My housemates keep telling me the place is haunted

I've been here 300 years and haven't seen a thing..

šŸ‘ļøŽ 25
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šŸ‘¤ļøŽ u/BillyBrimstoned
šŸ“…ļøŽ Feb 09 2022
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My housemates are convinced the house is haunted

I've been living here for 274 years and seen nothing strange.

šŸ‘ļøŽ 141
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šŸ‘¤ļøŽ u/jimalexp
šŸ“…ļøŽ Mar 29 2021
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We ordered some mail-order chickens a few months ago. Today, one of my housemates said it's looking like one of them is turning out to be a rooster.

I'm like, "Well see, we shoulda gotten female-order chickens instead, that's our problem right there. We're lucky the rest didn't turn out to be roosters too!"

This was an honest-to-god real conversation I just had with my housemate earlier tonight. :)

šŸ‘ļøŽ 13
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šŸ‘¤ļøŽ u/GlitterCritter
šŸ“…ļøŽ Sep 02 2020
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I made my housemate's eye roll into the back of his head with this one

' I was considering buying a new matress. The salesman was pushing quite hard for the sale, but I was unsure so I said to him "I'm not sure still, I'll have to sleep on it" '

I feel the dad brewing inside me!

šŸ‘ļøŽ 149
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šŸ‘¤ļøŽ u/Lonelyunderpants
šŸ“…ļøŽ May 29 2014
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Dadjoked my housemates regarding pets...

One of my housemates said he thought a hedgehog would make a cool pet, I replied "Nah, you don't want a hedgehog, they're all pricks."

šŸ‘ļøŽ 81
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šŸ‘¤ļøŽ u/Cindres91
šŸ“…ļøŽ Jul 24 2014
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Got one of my housemates

I live with 3 other guys, and we all got home within 15 minutes or so earlier today, with me getting home first. I live on the second floor of a house, and the entrance is on the first.

Housemate 1 is standing outside the door to my room talking to me when housemate 2 gets home. Housemate 2 asks (up the stairs) what housemate 1 is up to.

Me: "The second floor."

šŸ‘ļøŽ 18
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šŸ‘¤ļøŽ u/gordonator
šŸ“…ļøŽ Dec 09 2014
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What did Attila say to his housemate when he got in?

Homie, Iā€™m Hun!

šŸ‘ļøŽ 13
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šŸ‘¤ļøŽ u/staerimto
šŸ“…ļøŽ Jan 22 2022
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My housemate was banging around making a hell of a noise this morning, I got up and said to him...

Me: "I'll have a tennis one while you're at it"

Him: "What?"

Me: "Since you're making a racquet"

šŸ‘ļøŽ 3
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šŸ‘¤ļøŽ u/MakerManNoIdea
šŸ“…ļøŽ Jan 12 2022
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My housemate had a chicken Kiev for dinner last night.

I had to warn him that I had a chicken pro-Russian separatist in the freezer.

šŸ‘ļøŽ 3
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šŸ‘¤ļøŽ u/Bbew_Mot
šŸ“…ļøŽ Dec 13 2020
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My housemate might be a dad

To annoy a female housemate we were flicking bits of sweetcorn at her hair. In response, she escalated the game and threw an orange into my face.

The only way i got through the ordeal was because of what another of my housemates said next. After a long silence, as im holding my face he says "..hell hath no fury like a woman corned".

šŸ‘ļøŽ 812
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šŸ‘¤ļøŽ u/Scrotumbrella
šŸ“…ļøŽ Dec 02 2013
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My Housemate asked me to put the cat out this morning

I didn't even know it was on fire.

šŸ‘ļøŽ 10
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šŸ‘¤ļøŽ u/Complete_Gene
šŸ“…ļøŽ Feb 06 2019
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My housemate will go far

We were watching a film in which nuns wore that full on nun outfit, I argued that almost no nuns wear all of that and is over represented in the movies.

He said to me "I think they probably still wear it all, it's hard to give up an old habit".

šŸ‘ļøŽ 23
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šŸ‘¤ļøŽ u/iMini
šŸ“…ļøŽ Apr 09 2014
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I told my housemate I was gay for noodles

Because I like Ramen a lot more than Ra-women.

I got a much deserved look and groan for that one.

šŸ‘ļøŽ 15
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šŸ‘¤ļøŽ u/TahMan
šŸ“…ļøŽ Feb 06 2016
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My housemate wanted me to look after his herb garden while he was away.
šŸ‘ļøŽ 36
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šŸ‘¤ļøŽ u/Peckled_Frenis
šŸ“…ļøŽ Nov 17 2013
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Got my housemate today.

My housemate was talking about her upcoming trip to Puerto Rico and saying that she had to transfer flights in San Juan.

