimes, as I lie in bed, looking up into the great night sky, counting each star and watching the moon slowly float by, I think to myself:
"Where the fuck is my roof?"
What was Iran called before it formed into the country we know it as today?
Do you know what the last thing to go through a fly's brain is as it hits your windshield?
My daughter acted as if she didn't enjoy this one, but I KNOW she did...
http://i.imgur.com/xTjEZNI.jpg
As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 2,417 trees. I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.
reddit.com/r/dadjokes/com…
As an adult I know now that my parents were actually Santa Claus.
But I still don’t know how they got to all those houses in one night.
Did you know that Mrs. Doubtfire could have just as easily have been another title
'Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dad'
As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 2,417 trees. I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Edit: Wow! Didn't expect this big reaction!
Thanks for the silver!
Edit 2: And gold!? Thanks again! :)
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know there’s no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued...
"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"
As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 2,417 trees.
I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.
As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know there’s no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued...
"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"
As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 2,417 trees. I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.
Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an incredible set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. Plus, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Edit: I do now realize I misspelled Gandhi. I cannot edit the title, just know that I see it and am sorry.
As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 2,417 trees.
I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.
As a lumberjack, I know that I've cut exactly 3,141 trees.
I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.
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