β€œI’d like to prescribe you a topical ointment for your skin irritation,” my doctor said.

β€œWoah, woah, doc,” I said, β€œLet’s not make any rash decisions.”

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whomikehidden
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I once swallowed a book of synonyms.

It’s gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shua_mc
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call an irritated pirate?

pIRATE

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Zorgron
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
The attending neonatal pediatrician was always grumpy and irritated by our questions about our babies...

...to be fair, we were warned by the nurses that he was known to have very little patients.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Irritable Bowel Syndrome implies the existence of other bowel syndromes, such as:

Cheery Bowel Syndrome

Angry Bowel Syndrome

Naive Bowel Syndrome (right before you have Taco Bell)

The list is endless and frightening

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KungFuThor
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend was very irritated because his fishing pole broke and he had to wind up the fishing line manually.

He was being a reel crank.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Irritating Santa this time of year would be ...

...a coal-lossal mistake!

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/weirdgroovynerd
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Facebook gave me a reminder of how i irritated my friends one year ago.
πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jewelsssss
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2019
🚨︎ report
circles

An ant named seg is trying to reach its anthill

A girl tries to irritate it by putting a glass over it. secant she how tangent is getting. i guess it will diameter before it reaches its anthill. it would be pretty sad for its family though, as segment a lot to them. We could just say, it couldn't escape it's circle of life. well, after his untimely death, his family has arranged a funeral for him and chordiallly invited all its relatives.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tikkarice
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you know that Egyptian pharaohs all suffered from irritable bowels?

Or as they called it, toot in common.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RedPlanetCorridor
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Charts that show "stages of anger" usually irritate me

Not everyone has a method to their madness.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/electrocuter666
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Why are chilli peppers so irritating?

Because they're jalapeΓ±o face!

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ShrimpySeagull
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a man with a pace maker and irritable bowel syndrome?

A gas electric hybrid.

πŸ‘︎ 907
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zoolilba
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2015
🚨︎ report
Why is the sea always irritated?

Because it has a sandy bottom.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SquishedGremlin
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2018
🚨︎ report
I think i have irritable bowel syndrome

Nah man you’re just full of shit

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/i-love-potatos
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Deodorant irritates my skin, so I got one of those deodorizing crystals. I tried to figure out how it works

It just doesn't make scents.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lbunch1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Accidental Dad Joke

Story time:

So over the holiday, while visiting my mom, she asked me to run and pick up some groceries she had on her shopping list. So of course, I pack up my kids and we are off to the store. As I am perusing the juice aisle, my daughter squeals, "ELSA!!!!" Sure enough, there was Elsa, on the label of a bottle of apple juice. I thought, "Apple juice is on the list and it will make my daughter happy? Boom getting it!" Fast forward to putting groceries away at my mom's house.

Mom: "Did you get everything on my list?"

Me: "Yes mom."

Mom: as I am handing her the Elsa apple juice "Oh I wanted you to get the frozen apple juice"

Me: my face shifting from a look of irritation to a stupid-cheesy smirk "That IS Frozen apple juice..."

Mom: fighting the urge to smack me while rolling her eyes "OMG."

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ehrivei
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
🚨︎ report
My pregnant wife was intentionally irritating me while I was taking a shower...

I said, "Can I please just shower in peace?"

She replied, "I have a bag in the freezer if you want some."

I stonefaced her but it brought a tear to me eye, she's gonna be such a good dad. ^(Explanation ^since ^I ^know ^someone ^will ^ask: ^peace ^sounds ^like ^peas)

πŸ‘︎ 183
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WrexKwonDo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2017
🚨︎ report
I don't have any kids. According to my nephew, this disqualifies me from telling dad jokes. But he's always preaching that my diet is too high in carbohydrates, so my eating habits really irritate him and get under his skin.

I guess this makes me his carbuncle.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HAL9000000
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2017
🚨︎ report
What is nice if you are close but gets more irritating if u get further away?

Someone holding the door for you.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rubaanus2
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
🚨︎ report
I still experience long-lasting psychological effects from having a childhood friend that took offense at everything I did.

My doctor calls it Irritable Pal Syndrome.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YourLocalCreep
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I get a bit irritated when someone makes an annoying sound.
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alanator222
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2017
🚨︎ report
Wife texted me as she was boarding a plane, irritated that there was no wifi or TV screens as it was one of their "classic planes"

So I texted back: "Looks like you boarded the air-PLAIN.."

She didn't text me again.

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2016
🚨︎ report
Dad joked my irritated wife at the grocery store.

Wife: "Would you PLEASE help look for molasses?" Me: "Sure. Find me a mole and I'll show you where his ass is."

Blank stare of death.

πŸ‘︎ 136
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jimrob4
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2014
🚨︎ report
Paul McCartney grew irritated that he couldn't purchase a call girl with impressionist paintings

He said, "I don't care too much for Monet. Monet can't buy me love."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Socrathustra
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2017
🚨︎ report
My wife told me I was irritating...

...so I grabbed my ear and began moving it in circles. She asked what the heck I was doing, and I told her I was ear-rotating. I got an eye roll and a punch for that one

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Grumpy_Shat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2016
🚨︎ report
Which country has the most irritating city?

Vietnam, its very Hannoying

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/will_12468
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2016
🚨︎ report
"what part of your body would you get rid off?"

"My spine, It holds me back."

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/__Odelay__
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2018
🚨︎ report
It was irritated

My girlfriend and I were talking and she goes "I put in a new earring this morning, but had to take it out because it got irritated." Naturally I replied "do you mean ear-ritated?" She didn't laugh, but I did, so who's the real winner?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sundog12100
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2014
🚨︎ report
Why did the artists stay away from the irritable blacksmith?

