“Woah, woah, doc,” I said, “Let’s not make any rash decisions.”
It’s gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
...to be fair, we were warned by the nurses that he was known to have very little patients.
Cheery Bowel Syndrome
Angry Bowel Syndrome
Naive Bowel Syndrome (right before you have Taco Bell)
The list is endless and frightening
He was being a reel crank.
...a coal-lossal mistake!
An ant named seg is trying to reach its anthill
A girl tries to irritate it by putting a glass over it. secant she how tangent is getting. i guess it will diameter before it reaches its anthill. it would be pretty sad for its family though, as segment a lot to them. We could just say, it couldn't escape it's circle of life. well, after his untimely death, his family has arranged a funeral for him and chordiallly invited all its relatives.
Or as they called it, toot in common.
Not everyone has a method to their madness.
Because they're jalapeño face!
A gas electric hybrid.
Because it has a sandy bottom.
Nah man you’re just full of shit
It just doesn't make scents.
Story time:
So over the holiday, while visiting my mom, she asked me to run and pick up some groceries she had on her shopping list. So of course, I pack up my kids and we are off to the store. As I am perusing the juice aisle, my daughter squeals, "ELSA!!!!" Sure enough, there was Elsa, on the label of a bottle of apple juice. I thought, "Apple juice is on the list and it will make my daughter happy? Boom getting it!" Fast forward to putting groceries away at my mom's house.
Mom: "Did you get everything on my list?"
Me: "Yes mom."
Mom: as I am handing her the Elsa apple juice "Oh I wanted you to get the frozen apple juice"
Me: my face shifting from a look of irritation to a stupid-cheesy smirk "That IS Frozen apple juice..."
Mom: fighting the urge to smack me while rolling her eyes "OMG."
I said, "Can I please just shower in peace?"
She replied, "I have a bag in the freezer if you want some."
I stonefaced her but it brought a tear to me eye, she's gonna be such a good dad. ^(Explanation ^since ^I ^know ^someone ^will ^ask: ^peace ^sounds ^like ^peas)
I guess this makes me his carbuncle.
Someone holding the door for you.
My doctor calls it Irritable Pal Syndrome.
So I texted back: "Looks like you boarded the air-PLAIN.."
She didn't text me again.
Wife: "Would you PLEASE help look for molasses?" Me: "Sure. Find me a mole and I'll show you where his ass is."
Blank stare of death.
He said, "I don't care too much for Monet. Monet can't buy me love."
...so I grabbed my ear and began moving it in circles. She asked what the heck I was doing, and I told her I was ear-rotating. I got an eye roll and a punch for that one
Vietnam, its very Hannoying
"My spine, It holds me back."
My girlfriend and I were talking and she goes "I put in a new earring this morning, but had to take it out because it got irritated." Naturally I replied "do you mean ear-ritated?" She didn't laugh, but I did, so who's the real winner?
Nobody wanted to draw his iron.
I’ve still no idea
I think I have irritable bowl syndrome
He has irritable vowel syndrome
Turns out I have Irritable Vowel Syndrome.
Me: {swatting angrily} These bugs are irritating!
SO: Are they... "Bugging" you?
Me: No! They are driving me nuts!
SO: They are driving you... "gnats"?
Me: GOD DAMN IT!!!
Having dinner with fiancé and parents, sausages, mash, vegetables. Delicious.
Fiancé sits down with her dinner, my Dad asks her why she doesn't have broccoli?
Her: "I can't eat it with irritable bowel"
Me: "you should eat it with carrots like the rest of us"
Uncle and Dad laughed, everyone else stopped forks halfway to mouths.
However, the mole couldn't reach them from the high trees and he struggled to climb them. Luckily, there was a tall giraffe who offered to help and got the oranges down for the mole.
The mole would go up to the giraffe every morning and ask him for some oranges. The giraffe would happily oblige but little by little he would get more irritated. One day, the giraffe finally got mad and told the mole to see the badger who could make a tool to help him get the oranges down from the tree.
The mole trundled over to the badger and asked him to make him a tool to help with the orange problem. The badger happily agreed to help and went into his shed. For a few days after: cutting, grinding and sawing could be heard coming from his shed when he finally emerged with a 4-pointed tool. He then proceeded to demonstrate the 4-point tool by sticking it into an orange and allowing the juice from which to drain down the arm of the tool.
The mole was extremely happy and excited by his new magnificent 4-point tool and showed everyone it's amazing capabilities. After a while, however, he realised he had shown it to pretty much everyone. Then he remembered the black cat resting under the oak tree. So he walked over to the tree and tried to show the black cat the 4-point tool. The cat said he couldn't see it properly and asked the mole to come closer. The mole took a few steps forward. Again, the black cat requested the mole to come closer and the mole cautiously stepped closer. Finally the black cat lunged forward and ate the 4-point tool.
The mole couldn't believe it and exclaimed, "Why did you do that?"
To which the black cat replied, "Oh haven't you heard? I am a 4-point tool eater Jaguar!"
Irritable howl syndrome.
A man came home from work late again, tired and irritated, to find his 5 year old son waiting for him at the door.
“Daddy, may I ask you a question ?”
“Yeah, sure, what is it ?” replied the man.
“Daddy, how much money do you make an hour?”
“That’s none of your business! What makes you ask such a thing?” the man said angrily.
“I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?” pleaded the little boy.
“If you must know, I make $20.00 an hour.”
“Oh,” the little boy replied, head bowed.
Looking up, he said, “Daddy, may I borrow $9.00 please?”
The father was furious. “If the only reason you wanted to know how much money I make is just so you can borrow some to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you’re being so selfish. I work long, hard hours every day and don’t have time for such childish games.”
The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.
The man sat down and started to get even madder about the little boy’s questioning. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money.
After an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think he may have been a little hard on his son. May be there was something he really needed to buy with that $9.00 and he really didn’t ask for money very often.
The man went to the door of the little boy’s room and opened the door. “Are you asleep son?” he asked.
“No daddy, I’m awake,” replied the boy.
“I’ve been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier,” said the man. “It’s been long day and I took my aggravation out on you. Here’s that $9.00 you asked for.”
The little boy sat straight up, beaming.
“Oh, thank you daddy!” he yelled.
Then, reaching under his pillow, he pulled out some more crumpled up bills. The man, seeing that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.
The little boy slowly counted out his money, then looked up at the man.
“Why did you want more money if you already had some?” the father grumbled.
“Because I didn’t have enough, but now I do,” the little boy replied.
“Daddy, I have $20.00 now. Can I buy an hour of your time?”
The father looked upon his son with a smile as he walked towards the door and said "Overtime is double pay."
Son: The doctor said I need to be sure to change my contacts every two weeks so my eyes don't get irritated. But I'm bad with setting reminders.
Dad: Just eyeball it.
Doctor says I have irritable vowel syndrome.
