there is no dog in this picture
This morning I shot a burglar in my pajamas...
...how he got in my pajamas I don't know - but at least that justified my use of deadly force.
Jehovah's Witnesses knocked on my door this morning. I invited them in asked if the wanted something to drink and eat, both said yes. After finishing their Coffee and Cake I said " so what would you like to talk about?"
They said "We don't know we've never got this far".
My six year old niece couldn’t wait to tell everyone this one over Easter: Why didn’t God let the worms stay in their Apple when they got on Noah’s Ark?
Because he told everyone they had to travel in Pears.
There's two things I love more than anything in this world: multitasking, and getting banned from zoos.
So I killed two birds with one stone.
I was in a shoe shop this morning trying on a shoe, I said to the assistant “It’s too tight”.
She said "Try it with the tongue out"
I said "It'th nho ghood, it'th thtill thoo thight".
I apologize in advance for sharing this disturbingly tasteless story here
I'm eating tofu for lunch
I was out with my young son and ran into a friend I hadn’t seen in years. “This is Sam,” I said, introducing him. “And what’s Sam short for?” He asked.
“Because he’s only 3,” i responded.
An open letter to everyone arguing about types of jokes should be allowed in this sub:
C
Sorry, I’ll usher myself out….
There are 10 kinds of people in this world.
Those that understand binary code and those that do not.
You've been warned. It might be a little early in the day for this one.
If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome, I guess now it’s clear why everyone calls me handsome.
Hoping this gets stuck in someone else’s head
One day I'm going to write a book set in medieval times just so I can start it out with this line:
"He was a dark and stormy knight."
This one was my father's favorite joke before my brother and I were teens and starting joking or laughing about something more mature than we were. He'd say in a whisper "Do your want to hear something really dirty?"
After we'd shut up and started listening he'd say,
"Six white horses fell in the mud!"
I use that one on my son on occasion and I hear the same groan as I had at his age. You taught me well, Dad. I miss you!
In a house full of caffeine addicts, I found our coffee maker broken this morning…
and now there’s trouble brewing.
There are only 2 types of people in this world…
This post is set to self destruct in 5 seconds.
edit: wow, this blew up quick.
This joke goes out to all the seriously injured ppl in the hospital right now…
This just in: Donkeys escaped from the Bronx zoo
NYPD is setting up a perimeter around all 5 burros
I was watching this guy demolish everyone in chess, but he spoke with an accent, so I asked if he was Russian...
... he answered "Czech, mate"
mirror, mirror, on this man, why was that the greatest pun in a the land?
I was in a big box store today. A mother and son in front of me were buying a case of torch fuel, for tiki torches. The cashier couldn’t get any of the UPCs on the case to scan, so I suggested that they scan them individually. This worked, so with a straight face I said
“Sometimes you have to think outside the box”
This just in from my daughter: What do you live in if you live in Antarctica?
Ice-olation.
She's only eleven and says she came up with that by herself. I'm so proud 😭😭😭
An opportunity like this only comes once in a lifetime.
Why did I put this post in extra-thick letters?
Because I'm feeling emboldened. (It's hard to control.)
My eight year old sprung this on me when I told him his grandmother ran track in high school.
He's asked if they timed the races back then by going, "one Mississippi, two Mississippi"
I put the wrong spice in my oatmeal this morning...
...I should have seen that cumin.
Didn't take my thyme to look. I was pretty salty about it.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth this morning.
All day I've been speaking with a weird axe scent.
My 10 yo came in and told me this one
Have you ever eaten a clock?
It’s very time consuming, especially when I went back for seconds.
There are two types of people in this world, those who admit to masturbating.....
This was in the room when I got my massage. What's the first thing that comes to mind when reading this?
I recently heard about this young adult novel in which Pavlov’s dog and Schrödinger’s cat team up for a cross country adventure.
I headed down to the library to get a copy for my daughter. The librarian said my description rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.
I was working at this store when a man suddenly came in to rob the place. I managed to fight him off with a price tag gun….
Now the police are looking for him with a price on his head
They’re paving this road in my neighborhood right now. Let’s just say the asphalt is quite fresh.
Just read this in a game
Salt: I just came from the prison
Cat: But you look so friendly. What were you in prison for?
Salt: A salt
Came up with this in a dream.
What does an inquisitive person of private information have if common with the following: ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXY?
Both are rather No Z.
Just got this in a text from my dad.
"I've just combined laxative and alaphabet soup... I call it letter rip!"
There are 3 types of people in this world...
Those who can count and those who can't.
So I hired this dude to count people in the Bible for me. How many Noah's are there. How many Moseses. That sort of thing. Well, today, he stopped about halfway through. I'm sad to say that I had to let him go.
I mean, he only had one Job.
I was working in a McDonald's drive-thru and a kid told me this yesterday
What does the Eiffel Tower and ticks have in common? They are both Paris-sites
My dad said this joke in my cousin's wedding last week
The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers
Stumbled upon this floral pun in the wild (Reddit)
Pardon me but I live in France and am writing this by Google Translate. Thank my God for modern day technology. I am speaking French into my phone this moment and I get the English translation. Father, if you are reading this, I need to tell you about my true sexuality and why I have no girlfriend.
I've always read how peoples kids have come up with witty amazing dad jokes.. And finally I can join that club. My 7 year old daughter said this to me today: "Daddy, the eyelash and the lipstick were in a fight"....
But don't worry, they'll make up 🤣🤣
There are 10 types of people in this world.
Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
There are 10 kinds of people in this world.
Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
There are 10 kinds of people in this world.
Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
