I was helping my family to clean up after dinner today.
I walked into the kitchen to put some things away. I had some used silverware in one hand, and a tub of butter, a bag of cheese, and a pouch of sour cream in the other. I approached the sink to put the silverware inside when I accidentally dropped the tub of butter on the ground. My sister, who was at the sink at the time, looked at me and said: "That doesn't go there!" I picked up the tub, looked at her, and said:
"Sorry. Butterfingers."
Did you know that fish are a great source of omega 3, which is great for helping the brain function?
...Just some food for thought.
My friend Robert is a lawyer who specializes in helping convicted people by getting their records erased permanently. Everyone calls him...
Feeling ugly? Work at a bee sanctuary and start helping the world! Everyone will think you are beautiful for that
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
Anyone read the Helping Friendly Book written by Iculus.
The moral is read-iculus.
(For all my Phans out there)
I was helping my wife carry the grocery bags inside the house. All of the sudden she gets mad at me and says to carry more stuff.
I mean I would carry more but my hands were tide.
I work at a facility focused on helping drugged animals
This duck came in and I swear he was on quack
So I just found out some politicians with bowel problems are unfairly helping other politicians with bowel problems rise to power.
I guess our government has a problem with crohnyism.
Not a dad, but my neighbor who is a dad was proud of me for this one. He was helping me dig up trees and I turned to him upset and said:
Wow you just left me with a bunch of Ash-holes in my yard.
I started my new job at the local hospital helping to move patients around the hospital
It’s not much, but it’s a rewarding job
I am helping a gold-medal winning sprinter acheive the highest level of spiritual awareness.
...I feel like The Flash, because I too, am enlightening Bolt.
Helping my work colleague with her car. "I'm sorry, it's not looking good....
... I think it's caught the car owner virus"
I was helping my friend move when I accidentally dropped his box of vinyl down a long flight of stairs.
The distance it fell was record breaking.
Helping the postman get this to the correct address
I love watching touching videos of people helping each other.
I’m just afraid that it’s not social distancing.
I was helping my dad with construction he told me to get the hammer but I accidentally gave him the drill
He said I could have nailed it, but I screwed up
I bribed my friends into helping me move by buying an extra large stuffed crust pepperoni...
Helping the economy one job at a time
The lady helping me at the bank has a big stain on her shirt.
Thor’s brother didn’t want anyone to know he was helping him save Asgard
My girlfriend’s dad was helping out renovating our bathroom.
While cutting out sheet rock for the tile, he hands me a circular cutout with the words “to it” written on it.
He began to tell me that I’ll never be able to say I’ll do something “when I get around to it”, because now I have one of my own.
After about a minute I never sighed harder in my life.
I’ve just been helping a man wearing a black robe holding a scythe get the frost off of his car
I was de-icing with death
A farmer’s convict son was supposed to be helping him with the chores. When he looked behind the barn, his son was asleep on the hay.
I was trying to get help for my mental health issues, but the guy helping me turned out to be completely crazy
He was a psycho therapist
What do you call it when you go back for another helping of ice cream?
In an ambulance, there is the driver and 2 people helping the injured
They're pair of medics
(Paramedics)
The guy I asked for directions from wasted no time helping me.
He was straight to the point.
I was at the aquarium and saw two cephalopods helping each other...
It was a clear case of squid pro quo.
My arborist friend was helping a tree that was peeling
But it turns out he was barking up the wrong tree
I was helping a buddy install his backyard fence, when I realized I screwed up and had to do it again.
I said, “Sorry about the repost.”
My disabled friend said that he invented a Helping Hat.
He should've named it a Handy Cap
My house is infested with insects, but at least they are helping me with my taxes.
I don't like giving credit to others for helping me with work
I don’t get why my wife complains about me not helping with dinner
We’re practically a fully functioning restaurant.
She’s the chef, she makes the food.
I’m the waiter, I sit around waiting for dinner.
Why is a bird so good at helping it’s friends pick up chicks?
He is the ultimate wingman.
My wife wouldn't stop nagging me about not helping cook the chicken on the grill
So I angrily got up and flipped the bird
My father was disappointed when I told him I would be helping construct and pave a cul-de-sac.
He told me it was a dead-end job.
Was helping my daughter with history homework when she asked me if I knew anything about Galileo...
I said, “He was a poor boy, from a poor family...”
The eye roll indicated my job there was done.
I took a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters
Filling out prescriptions and helping to plant crops are basically the same job
One’s a pharmacist and the other’s a farm assist
Just finished helping my daughter write a song for her talent show
Elon Musk's engineers are helping with the Thai children in the cave.
When I was helping my dad rewire part of the house he told me that he could tell that a convict had done the old electrical work.
When I asked why he showed me a bundle of wires and said, "It's all confused."
What organization is best at helping people with all of their sewing and stitching projects?
My wife was helping brush my sons teeth when
My wife was helping brush my sons teeth when he turned his head and she accidentally got tooth paste on his nose. He looked into the mirror and said excitedly, "Mom, I look like I'm Bluedolph the reindeer". I knew there was more than one reason I keep this kid around.
I was helping a friend install his backyard fence, but I screwed up and had to do it again.
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