Nobody wanted to draw his iron.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Subrosian_Smithy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2014
🚨︎ report
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

I’ve still no idea

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum-
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm frustrated with not being able to finish all of my cereal

I think I have irritable bowl syndrome

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2020
🚨︎ report
β€ͺMy mate gets really angry if you say a e i o or u in front of him ‬

He has irritable vowel syndrome

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/isla_am
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
🚨︎ report
I get upset whenever I hear a, e, i, o, or u.

Turns out I have Irritable Vowel Syndrome.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FreemanForever
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Damn bugs!

Me: {swatting angrily} These bugs are irritating!

SO: Are they... "Bugging" you?

Me: No! They are driving me nuts!

SO: They are driving you... "gnats"?

Me: GOD DAMN IT!!!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awesomenein
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad joked my fiancΓ© over dinner.

Having dinner with fiancΓ© and parents, sausages, mash, vegetables. Delicious.

FiancΓ© sits down with her dinner, my Dad asks her why she doesn't have broccoli?

Her: "I can't eat it with irritable bowel"

Me: "you should eat it with carrots like the rest of us"

Uncle and Dad laughed, everyone else stopped forks halfway to mouths.

πŸ‘︎ 304
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πŸ‘€︎ u/arathkone
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2014
🚨︎ report
What do you call an annoying potatoe?

Irritator

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DEF_NOT_ATF
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2018
🚨︎ report
There was once a mole who loved oranges...

However, the mole couldn't reach them from the high trees and he struggled to climb them. Luckily, there was a tall giraffe who offered to help and got the oranges down for the mole.

The mole would go up to the giraffe every morning and ask him for some oranges. The giraffe would happily oblige but little by little he would get more irritated. One day, the giraffe finally got mad and told the mole to see the badger who could make a tool to help him get the oranges down from the tree.

The mole trundled over to the badger and asked him to make him a tool to help with the orange problem. The badger happily agreed to help and went into his shed. For a few days after: cutting, grinding and sawing could be heard coming from his shed when he finally emerged with a 4-pointed tool. He then proceeded to demonstrate the 4-point tool by sticking it into an orange and allowing the juice from which to drain down the arm of the tool.

The mole was extremely happy and excited by his new magnificent 4-point tool and showed everyone it's amazing capabilities. After a while, however, he realised he had shown it to pretty much everyone. Then he remembered the black cat resting under the oak tree. So he walked over to the tree and tried to show the black cat the 4-point tool. The cat said he couldn't see it properly and asked the mole to come closer. The mole took a few steps forward. Again, the black cat requested the mole to come closer and the mole cautiously stepped closer. Finally the black cat lunged forward and ate the 4-point tool.

The mole couldn't believe it and exclaimed, "Why did you do that?"

To which the black cat replied, "Oh haven't you heard? I am a 4-point tool eater Jaguar!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alecroc
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2018
🚨︎ report
My husky dog has a bad illness.

Irritable howl syndrome.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wasdfgg
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2018
🚨︎ report
Dad, how much money do you make?

A man came home from work late again, tired and irritated, to find his 5 year old son waiting for him at the door.

β€œDaddy, may I ask you a question ?”

β€œYeah, sure, what is it ?” replied the man.

β€œDaddy, how much money do you make an hour?”

β€œThat’s none of your business! What makes you ask such a thing?” the man said angrily.

β€œI just want to know.Β  Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?” pleaded the little boy.

β€œIf you must know, I make $20.00 an hour.”

β€œOh,” the little boy replied, head bowed.

Looking up, he said, β€œDaddy, may I borrow $9.00 please?”

The father was furious. β€œIf the only reason you wanted to know how much money I make is just so you can borrow some to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed.Β Β  Think about why you’re being so selfish.Β  I work long, hard hours every day and don’t have time for such childish games.”

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.

The man sat down and started to get even madder about the little boy’s questioning.Β  How dare he ask such questions only to get some money.

After an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think he may have been a little hard on his son.Β  May be there was something he really needed to buy with that $9.00 and he really didn’t ask for money very often.

The man went to the door of the little boy’s room and opened the door.Β  β€œAre you asleep son?” he asked.

β€œNo daddy, I’m awake,” replied the boy.

β€œI’ve been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier,” said the man.Β  β€œIt’s been long day and I took my aggravation out on you. Here’s that $9.00 you asked for.”

The little boy sat straight up, beaming.

β€œOh, thank you daddy!” he yelled.

Then, reaching under his pillow, he pulled out some more crumpled up bills.Β  The man, seeing that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.

The little boy slowly counted out his money, then looked up at the man.

β€œWhy did you want more money if you already had some?” the father grumbled.

β€œBecause I didn’t have enough, but now I do,” the little boy replied.

β€œDaddy, I have $20.00 now.Β  Can I buy an hour of your time?”

The father looked upon his son with a smile as he walked towards the door and said "Overtime is double pay."

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cleverley1986
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2017
🚨︎ report
As a dad I was proud of this one driving home from the eye doctor

Son: The doctor said I need to be sure to change my contacts every two weeks so my eyes don't get irritated. But I'm bad with setting reminders.

Dad: Just eyeball it.

πŸ‘︎ 70
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SeattleMana
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2017
🚨︎ report
I really hate it when people say β€˜a’, β€˜e’, β€˜i’, β€˜o’, or β€˜u’

Doctor says I have irritable vowel syndrome.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/assafstone
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2019
🚨︎ report

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