guess you could call her a missile because she really homed in on her target
π︎ 12
π
︎ Feb 24 2020
Two spiders got married and bought their first home.
I was so happy for the newlywebs.
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Feb 12 2021
Chinese take out: 8 dollars. Tip: 2 dollars. Getting home to find out they forgot part of your order...
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Dec 15 2020
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasnβt happy at all. βHow much have you had to drink?β she asked sternly, staring at me. βNothingβ I slurred. βLook at me!β she shouted. βItβs either me or the pub, which one is it?β
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, βItβs you. I can tell by the voice.β
π︎ 16k
π
︎ Dec 27 2020
I got hired to paint someoneβs home.
I charged for the labor but not the paint. The homeowner said, βwhy didnβt you charge for the paint?β I said, βdonβt worry about the paint. Itβs on the house.β
π︎ 824
π
︎ Feb 06 2021
After all this home schooling, my kid finally lost control
π︎ 57
π
︎ Jan 28 2021
My son left home to become a mime
We haven't heard from him since
π︎ 177
π
︎ Feb 05 2021
We have a box of dead batteries at home.
They are all free of charge
π︎ 66
π
︎ Feb 08 2021
My wife texted me saying "Your great!". I responded, "No, you're great!" She said the text made her day when she got home.
I guess she really likes being corrected on her grammar.
π︎ 63
π
︎ Feb 06 2021
What do you call the feeling of taking off your COVID mask when you get home?
π︎ 12
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︎ Feb 18 2021
FIRST DATE: Her dad: "I want her home before midnight."
Me: "But you already own her home."
Dad: -turning to daughter- "If you don't sleep with him, I will."
Credit to u/psybermonkey15
π︎ 28k
π
︎ Sep 16 2020
Every day I come home and ask my dog how his day was, and every day he always gives the same answer...
π︎ 431
π
︎ Dec 26 2020
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies. "
I replied, "Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids."
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Feb 01 2021
I got home one day and a book was stuck to my toddler
Me: What'd you do today?
My toddler: Nothing
Me: Are you sure about that?
My toddler: That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 11 2021
I was so bored sitting at home that I memorized six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
π︎ 978
π
︎ Dec 16 2020
You'd be impressed with the display cabinet I have at home, full of saltwater and semen.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Feb 15 2021
last gift on birthday
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Jan 28 2021
Bought a home pregnancy test.
Turns out, my house is pregnant.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Feb 07 2021
My realtor asked me how I felt about the defects in the finish trim in my new home.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 07 2021
Itβs a 5 minute walk from my home to the local pub...
...and itβs a 30 minute walk from that pub back home.
The difference is staggering.
π︎ 167
π
︎ Jan 23 2021
I have very fond memories of my dad arriving home, wearing his white t-shirt, black leather jacket, giving me the thumbs up, and saying 'Ayyyy'...
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 13 2021
There was a fly in my home.
So I called the SWAT team.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Feb 13 2021
I have a step ladder at home...
... I never knew my real ladder.
π︎ 701
π
︎ Nov 15 2020
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
π︎ 44
π
︎ Jan 01 2021
When I left home to go on a business trip, my wife said "Don't forget to write"
I thought, "That's unlikely... it's a basic skill, isn't it?"
π︎ 393
π
︎ Dec 21 2020
Archeologists will be digging for a lost village near my home. I hope they find some signs of life.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 18 2021
My wife rang me at the pub and said, βIf youβre not home in 10 minutes, Iβm giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.β I was home in 5 minutes.
Iβd hate for anything to happen to the dog.
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Sep 06 2020
when I was a child we were so poor that my mother made us clothes out of the scraps my dad would bring home from work at the sandpaper factory
π︎ 86
π
︎ Dec 24 2020
Working on a home construction project and felt like relaxing with drink. Of course it's unsafe to mix alcohol with power tools.
Which is why I mixed my drink with a spoon instead.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Feb 05 2021
Given that a case of the sniffles means staying home from school, we give my daughter a daily allergy medicine. My wife was giving her breakfast before school, and when I walked out, I asked if sheβd had her medicine yet.
My daughter said yes, and I replied, βSo youβre de-Claritin that youβve had it already?β
π︎ 40
π
︎ Jan 17 2021
did you know that stippers dont have airconditioning in their homes?
π︎ 38
π
︎ Jan 02 2021
My daughter came into my "home office" (closet) and said, "You wanna hear a joke?" I told her that I did
Daughter: "Quarantine."
Me: . . .
Daughter: "You don't get it. It's an inside joke."
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Aug 08 2020
So I brought a tree home for Christmas
My son saw the huge tree and asked, "Are you going to put i up yourself?"
I replied, "No son I'm going to put it up in the living room."
π︎ 16
π
︎ Dec 24 2020
Why did the phone stay home?
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jan 27 2021
I just heard an announcement on a loud speaker outside my home saying, "If you invest 50$ just once, you can sit and eat for the rest of your life".
I went out and saw the idiot; he was selling chairs.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Feb 09 2021
Wanna know how I welcome birds to my home?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 31 2021
I just bought a dictionary today and bought it home to find out that all the pages were blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
π︎ 39
π
︎ Dec 10 2020
A classic Christmas movie
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Dec 31 2020
Called my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, could you please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She answered, "Yeah..."
"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now!"
π︎ 38
π
︎ Dec 31 2020
One day, as I was walking home, someone threw a block of cheese at my head. I thought-
βThatβs not very mature!β
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 03 2021
Being stuck at home during lockdown, I keep having these nightmares that my house is made of celery.
Doctors are calling it the stalk home syndrome.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 26 2021
When I get home my wife's underwear is coming straight off...
They're cutting right into my hips.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jan 14 2021
I didn't want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker
But when I got home all the signs were there
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Jan 08 2021
How does a computer get drunk?
π︎ 464
π
︎ Jan 26 2021
" I want her home before before midnight."
Date : "But you already own her home"
π︎ 16
π
︎ Feb 07 2021
When I was leaving home for the first time, my dad said to me, "Don't forget to write."
I thought, "That's unlikely. It's a basic skill, isn't it ?"
π︎ 20
π
︎ Jan 01 2021
Every day I come home and ask my dog how his day was, and every day he always gives the same answer...
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 26 2020
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