My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
My wife and I were woken up at 3am by loud banging on our door. I got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" I screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...
"Who was that?" asked my wife.
"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.
"Did you help him?" she asked.
"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"
"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"
She had a point, and angrily, I got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes."
"Do you still need a push?"
"Yes please."
"Where are you?"
"Over here...on the swing."
I made up a joke so get ready to hate on me. Trump (I know it's topical).... Trump was nervous during the election and was asked "hey, do you want some spiced tea"?
My 6yo holds a slice of red pepper up to my face and breaks it towards me. Me: “Ugh, what did you do that for. You got me all wet.”
“That was pepper spray.”
Got me!
One California Redditor Dad came up with a dad joke so shocking that Reddit doesn’t want you to see it.
I was teaching my 12 year old daughter how to mow the lawn. “You need to pick either up and down or right and left, and then stick to it,” I told her. “Do you mow the whole yard in one direction.”
“Why?” she asked.
“Because that’s what makes it beautiful.”
Oh, the eye roll on this kid.
What do you call a bee trying to make up its mind?
Added Never Gonna Give You Up to my Spotify playlist and put it on shuffle. I call it, "Rick Roulette"
It used to be free to fill your car tire up with air. Now it coasts 1.50. You know why?
What do you call it when the grocer fails to clean up a mess in the store?
A wrecked aisle dysfunction.
I busted my guitar up but I’ll give it to you for free.
Really. No strings attached.
I was having an argument with my wife about who should brew the coffee each morning. She said, “YOU should do it because YOU get up first and then we won't have to wait as long to get our coffee.”
I went full sexist pig, “YOU'RE in charge of cooking around here woman and YOU should do it, because it's YOUR job and I can just wait for my coffee.”
She replied coldly, “No, YOU should do it and besides, it's in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”
I guffawed, “I can’t believe that, show me!”
So she fetched the Bible and opened to the New Testament and showed me the top of several pages, that it indeed says, “HEBREWS!”
Did you hear of that fake metal that was fraudulently sold to companies as "steel"? It turned out to be an alloy mostly made up of tin. Guess you can call it FORGED steel
Son: That's a big Christmas tree, Dad. Are you going to put it up yourself?
Dad: No, son. I'm going to put it in the living room.
What do you calling it when your in milk up to you're eybrows
Pasteurize (past your eyes)
Would you like to drink it all up?
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self...
I wood say this is funny Abut I’ll leaf it up to you guys to decide.
If you want to set up a company and run it then
Alright....time for a classic. The Ceo of Datsun was talking to his other high ranking workers when it had just been founded and said, you have 2 days to come up with a name for our company
The workers in a thick Japanese accent said DAT SOON
Dad brings home a nice framed photo. Me: Hey dad, are you going to put it up yourself?
Dad: No, I'm going to put it up on that wall
Last christmas we bought a fake christmas tree and the man behind the counter said, "Are you going to put it up yourself?"
Disgusted, Dad replied, "Don't be silly, I'm putting it in the living room!"
Son, when you walk the dog you have to pick up its poop
My best friend keeps telling me to “cheer up man. It could be a lot worse, you could be stuck in an underground hole filled with water”
What do you call it when a bunch of crows accidentally show up to the same place at the same time?
You have to hand it to the person who thought up the "I'd give my right hand to be ambidextrous" joke ...
And I imagine you wouldn't have much left if you'd foot the bill for infringement of copy'right'.
Chinese takeout: $24.95. Fuel to pick it up: $1.00. Getting home and realizing they shorted you a box:
I asked my fiancee what letters you need to put together for that ground up stuff you bake bread with. She said it's...
Two doctors are out hiking and the first one trips and cuts his knee pretty badly on a rock. The second doctor says, "That looks pretty bad. Want me to stitch that up for you?" The first doctor says, "Nah, I got it."
The second doctor responds, "Suture self."
If you’re struggling to think of what to get someone for Christmas. Get them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.
A squirrel is living in a pine tree, when one day, he feels it shaking, looks down and sees an elephant climbing the tree. The squirrel shrieks, “What are you doing climbing my tree?” “Well, I’m coming up here to eat some pears.” says the elephant.
“You idiot, this is a pine tree, there are no pears!”
“Well I brought my own pears.”
“i have some emails to catch up on.” “i didn’t realize you put ketchup on your emails, i usually put it on my chicken nuggets”
"I want a tattoo going down my spine, but I'll let you do anything you want," my son told the tattoo man. The tattoo man agreed to it and ended up tattooing an enormous gun my son's his spine.
Well, I guess that backfired.
A son says to his dad, "Hey I'm going to get a soda, you need anything?". The dad says, "Yeah, get me a beer. Actually, make it two cans.". The son goes into the kitchen and is gone for about an hour and a half. The door opens up and he asks his son, "What the hell took so long?".
The son says, "Well it wasn't easy. I had to go to like three different pet stores before I found one that sold toucans.".
When you mess up a coded message and have to send it again
If all you do is pray for one outcome, are you leaving it up to chants?
If you were to line five tow trucks up, how long would it be?
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
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