I'm an expert in French history. Just off the top of my head I can name 16 of France's kings.
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︎ Apr 15 2022
I made this She's got of lumps and bumps but I'm overall happy she's finnished kings, queens, and non-binary beans I present to you, my Les-bee-ian ππβ€οΈπ§‘π€π
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︎ Mar 21 2021
I guess the need to measure kings is what led to the ruler.
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︎ Jan 23 2018
While trekking Kings Canyon in Australia. "If this wasn't a canyon I would say it was 'gorge'ous here"
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︎ Jan 24 2016
I showed the cops camera footage of a man stealing a Stephen King book, but they're not going to press charges.
In the end, he got away with IT.
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︎ Jul 09 2022
Someone was throwing Stephen King books at everyone in the library and I couldnβt figure out what was going on-
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︎ Apr 24 2022
I ate a kidβs meal at Burger King today.
I have to say his mother completely overreactedβ¦
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︎ May 24 2022
Iβm going to open a Lion King themed Italian omelette restaurant.
Itβll be called βHakuna Frittataβ
That earned some heavy eye-rolls at dinner last night.
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︎ Apr 21 2022
After years, I finally figured out who made King Arthur's round table.
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︎ Mar 27 2022
I replaced our bed with a king-sized trampoline, when my wife finds out...
My wife is going to hit the roof
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︎ Feb 15 2022
My wife got angry when I switched our king sized bed for a double
I thought it would bring us closer together...
And she even slapped me when I suggested we go single
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︎ Mar 19 2022
I don't want to spoil the ending of IT by Stephen King
But I can tell you, IT's going down well
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︎ Feb 16 2022
I don't always fart in Burger King...
But when I do it's a whopper
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︎ Oct 01 2021
When someone told me the Lord of The Rings: Return Of The King featured elf songs I was a little disappointed
But it was in the title all along and I should have expected an appearance from Elvish Presley.
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︎ Feb 03 2022
Wife bought me a shirt and I am the king of dad jokes... and honestly I'm only occasionally sarcastic
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︎ Aug 19 2021
I didn't use to be afraid of clowns, but then I read a Stephen King novel.
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︎ Nov 19 2021
On a dark dessert highway, Cool-Whip in my hairβ¦
Warm smell of Doritos,
Rising up in the air.
Up ahead in the distance,
I saw the Burger King light.
My head grew heavy,
and my sight grew dim,
I had to stop for a bite.
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︎ May 01 2022
Friend of mine has got a new job in a chess piece factory,
he starts on nights next week.
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︎ Oct 31 2021
I am herby Burger King
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︎ Jul 14 2019
I heard the Russian king learned to sing
I guess he was launched into tsardom.
Better version edit:
I heard a Russian prince learned to sing, and he has a great voice.
Pretty soon, he'll be launched into tsardom.
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︎ Jul 16 2021
I just heard the king of Spain is quarantined on his private jet-
The reign in Spain stays mainly on the plane.
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︎ Jun 06 2021
Today I learned: The writer Stephen King has a son named Joe.
Iβm not joking, but he is.
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︎ Oct 09 2018
At my book club, I wondered why they were throwing Stephen King novels around.
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︎ Nov 15 2020
I got my car horn fixed at a Lion King themed shop called Scar's Auto Body.
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︎ Jan 09 2021
When I get asked why I prefer King-sized mattresses.
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︎ May 16 2021
Her: I think we need to break up. Iβm sick of your addiction to Burger King.
Me: Fine. Have it your way.
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︎ Feb 27 2020
What did the pin say to the baloon? I am the king of pop
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︎ Aug 22 2020
I love the Lion King...
...but Simba is so slow. Sometimes I wish he'd Mufasa.
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︎ Feb 20 2021
I gave a bored king a comedian to try to entertain him
He appreciated the jester
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︎ Mar 06 2021
I heard the King of spain caught Covid...
Heard he tested positive while on his plane going somewhere, now he has to quarantine there.
So the Reign in Spain remains solely on the Plane.
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︎ Dec 01 2020
The salesman at the furniture store told me, βThis sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.β
I said, βWhere the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?β
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︎ Dec 20 2020
I listened to the new Lion King soundtrack tonight...
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︎ Jul 29 2019
Iβm writing a musical work based on Timon and Pumbaa from the Lion King. Iβm calling it the Hakuna Cantata.
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︎ Dec 17 2019
I once had the king of the jungle tell me he was actually a tiger.
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︎ Jul 03 2020
I can't stand eating at Burger King
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︎ Oct 05 2020
You got the time?
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︎ Aug 02 2020
Why was Snoop Dogg arrested after serving me nachos in a Mexican restaurant?
Because murder was the queso that he gave me. (This is a joke I made for my husband, the king of dad jokes)
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︎ Feb 20 2022
Was driving through downtown Pigeon Forge and dropped this oneβ¦
So Pigeon Forge, Tennessee (US), is a HUGE tourist trap. Weβre talking zip lines, roller coasters, Ripleyβs Believe it or Not museum, Ferris wheels, life sized King Kong, etc.
Anywhoo, I was driving the family through this insanity when my wife pointed out a building to the kids and said βlook at that one with all the giraffes on top! I wonder what that is!β Without missing a beat I said, βWelcome, to Giraffic Park!β And hummed the theme song while navigating through a left hand turn. I was proud and laughed out loud at my own joke. My 7 year old loved it.
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︎ Jan 15 2022
Somebody was throwing Stephen King books at everyone, and I was wondering why they were doing that....
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︎ Apr 14 2022
Someone at the bar was throwing Stephen King books at everyone and I wondered why they were doing thatβ¦β¦
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︎ Apr 21 2022
Someone was throwing Stephen King books at everyone, and I wondered why they were doing that...
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︎ Apr 28 2021
I replaced our bed with a king-sized trampoline.
When she finds out, my wife is going to hit the roof.
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︎ Feb 17 2021
I wondered why my daughter was throwing all my Stephen King books around the room. And thenβ¦
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︎ Nov 18 2020
At my book club, I wondered why they were throwing Stephen King novels around...
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︎ Nov 17 2020
At my book club, I was wondering why they were throwing Stephan King books at me.
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︎ Nov 18 2020
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