"But why would you continue after San Juan?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know what they say, when you've San Juan, you've seen 'em all!" Chuckles to self for the next five minutes

šŸ‘ļøŽ 8
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šŸ‘¤ļøŽ u/rocknrollnerd3
šŸ“…ļøŽ Sep 25 2014
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My housemate pulled this on me tonight

Me: I thought it was rather humorous

Him: Personally, I found it quite tibial

šŸ‘ļøŽ 3
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šŸ‘¤ļøŽ u/VirtusTentamineGaude
šŸ“…ļøŽ Feb 05 2015
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Joked the housemate in a group text

We were at our respective work places:

Housemate1: "Traffic is going to suck going home"
Me: "Yeah it's snowing here"
Housemate2: "Sleet atm here, it sucks"
Me: "I use Capital One's ATM, works better"

šŸ‘ļøŽ 2
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šŸ‘¤ļøŽ u/walkingcarpet23
šŸ“…ļøŽ Nov 14 2014
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Got Dadjoked by my housemate

Him: "There are thousands of people in London tonight..." Me: "Cool, why?" Him: "They live there."

šŸ‘ļøŽ 5
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šŸ‘¤ļøŽ u/asalzedo
šŸ“…ļøŽ May 08 2014
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Dad embarrasses family at a graduation dinner

My family and I attended a dinner this evening with my sister's housemates and all of their families - the first time everyone was meeting. As we all browse the menu someone makes the comment that that they didn't like the duck at this restaurant and my father immediately had to chime in.

Dad: You're completely right, it's not all its quacked up to be.

Thanks Dad.

šŸ‘ļøŽ 166
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šŸ‘¤ļøŽ u/srgtslam
šŸ“…ļøŽ May 19 2014
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Don't get wet...

I'd announce to my family that "I'm going to take a shower," or "I'm off to swim practice" and my dad would instinctively respond, every single time... "don't get wet." For some reason, it was hilarious to him! And now I say it to my housemates...

šŸ‘ļøŽ 58
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šŸ‘¤ļøŽ u/MAtoDC
šŸ“…ļøŽ Aug 20 2013
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Watching the Olympic track cycling...

My housemate: Do they have brakes?

Me: No, because then somebody would have to remember whereabouts on the track all the cyclists were while they got a bottle of water and a snack.

My housemate: ugh.

šŸ‘ļøŽ 11
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šŸ‘¤ļøŽ u/kambian
šŸ“…ļøŽ Aug 12 2016
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Dinner decisions

I'm not even five minutes through the door...

Housemate: "What you thinking for dinner tonight?" Me: "I feel like pizza." Housemate: "That's funny, you don't look like pizza."

I feel he's training just in case he finds somebody stupid enough to let him father a child.

šŸ‘ļøŽ 19
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šŸ‘¤ļøŽ u/GetInTheVan_
šŸ“…ļøŽ Jan 14 2014
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Pico De Gallo

My SO was making pico de gallo and having me and our housemates try it, she was asking what we thought it needed.

more lemon? more lime?

tomatoes? cilantro?

I got asked what I think

I don't know, I'm not really a pico de guy yo.

šŸ‘ļøŽ 11
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šŸ‘¤ļøŽ u/rumblecrunch
šŸ“…ļøŽ Jan 27 2016
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"Help a sister out"

Lying on the sofa and unwilling to move, my housemate wanted me to pass something to her. "Come on," she said, "help a sister out."

"What," I ask, "you mean assist her?"

Get it? Assist her? A sister?

šŸ‘ļøŽ 10
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šŸ‘¤ļøŽ u/PostTindall
šŸ“…ļøŽ May 09 2015
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she wanted the dog.

housemate 1. : "I'd love a beagle"

me: "what the space probe?"

Housemate 2. : "sigh* shut up...are they difficult to manage?"

me: "i'd expect so, it took half of NASA to put it on mars"

the response was furrowed brow's and giggles.

šŸ‘ļøŽ 9
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šŸ‘¤ļøŽ u/ridik_ulass
šŸ“…ļøŽ Aug 17 2014
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The first of what I'm sure are to be many front-page worthy posts... Such are the jokes of my dad.

Ok so my Dad was helping me move into my new uni accommodation last month and in the process we had to carry a lot of heavy boxes up my rather steep stairs.

Understandably, being a man in his 50's, he was a little bit worn out after lugging several metre-by-metre crates up to my room, generally full of heavy electrical equipment and books. After letting out a deep sigh he exhaled - 'Crikey, this is like the Great Stairs Crisis of 1965!'.

To my knowledge, or indeed to anyone else's knowledge (including my dad's), so such crisis ever occurred. I just hope he didn't hear my housemate sniggering in his room downstairs*; he does love a good dad joke.

*Ironically I've noticed that laughing at Dad jokes tends to make said Dad more depressed than when you don't, since they're usually fully aware of how bad their joke is and laughing at it only serves to remind them of the fact that people are actually paying attention to the regrettable nonsense which often leaves their mouths.

šŸ‘ļøŽ 2
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šŸ‘¤ļøŽ u/PantuTheDog
šŸ“…ļøŽ Oct 08 2013
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