I was helping my family to clean up after dinner today.

I walked into the kitchen to put some things away. I had some used silverware in one hand, and a tub of butter, a bag of cheese, and a pouch of sour cream in the other. I approached the sink to put the silverware inside when I accidentally dropped the tub of butter on the ground. My sister, who was at the sink at the time, looked at me and said: "That doesn't go there!" I picked up the tub, looked at her, and said:

"Sorry. Butterfingers."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NateGetsHate
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you know that fish are a great source of omega 3, which is great for helping the brain function?

...Just some food for thought.

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EtoStui
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend Robert is a lawyer who specializes in helping convicted people by getting their records erased permanently. Everyone calls him...

Expunge Bob

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GeoffInNC
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Feeling ugly? Work at a bee sanctuary and start helping the world! Everyone will think you are beautiful for that

Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder

πŸ‘︎ 87
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoMoreTerritory
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Anyone read the Helping Friendly Book written by Iculus.

The moral is read-iculus.

(For all my Phans out there)

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AshiGoshi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I was helping my wife carry the grocery bags inside the house. All of the sudden she gets mad at me and says to carry more stuff.

I mean I would carry more but my hands were tide.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vapingpigeon94
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I work at a facility focused on helping drugged animals

This duck came in and I swear he was on quack

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DREAD1432
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
🚨︎ report
So I just found out some politicians with bowel problems are unfairly helping other politicians with bowel problems rise to power.

I guess our government has a problem with crohnyism.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/caligari87
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Not a dad, but my neighbor who is a dad was proud of me for this one. He was helping me dig up trees and I turned to him upset and said:

Wow you just left me with a bunch of Ash-holes in my yard.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tataku999
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I started my new job at the local hospital helping to move patients around the hospital

It’s not much, but it’s a rewarding job

πŸ‘︎ 82
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RavenxMiyagi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I am helping a gold-medal winning sprinter acheive the highest level of spiritual awareness.

...I feel like The Flash, because I too, am enlightening Bolt.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Helping my work colleague with her car. "I'm sorry, it's not looking good....

... I think it's caught the car owner virus"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I was helping my friend move when I accidentally dropped his box of vinyl down a long flight of stairs.

The distance it fell was record breaking.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Helping the postman get this to the correct address
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoggyPaste
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
🚨︎ report
I love watching touching videos of people helping each other.

I’m just afraid that it’s not social distancing.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VaiterZen
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I was helping my dad with construction he told me to get the hammer but I accidentally gave him the drill

He said I could have nailed it, but I screwed up

πŸ‘︎ 74
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhoIsPharoah17
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
🚨︎ report
I bribed my friends into helping me move by buying an extra large stuffed crust pepperoni...

I call it β€œinfluen-za.”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dcrose89
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Helping the economy one job at a time
πŸ‘︎ 523
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sescala
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2018
🚨︎ report
The lady helping me at the bank has a big stain on her shirt.

Should I teller?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Thor’s brother didn’t want anyone to know he was helping him save Asgard

He was Loki, a revenger

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ladder_of_cheese
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend’s dad was helping out renovating our bathroom.

While cutting out sheet rock for the tile, he hands me a circular cutout with the words β€œto it” written on it.

He began to tell me that I’ll never be able to say I’ll do something β€œwhen I get around to it”, because now I have one of my own.

After about a minute I never sighed harder in my life.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrewChrist87
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
🚨︎ report
I’ve just been helping a man wearing a black robe holding a scythe get the frost off of his car

I was de-icing with death

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2019
🚨︎ report
A farmer’s convict son was supposed to be helping him with the chores. When he looked behind the barn, his son was asleep on the hay.

He was out on bale.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I was trying to get help for my mental health issues, but the guy helping me turned out to be completely crazy

He was a psycho therapist

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DutchBlob
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when you go back for another helping of ice cream?

Secondairy.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Feathers_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
🚨︎ report
In an ambulance, there is the driver and 2 people helping the injured

They're pair of medics

(Paramedics)

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrazyQueen502
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
🚨︎ report
The guy I asked for directions from wasted no time helping me.

He was straight to the point.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JayDeeVeeYes
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
🚨︎ report
I was at the aquarium and saw two cephalopods helping each other...

It was a clear case of squid pro quo.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quibblicous
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2019
🚨︎ report
My arborist friend was helping a tree that was peeling

But it turns out he was barking up the wrong tree

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PLUMBUM2
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
🚨︎ report
A helping hand
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrGibbo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I was helping a buddy install his backyard fence, when I realized I screwed up and had to do it again.

I said, β€œSorry about the repost.”

πŸ‘︎ 88
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2018
🚨︎ report
My disabled friend said that he invented a Helping Hat.

He should've named it a Handy Cap

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fitzz7
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
🚨︎ report
My house is infested with insects, but at least they are helping me with my taxes.

They're account ants.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thkoog
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2019
🚨︎ report
I don't like giving credit to others for helping me with work

I don't like it, et al.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I don’t get why my wife complains about me not helping with dinner

We’re practically a fully functioning restaurant.

She’s the chef, she makes the food.

I’m the waiter, I sit around waiting for dinner.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Why is a bird so good at helping it’s friends pick up chicks?

He is the ultimate wingman.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theonlykelc
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife wouldn't stop nagging me about not helping cook the chicken on the grill

So I angrily got up and flipped the bird

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jackymon
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2019
🚨︎ report
My father was disappointed when I told him I would be helping construct and pave a cul-de-sac.

He told me it was a dead-end job.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Roivas14
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Was helping my daughter with history homework when she asked me if I knew anything about Galileo...

I said, β€œHe was a poor boy, from a poor family...”

The eye roll indicated my job there was done.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kailebeverettart
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I took a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters

It's shift work

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dylanthomas29
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2018
🚨︎ report
Filling out prescriptions and helping to plant crops are basically the same job

One’s a pharmacist and the other’s a farm assist

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/36chambersoffun
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Just finished helping my daughter write a song for her talent show

it's a rap

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/garbagearmy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Elon Musk's engineers are helping with the Thai children in the cave.

They have a boring job.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StamosLives
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2018
🚨︎ report
When I was helping my dad rewire part of the house he told me that he could tell that a convict had done the old electrical work.

When I asked why he showed me a bundle of wires and said, "It's all confused."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JediOfTheShire
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2018
🚨︎ report
What organization is best at helping people with all of their sewing and stitching projects?

The ThRed Cross.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sr_ChalupaBatman
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife was helping brush my sons teeth when

My wife was helping brush my sons teeth when he turned his head and she accidentally got tooth paste on his nose. He looked into the mirror and said excitedly, "Mom, I look like I'm Bluedolph the reindeer". I knew there was more than one reason I keep this kid around.

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ‘€︎ u/basotl
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2016
🚨︎ report
I was helping a friend install his backyard fence, but I screwed up and had to do it again.

Sorry for the repost.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
🚨︎ report

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