The day my daughter turns 18, I’m going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it tell her:
“Well, I guess now you really are… independent"
It's the opposite day and my friend challenges me in tic tac toe. when it's his turn, he grabs the pencil by his foot. I ask him why and he responds:
"I'm playing the toe tactic"
My wife and I were having this huge argument as to whose turn it is to do laundry.
Finally, I threw in the towel.
I couldn’t figure out why my checkbook wouldn’t balance. It turns out I was adding instead of subtracting.
And that made all the difference.
Watching John Wick 2 the other night. While Keanu and Common are fighting while both holding the knife the tables turn and Keanu flips the knife around and thrusts it into Commons chest...again while both holding the grip. To which I turn to to my family and say
At least the both have something "in" common.
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood!!
I come from a long line of fathers...
I love it when the earth turns! It just really makes my day.
I get so mad at my wife when she turns on the heater idk what it is
But I swear I lose my cool
It was my turn to hide the pickle on the tree this Christmas.
No matter how hard I tried, you could always see the jar sticking out.
It was a Vlasic holiday blunder.
Last night, my wife and I had a long argument about whose turn it is to do laundry.
My dad asked me to turn on the water heater. To which I replied “It’s on”. Only to see my dad run across the kitchen yelling “It’s on okay bring it no holding back!”
Ugh...It's my turn to clean the front entrance
My dad and I were participating in a fantasy football draft together. After my pick, it was his turn.
Me: "You're up"
Dad: "Asia!"
Me: "What about Asia?"
Dad: "Well you said Europe!"
Thanks to u/adamdidit for being my "father" in this situation
(x-post r/jokes) My wife told me that she couldn't turn her neck because it hurts so much, so I told her to look forward to a massage tonight...
...Since she can't look sideways anyways...
A month ago I was kidnapped because my husband is a wealthy landowner. It turns out, all the kidnappers wanted was one of his quarries. It's a very profitable quarry, to be sure, but still.
Now I know what it feels like to be taken for granite.
So it turns out that one of my old friends might be going blind.
He’s not looking so good.
Today my mom turns 53, and it's tradition that my dad fills the kitchen with posters before she wakes up, wishing her a happy birthday. This year's were some of his worst (best) work.
My daughter is trying to light a fire at camp and it just WOULDN'T light. Turn to her and tell her it's because the firewood is bad. "How can you Tell" she asks..
Because the wood is naughty.
My weird boss has assigned designated bathroom times for each employee, and now it’s my turn.
I overheard my wife tell our six year old, “It’s not a good idea to turn up the volume of the IPad to the maximum.”
Me: Listen to mom. That’s......sound advice.
I met with my friend who said he developed a weapon to harness the wind and propel it like a bullet. We took turns firing at a target he had in his yard...
Driving with my son and we pass a farm. I point out the flock of cows. He turns to me and says "Dad it's a herd of cows"
Heard of cows, of course I heard of cows. I just pointed out a flock of them.
It turns out that my baby isn’t very good in transitioning out of breastfeeding.
It's already summer! If I want to turn my dad bod into a sexy pirate bod...
...I better start doing planks.
My wife told me to go air up my car tires so I got out 75 cents but it turns out its a dollar now
I guess the air compressor market is experiencing a bit of inflation.....
Watching a UFC fight, my dad pauses it and turns to me:
Dad: "Hey I heard UPS and UFC were going to make a deal and let some UPS workers fight soon."
Me: "Uhhh... what? That makes no sense."
Dad: "No it does. I mean... the UPS guys are already professional boxers. It's only logical."
I saw my enemy in the supermarket, so I threw a bunch of "Thank You" cards at him. It turns out one of the cards hit him so hard that he died in hospital.
I was always told that you should kill them with kindness.
I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it turns out it was just a seabird.
I took a tern for the wurst.
My wife keeps waking me up to go turn off the computer and then turn it back on again.
I hate these late night rebooty calls.
My spare car key doesn't turn the engine, but it lets me get into the car...
I guess, just like my jokes, it's just a little door key.
I ran the numbers, and it turns out my dad’s sandwich shop is losing money fast.
He said, “That’s okay, subs tend to go under.”
A rare child free night, a fancy restaurant. Waiter tells us the wine he's pouring has "strong tannins." I turn to my wife and tell her if the wine turns orange it's definitely a knock off...
... because of the fake tannin.
I grin, she groans and drinks more wine.
My phone used to only turn on if it was being deep-fried in seawater and oil.
It was charged with a salt and battering.
So I was talking with my brother about my GPU that only turns on the fans when it's getting hot ...
Brother: "But nothing turns on your GPU fans"
Me: "Maybe my GPU fans are a-sexual"
Was mending a hole in my pants today, but it didn't turn out great.
You could say it was sew-sew.
So let me tell you a little about my situation. It's currently about -12°F outside and my HVAC just broke. So, I decided to build a fire, but it turns out I can't use my fireplace because it needs a new flue, and I'm sorry if this is the wrong subreddit for this
but I just need t(w)o vent(s) right now.
So it turns out that my wife doesn't have PCOS after all.
I knew she was just ovaryacting.
So it turns out I'm incapable of describing my feelings.
Can't say I'm surprised...
My boss only allows bathroom breaks at designated times, and it is my turn to go now.
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