TIL: Humans are born with four kidneys

When they grow up, two of them becomes adult knees

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Not_obnoxious
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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My wife said, β€œI don’t quite understand the science behind human cloning.”

Me: That makes two of us.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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Movie pitch: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas. Global chaos ensues as the disease wipes out 99% of humanity.

Desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
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Humans go through reincarnation. What do shoes go through?

A reboot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BatWaluigi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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Scientists have finally discovered exactly how much sleep a human needs?

Just 5 minutes more.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
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Severed Human Nose Found

I live across from a lake and some fisherman found a severed human nose. The detective on the case asked if I know who it belongs to. I replied, "no body nose."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/headtattoo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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So I read a study the other day claiming that β€œhumans eat more bananas than monkeys”

Which to me sounded a bit obvious. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Grandcanyon19
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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If I discovered a new element that is slightly denser than the human body.

I would name it hooman, so people could ask are we hooman or are we denser?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/losersmanual
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
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Momma always told me "you are what you eat!" So I started eating mushrooms every day.

I wanted to become a fun guy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/-Masderus-
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Randomguy6282
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
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Did you hear about the human cannon-ball?

He was fired recently.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stormbreaker636
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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Ridiculously photogenic humans (Credit: how.how)
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MetropolisCourier
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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We all know that Albert Einstein was a genius...

But very few people know his brother Frank was a monster.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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If humans were trees, how deep would the roots be ?

Two feet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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Introducing the fauna of the human body
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aj_seravla
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
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I have a human DNA joke

It’s pretty long. It comes in 46 parts. Also, everyone tells the joke differently, but usually family members tell pretty much the same joke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josentangles
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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My friend is making a lot of easy money by taking pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
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What do you call a native Alaskan eye doctor??

An Optical Aleutian

I’ll see myself out...

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
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What do Demons store human souls in?

Sufferware

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πŸ‘€︎ u/QuizzicalQuandary
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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I've just been offered a job as a human chess piece...

The money is good.

I'm on knights this week.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
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Which is the funniest bone in the human body?

Humerus.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KemalKinali
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.

He orders a drink, and asks for the check.

Duck billed platypus.

Edit: Thanks guys.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
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How are humans like snowflakes?

It's hard to drive when too many of them get piled up on the roads.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fastballcount
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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Whats the difference between a human and an animal?

You can legally put down one

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kingxjulian0
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
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One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has broke his back.

We didn’t have Oleg to stand on.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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How many bones are in a human hand?

A handful.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/416b
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
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What do you call the time period between the Bronze and Iron Ages where humans learned to cure meat?

The Sausages.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kiltebeest
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
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Oh the humanity
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Atalkingpizzabox
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
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I think the flu is tired of humans

He said "I'm sick of you all"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gahgjajrng
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
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Today I don't have a dad joke for you. I have a dad fact. Did you know humans eat more seeds than birds?

It's true! When was the last time you ate a bird?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoMoreTerritory
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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How many bones are in a human body?

Hopefully, all of them.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/patty4204
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
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We are doing a jigsaw puzzle of the human anatomy, and I hid the upper arm.

Nobody else finds this humerus.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bearnakedrabies
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
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Kissing someone is human version of accepting germs and conditions
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TickleLife
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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Did you hear about the human cannonball? Too bad he got fired!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
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So if GOAT stands for "Greatest of all time" what does HUMAN stand for?

Anything that they don't want to sit or lay down for

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πŸ‘€︎ u/burnerphonedotexe
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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Why don't vegans fight for human rights?

Because they don't like beef.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thejeshk
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
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A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months.

The woman asked the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, you're brother named them for you.

Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?

Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_joshi_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
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The World Health Organizatuon has discovered that Coronavirus cannot be transmitted between dogs and humans. They have released all quarantined dogs.

To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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My wife rang me at the pub and said, β€œIf you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.” I was home in 5 minutes.

I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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2021

Humans 0

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dizzie222
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
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I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Scientists have finally discovered exactly how much sleep a human needs...

"Just 5 minutes more "

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
So, I read a study the other day claiming that "humans eat more bananas than monkeys".

Which - to me - sounded a bit obvious. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yupitsnoone
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
LPT: A quick and easy way to make money is to take pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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Today I learnt that humans eat more bananas than monkeys

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2020
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If you want to make easy money, just take photographs of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

πŸ‘︎ 116
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend is getting rich by taking pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2020
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine is making easy money by photographing salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
🚨︎ report

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