If a woman says she'll be ready in 15 minutes, she will be.

No need to remind her every half hour.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BusyPooping
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman is on trial for beating her significant other with a guitar. β€œFirst offender?” the judge asked.

β€œNo” she replied. β€œFirst a Gibson , then a Fender”

πŸ‘︎ 354
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/justbeatitTTD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?

Bernadette.

πŸ‘︎ 653
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman suddenly in labor shouts, shouldn’t! wouldn’t! couldn’t! didn’t! can’t! The doctor says "don't worry."

β€œThose are just contractions.”

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VVIIVVI
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell in a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months.

The woman asked the doctor about the baby.

The doctor: Congratulations. You had twins, both boys. They're both fine. And your brother named them a for you.

Woman: No. No. No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name them?

Doctor: He named one of them Pete, after your deceased father as he told me.

Woman: Oh that's actually a very nice name. What did he name the other boy?

Doctor: deeply sighs RePete.

πŸ‘︎ 80
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_joshi_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a woman standing between 2 goal posts?

Annette.

πŸ‘︎ 558
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What's six inches long, has a bald head and every woman loves?

A hundred dollar bill.

This is my dad's favorite joke.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DoctorModalus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Authorities are searching for a four-foot tall woman who recently escaped from prison in upstate New York. She was serving a five year sentence for fraud after convincing a number of victims that she was a powerful psychic.

Now she's a small medium at large.

πŸ‘︎ 78
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/eggsaladapologist
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a pregnant woman when swimming?

A human submarine

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad joked by an 81-year-old woman

I had an elderly patient today who was visibly upset, almost to the point of tears. I asked her if she was worried about having her blood drawn and she said that the blood draw didn’t bother her, but that she was upset because she had hit a cat with her car on the way to her appointment this morning. She said that she didn’t know who the cat belonged to and that she had it wrapped up in a blanket in her car. I asked her how badly the cat was hurt and she said β€œI think he’s going to be alright. I just clipped the hind end of him, but his tail is just barely hanging on. After I leave here, I’m taking him straight to Wal-Mart.”

I told her that she might be better off taking the cat to a veterinary clinic instead of Wal-Mart and she said, β€œbut it’s just his tail, and Wal-Mart is the largest retailer in North America!”

πŸ‘︎ 461
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Doc_Hooligan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you say to a woman who has given birth to members of the military?

Thank you for your cervix.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/saxtrav
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.

Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.

πŸ‘︎ 62
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vbloke
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman is at her deceased father's funeral.

The man sitting next to her asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?" "Absolutely", she responds. So the man walks up to the podium and clears his throat. "Plethora" he says. Then he comes and sits back down. "Thank you", the woman says. "That means a lot."

πŸ‘︎ 55
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kriskidd21
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
🚨︎ report
What is a difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AsrorAkhmedov
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I once saw a woman punch a Mall Santa in the face.

But he did call her a "ho" like three times.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Picker-Rick
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
A man who loved to catch butterflies married the woman of his dreams:

Annette.

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Unfussed
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Did the woman go on a date with the mushroom?

Of course.. After all, he is a Fungi

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad sat me down and told me that he used to be a woman.

I thanked him for being so transparent.

πŸ‘︎ 831
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rv0827
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you know why nursing is a woman's job?

Because men can't breastfeed.

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My pregnant neighbor was really nervous when the woman who was to assist her in labor was stuck in traffic.

She was having a midwife crisis.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Joesdad65
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a blind woman say when she gets to the top of the Space Needle?

Nothing, cause she can't Seattle.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a pregnant woman on Thanksgiving?

Double Stuffed

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/randomsav
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a woman who works in a sunbed salon?

Tanya.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat?"

The librarian replies, "It rings a bell, but I don't know if it's here or not."

πŸ‘︎ 258
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheIndrajitKar
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Woman on the floor: help! Someone call me an ambulance

Me: Hi ambulance.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/saugatRJ
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
The first woman who gave brain had an open mind.
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Edwinflames
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Frank Drebin: We think we’re gonna know how he did it. Woman: Oh Howie couldn’t have done it; he hasn’t been in for weeks.
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pleasethelions
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the woman who refused to get her female cat spayed?

She was arrested for littering.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MidnightArt145
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the woman who was charged with illegally culling trees?

She was arrested by The Special Branch.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dulfuckyourself
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?

Snowballs

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/justbeatitTTD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s an Amish woman’s fantasy?

2 menanite

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/UberPutin69
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad came out as trans so we accepted him as a man, my mom came out as trans so we accepted her as a woman.

It was honestly a surprise but at least they were both Trans-Parent about it.

πŸ‘︎ 60
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Elemental55555
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman starting a hike at the Grand Canyon asked me how the trail was as I reached the top

I said β€œit’s all downhill from here!”

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ATexanHobbit
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I showed this woman all the F-150s at my local dealership, and she instantly wanted me.

I guess she was really into pickup lines.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the woman break up with the man that had 5 pairs of legs?

He brought tension to the relationship

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AceMcSqueezy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?

Because i wanted tequila.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hengeek
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I've been messaging a woman on a dating site. She's only 100cm tall.

I can't wait to meter.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a busty woman holding a bazooka?

Bazooka with bazongas. (I blame my 12yr old son for this)

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RogueBand1t
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when you throw a middle aged woman off a building and they come back to you?

A boomerang

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/blueandgoldilocks
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I was once a boy trapped in a woman’s body

Then I was born

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thisispeculiar
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months.

The woman asked the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, you're brother named them for you.

Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?

Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.

πŸ‘︎ 25k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_joshi_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?

Bernadette.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kgangadhar
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman is on trial for beating up a unfaithful rockstar husband with his guitar collection

The judge asked her, β€œfirst offender” β€œNo,” she says β€œfirst a Gibson then a Fender

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MikeHunt_004
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
A 3 months pregnant woman fell in a coma

After 6 months, she woke up and asked the doctor about her kids, the doctor said "you had twins and they're both fine". She then asked who names them. The doctor said her brother then the woman started going "No, no, no, no, no, no." The doctor asked what's wrong. The woman said "my brother's an idiot! What'd he name them?" The doctor said "he named the girl Denise. The woman said "oh, that's not bad, what'd he name the boy?" The doctor said "Denephew."

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ahmadh26
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
🚨︎ report

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