The doctor diagnosed me with impatience; says I only have 6 weeks

But I can’t wait that long...

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/papabeard0406
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
🚨︎ report
What TV-character is the most impatient when browsing the web?

The Refresh Prince of Bel Air.

Hope this hasn't been posted before

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EK321
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are cats so impatient?

They want everything right meow

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/uneeq33
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Al Gore was tapping his foot impatiently while waiting for the elevator to arrive. The guy next to him said "Nice Algorithm!"

Al Gore responded: Al Gore take the stairs.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
🚨︎ report
My son was waiting in line to make some butter and getting really impatiant

I told him he had to wait his churn

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stevew1113
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
🚨︎ report
My GF said to me, "I'm growing impatient..."

So I said, "What type of plant is that?"

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/___300
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife says she’s going to leave me because I’m so impatient.

Boy, I can’t wait.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I’ve started becoming impatient since I’ve started dieting

Guess I’m losing wait

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/crazykegle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Which is the most impatient herb?

Thyme. It waits for no man

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thatphotoguy89
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Why are skinny people so impatient?

Because they've lost a lot of wait.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRtHonLaqueesha
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I have noticed something about impatient people...

Most of them seem to have issues with their wait.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2018
🚨︎ report
You're a fossil sample and I'm an impatient paleontologist

Cause I want to date you badly

-Ninja Sex Party lyrics

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/marsbars111
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2017
🚨︎ report
Wanna feel old?

Wait

πŸ‘︎ 142
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/x_amxxn_x
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the impatient Russian say?

Quit Stalin

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ah00fga
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2017
🚨︎ report
What did the impatient Pokemon say to the other Pokemon that was trying on sneakers?

PICK-A-SHOE!!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/magnitohelmet
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2017
🚨︎ report
why did the impatient teenager lift little barbells lots of times?

why did the impatient teenager lift little barbells lots of times? not a fan of cooldown, he didn't like the weight.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/necrotechnical
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2014
🚨︎ report
Well??

Did you hear about the guy who built Wells He was good at it but very impatient.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ciaboom
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
🚨︎ report
When visiting Montreal, my Dad would talk about the impatient Stop signs

"It keeps telling me Stop, already!"

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2013
🚨︎ report
The first Karen to get sick was..

Impatient Zero

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
🚨︎ report
A couple were interested in buying a haunted house.

The owner took them around the ground floor and everything looked perfect, even more so for the low price. The couple were suspicious that they saw no sign of anything supernatural, yet. The owner was pleasant and a little excited when showing them the house, until they got to the stairs. The woman stopped and looked incredibly uncomfortable as she stalled for time. Growing impatient, the couple asked her:

"What's upstairs?"

"Not much, what's up with you?" replied the stairs.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Goaheadidareyou
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad dadjoked my four year daughter at the beach yesterday.

Went to the beach with my family and brought my parents. My wife was making everyone sandwiches when my four year old daughter became impatient and started whining that she wanted her sandwich next.

My dad picked up a handful of sand and slowly poured it out of his hand while saying "What is the matter? Look at all the sand which is here!"

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/robinson217
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2014
🚨︎ report
I told my dad today "I'm going on a diet, I just weighed myself I nearly fell of the scale when I saw what I weighed!"

He said, "That sounds a balance problem and not a weight problem."

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KajiKaji
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2016
🚨︎ report
I was making my way through Atlanta airport the other day when I noticed a man working on a broken escalator...

As I descended down the adjacent, working escalator I noticed the man tapping his screwdriver impatiently at the bottom; looking around as if he were waiting for something. I couldn't resist...

>Me: "Do you have everything you need to fix it?"
>
>Him: "No!" <looking frustrated>
>
>Me: "Well, have you tried escalating?!"

In about half a second the man's face erupted in a smile while he proceeded to laugh so loudly that he startled himself and a woman nearby who gasped, turning to look at him. Somewhere behind me a woman unleashed a loud, "Ha!" as well.

I smiled all the way to my designated boarding gate =D

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/riskable
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2018
🚨︎ report
What kind of flower is the most annoying?

