A cable repairman was on our street today and asked what time it is.
I told him it's between 8am and 1pm.
What does a CIA agent do when it's time for bed?
What time is it when you see a cow laying in a field?
I said to my daughter, ”It’s time for bed, the cows are asleep in the field”. She asked ”what’s that got to do with anything’?
I said “It’s pasture bedtime”.
I asked the barber to replace most of what the last barber did, make it three times longer, and give it three parts.
He said “oh, you want the Snyder Cut”.
Is it the time to adopt glass coffins?
First last time I made a kichen counter it was too small
Sinds then I have started to take countermeasures to avoid that
Edit: ignore the "last" I messed it up...
My wife was making gravy for dinner, and she added some corn starch, but it got too thick. To thin it out she added some water, but then it was too thin again. It went back and forth a few times before I said...
Ahh. I get it. It’s a viscous cycle.
I still dream about the time in my life when I used to sniff glue. It was many years ago now.
But that sort of thing stick in your mind.
Well, it's that time on New Year's Eve. I'll see you all...
The second time Hansel and Gretel found a house made of cookies and candy, they sent someone else in to test-nibble it first.
This technique became known as Munch Housen by Proxy.
I posted this on r/memes a while ago and it didn't blow up or somthing. I am just so proud of this it makes me laugh every time
How do you know when it’s alpaca time?
I guess it's time to answer the call of Nature..💩
Its getting that time of year when it's so cold....
....people are starting to wear 2 pairs of pyjamas to Walmart.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
When does a adult know it’s time to stop parting and drinking?
It took me a long time to recover from my broken neck
but afterwards, I never looked back.
The Guillotine was supposed to be ahead of its time
It had cutting edge technology
I got a new tablet computer but I'm nervous every time I use it.
I guess you could say I have Surface tension.
How did Hitler know it was time to commit sucide.
Every time I ask my son what a new phrase means, he tells me to google it.
Kids these days have a lot of slang for a killer clown movie.
Every time the camper heard something rustle in the woods he shouted, "It's a grizzly!"
Guess he was a bit bearanoid.
Yoda didn’t know what time it was. He explained...
What happens to an egg every time you look at it?
What is it called when two mummies fart at the same time?
With the global warming raising the sea level, it is only a question of time for England to become Engsea.
Why did Chewbacca crash the Millennium Falcon the first time he flew it
What do you call it when two Egyptians fart at the same time?
My Dad(64) always shows up to every event 10 minutes after it's started. We bought him a watch, told him the start time was earlier than it was, we've tried everything, but nothing works...
We just have to accept that he's a Late Boomer.
It’s weird- I can’t help but talk about footwear every time I sneeze.
There was a time before electricity believe it or not.
My first time doing puns in real life. Ik it's horrible
So today, I had a conversation with my friend while walking home from school. At one point my lace untied and he pointed that out to me while we were walking past a 7eleven. I am horrible at making puns so forgive me. I shall call him J
J: You u should tie up your shoes
Me(pointing to the lays packet in the store): I can't be bothered tying my shoe-lays
J: You should stop spread them all around the "play-se" (place)
Me: Well maybe you should stop lay-zing around and actually study(he couldn't reply to that cuz all he does is lay-ing around aimlessly. Haha! See what I did there!)
Conversation deviates
Me: come follow me to Cheers let's look for a giftcard
J: nah
Me: get your lay-z ass over to cheers u ungrateful bitch! u make my life lays miserables
What time of the year is it usually fly or die for baby birds?
When you make it to the bathroom just in time
The first time I used an elevator, it was kinda uplifting
Every time a car slows down, it always get offended
People keep shouting"Look! This guy has got some retardation!"
What time is it when a cow sits on your fence?
The LEGO shop reopens tomorrow but I recommend avoiding it for the time being,
People will be lined up for blocks.
For a temp job I had to conduct surveys on the street and often times people would reluctantly comply disclaiming to "Keep it short please!"
So my question was: What do you know about dwarves?
In these dark times, it’s important we all continue to make puns.
You know, to make light of the situation the worlds in right now.
What do you call it when a teacher watches his class as they take a test and plays online poker at the same time?
You know, it seems like every time I kill a gnat, another one appears.
So, I guess you could say they're appearing at the drop of a gnat.
Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too.
What time is it if you're at the dentist?
What do you call it when two ancient Egyptians fart at the same time?
What is it called when two mummies fart at the same time?
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