The Impatient.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bearinthegarden14
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2018
🚨︎ report
My favorite patient

I work in an urgent care center. A patient signed in for a stuffy nose for 2 days. They asked how long the wait was and I said about 15 mins, the person rolled their eyes and walked out. I let the physician know that they walked out. She said "That's always good for their health" I said "Well they were my favorite kind of patient."

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/simplesn
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2015
🚨︎ report
Got my wife as she explained something to our toddler.

My wife couldn't open a jar of grape jelly. Our two year old didn't understand why she had to bring it to me. He was only concerned with how long it was taking to make his sandwich. I opened it, but it was pretty hard because the jelly had caked around the threads and dried in place, gluing the lid to the jar.

My wife saw our son getting impatient and told him, "Hold on kiddo, mommy couldn't open the jar, so she had to bring it to daddy. Even daddy had a hard time opening it."

At this point, my internal dad joke radar started screaming a proximity warning. The collision with a dad joke was imminent. I smiled, took half a second to bask in my dad glory, and added, "Yeah, it was jammed."

Wife groaned, but son laughed (because he saw the lid was finally open). I take whatever I can get.

πŸ‘︎ 246
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ArtaxNOOOOOO
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2014
🚨︎ report
Punny names of Dark Souls 3 bosses.

For reference: Link to wiki

Some of these are done in a kind of "news headline"-style:

  • Choir leader fired after using too much sexual innuendo; "Lewd Ex Cantor."

  • Video on demand about a street where nothing happens; "Vod of the Boring Alley."

  • Man's brutal cousin turns out to be a great bloke; "Raw-Ted, Great Dude".

  • Panic spreads as toilet facilities take over the world; "Cry! Stall-Age."

  • A man orders a book of basic letters to look after his daughters belongings while he looks after the others; "ABC, Watch Her's!".

  • Sams brother cheats a dude; "Dean Cons the Peep."

  • A ride in the amusement park offers a wide range of emotions; "High! Low! Woo! Nah."

  • A weird and hard to describe new dessert; "Cold Lemon Thing."

  • A new star in stand up rises! Come see "Puntiff Sulyvahn."

  • Pirates start eating fava beans and a new drink is required; "Yo! Ho! The Chianti!."

  • A Long lived man has an unusual apetite for fish; "Old-Rick, Devourer of Cods".

  • In Bacteria-Town, a devastating disease strikes one inhabitant working at a hotel; "Cancer of the Borrelia Valet".

  • Roman god Cubid is ordered to take a woman to cave and kill her; "Drag and Slay Her Amor"

  • Osiris's statue has been in way too many marriages and people have started to call it; "Osiris the Consummated Thing."

  • The choir leader from before is transformed into a mushroom; "Champignon Cantor"

  • An english man becomes the leader of a Polish airplane company and gets nicknamed; "LOT-Rick"

  • An impatient tree person attacks a random mythical hunter; "Antsy Ent! Why Hern?!"

  • Horse named Elvis keeps making noise and a man shouts;"Neigh Less King!"

  • A child opens a chocolate egg and a white spirit jumps out; "Soul of Kinder"

Sorry about the possible typos.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dralnu22
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2016
🚨︎ report
A zombie walks into a bar

after a few drinks gets in line to use the men's room.

Impatient man behind him: Can I go ahead of you? Zombie: Over my dead body!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2017
🚨︎ report
A Rich Man, his Chef, and his Servant.

There's a rich man that has an Italian chef named Antonio and a Mexican servant named Terry. The rich man requests a meat dish with an Asian kick, so the chef gets to work, but he soon notices that he has no Asian flavoring. Frantically, he sends the servant to get some sauce.

As the rich man becomes increasingly impatient for his meal, the chef calls the servant and asks, "Terry, where are you, and what sauce did you get?"

The servant, pulling into the driveway, replies simply, "Terry aqui!"

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hammershank
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2015
🚨︎ report
Sitting at the Vietnamese restaurant...

And my wife is starting to get a bit impatient waiting for the food. She's getting phostrated.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/justalittlestick
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2016
🚨︎ report
A joke from my dad the Doctor

I asked him whether he has more patients in the winter.

His reply- " No, I'm pretty impatient all year round"

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bisashwi
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2016
🚨︎ report
My parents were helping me move.

We had to go to shopping soon before the store closed. My mom was bubble wrapping some glasses when my dad said impatiently, "hey honey, why don't you wrap it up already ..." and gave me a little smile.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CanadianSpy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2016
🚨︎ report
A Family Trip To The Zoo

My dad, little sister, and I were hanging by the place where they keep the otters. After several minutes of not seeing anything my sister grew impatient. "Where are they? I don't see any of them," she asks.

My dad looks up with a twinkle in his eye, choking back laughter. "Maybe you can't see them 'cause...they're on the otter side..."

God damn it, dad.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ThePocholo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2015
🚨︎ report
What do you call an imp that rushes to the hospital?

Impatient

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nomenculture
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2015
🚨︎ report
Could've just asked the concierge.

I was at the airport waiting for my flight home the other night when over the P.A they asked everyone from flight DJ-478 to Sydney to make their way to the service desk, so myself and my fellow passengers make our way over to the desk, where the very embarrassed and obviously distressed desk worker informs us that our flight has been cancelled, and the next one isn't till the morning, she then tells us that the airport will happily put us up in the 5 star hotel around the corner, and have us dropped back at the airport at 7am the following morning. Most the people there accepted this, after the desk lady told us it was for our personal safety and that there wasn't a lot more they could do, except this one particular gentleman, who storms over to the desk, and tells the woman that he needed to be in sydney tonight, and demands a flight be made available. (It's like 9:30 by this point, surely it could wait till the morning?). After again apologizing to the man, she tells him that won't be possible, and she sends us all on our way to the shuttle bus, with our bags already on there, and off we go to the hotel. The entire bus trip this guy carried on whinging and swearing, getting angrier and angrier by the second. We get to the hotel, and he's about 30 people behind the front of the queue to check in, and he gets impatient with the time it's taking, and again, storms his way up the line, past me (I was at the front), walks over to the desk, slams his fist down and says to the woman behind the desk "I want the biggest room you have, I want it in the next 30 seconds or so help me god, you aren't gonna like what happens", the woman looked up at him and said "Sir, the airport has paid for the rooms we already have organized, if you'll take your place back in line, we'll be with you as soon as we can", the guy got really angry about being asked to move back to his spot, he threw his bag down, and yelled at the woman, "Fuck this, call me a taxi, right fucking now, I'll find somewhere else to stay", that's when i decided to step in.

I said. "Oh okay then, you're a taxi".

He took his place back in line pretty quick.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iCappa
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2013
🚨︎ report
Planting some annuals today, told my son they had to be done immediately...

...because they were impatients.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ja647
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2015
🚨︎ report
Medical papers

So, my mom received some medical papers in the mail. Nothing we didn't already know. Just routine stuff. Anyway, at the top of the page is printed:

Patient Name: Elizabeth Bennet (Obviously not her real name.)

And my dad reads this, and says to her, "If your patient name is Elizabeth Bennet, is your impatient name just Lizzie?"

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Yoyti
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2014
🚨︎ report
Cooking Salmon

Wife (getting impatient): how long till dinner is ready?

Me: I don't know honey. Every time I check, it's still a little pink...

Wife: eye roll

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/el_penultimo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2014
🚨︎ report
My Dads opinion on traffic

My sister was slowing down and causing a backup while she was learning to drive. He got impatient with her and said

"THIS ISN'T A DEMOCRACY, YOU CAN'T VOTE TO SLOW DOWN."

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dnar_Semaj
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2013
🚨︎ report
Just got dadjoked by my mum in the hospital.

My mum had to go in to the hospital because reasons and had to stay overnight, I've been texting her and asked her how she was... and I'll just let it speak for itself.

Me:...how're you feeling?

Her: I'm very tired and just want them to sort out what's wrong. I'm an impatient patient.

Me: * groan * that was so bad.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Samocoptor
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2014
🚨︎ report
The first Karen to get covid was....

Impatient zero.

πŸ‘︎ 52
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/catonmyshoulder69
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.