The Shoemakers Match

Did you hear about the shoemaker? He was heeling from a broken heart when he ran into his solemate! They started off on the wrong foot, but they really are a perfect pair!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AV012220
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
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Going to the foot doctor tomorrow.

Don't often think about my feet. They are usually the furthest thing from my mind.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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What is made of leather, a foot long and sounds like a sneeze?

A shoe.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HydrosFear
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
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My very first dad joke as an actual dad.

On the day my daughter was born Nurse: We're gonna have to give her a few shots in her heel. Me: Her heel?! She's not going to be able to walk for months!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/brickforsheep
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
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Dad: β€œI like to have my shoes match my pants. For instance, my brown shoes go well with my blue pants and my black shoes go well with my gray pants. My stripper heels on the other hand...”

β€œ...don’t go with anything.”

My dad never makes β€œdad jokes” but, he actually said this yesterday and I’m so proud.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/blueholeload
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2020
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As a mafia hitman, my story of a successful mission I was assigned--which had me assassinate a decade of mob bosses--usually started as similarly sounding like the layman's term of the fibrous tissue along the calves and heels...

"I killed these ten Dons..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MabalsaRitchie
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
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Some heel must have started it.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dankmonseiur69
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2017
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I walk a lot and I've developed plantar fasciitis in my right heel

This condition is caused by inflammation of the plantar fascia along the bottom of your foot, and it can cause pretty intense heel pain.

After I got home from work last night I tried to soak my foot in some hot water. My wife saw me and said, "That isn't going to work..."

I said, "Hey! I am allowed to have my ache and heat it, too!"

She just stared at me for a moment, shook her head, and walked out of the room...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TurkMcGill
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2019
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dart joke

Me, playing darts: Ah, that's a prime target

My friend: What?

Me: *throws dart* heel yeah, 13 pts!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirZbear
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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I dyed laughing at this.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_vasiliss
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2020
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This is my wife’s first time in heels

She’s reached new heights

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2019
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I'm a man who likes to drive with high heels on...

I call it drag racing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Striddy2
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2018
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My wife went to get a pedicure with her mother. She sent me a text saying that they have an exfoliating, foot scrub that has CBD/Hemp oil in it and she was going to try it out...I replied β€œbaby, do you realize that you left the house with slippers on...

But you are coming back with high heels”. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirTurkTurkelton
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2020
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I accidentally cut off most of my foot

It’s almost all heeled

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lLoopl
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
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A girl told me to take off her shirt and skirt

Then she told me to take off her heels and bra, then she told me to take her panties off. And then she told me to stop wearing her clothes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yuri-123
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
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I went to a drag race last Saturday...

I still can't believe the guy in high heels won.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jigsatics
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
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Our local shoe factory burned down last night!

Thankfully there were no soles lost.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Neferashu
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
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I just got new high heels....

...and since I directly fell in love with them, I had to send a photo of me wearing them to some friends and somehow also my to dad.

I got responses like "You look hot" or "So sexy!".

My dad's response: "You must be so tall wearing them. I guess I know who's getting a helmet for christmas!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drakooi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2015
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Some say I’m a really good dancer

I tell them: it’s in my sole

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πŸ‘€︎ u/UndeadNineKills
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
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Got my girlfriend with this today, her 13 year old sister just bought her first high heels.

Her: "she's too young for heels, like where's she going to wear them?" Me: "on her feet"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/roryo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2015
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What do you call a milk man in high heels?

Dairy Queen...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gabrielc0208
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2017
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What did they say about the couple who had the same shoe size?

They were sole mates

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2020
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I passed all my courses except for Greek mythology.

That has always been my Achilles’ elbow.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2018
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My girlfriend was walking thru the city with stilettos on when a part of one gave out...

She said, "what the heel!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
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Learning to walk in high heels will keep you on your toes.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImEnhanced
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2018
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What a carefree puppy
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Algerian
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2019
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I recently tore my Achilles. The doctor doesn't know if it'll heel.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Coffeechipmunk
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2016
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What do you get when you have a high heel fetish and see a real nice pair of stilettos?

A shoe horn

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hmhammersmith
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2017
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Sadly I hurt my ankle the other day

Not to worry, it's heeling well

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πŸ‘€︎ u/perfectlevel
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2019
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I went to the doctor because the back of my foot hurt.

He said it could be months until it heels.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yoav-bam
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
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My coworker's heels were making loud noises when we were walking up the stairs...

Me: are you stomping?

Her: no, my shoes are hollow so they make a lot of noise.

Me: all shoes are hollow, IT'S HOW WE GET OUR FEET IN!

Her: <rolls eyes>

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πŸ‘€︎ u/franklinbrown
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2015
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What did the doctor say to the patient who broke their foot for the second time?

I'll reboot you

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ucom1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
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My friend got me pretty hard while I was in heels

I was wearing high heels, which is unusual for me, and talking with two friends when I said, "Hey [Friend 1], I'm almost taller than you!" (I'm a shorty, 5'2")

Friend 2, "Nah Brunchy you still have a lot to go"

Me, "Well then these heels are pointless."

Friend 1, "Yeah they have a rounded front."

She's going to be a fantastic dad one day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/brunchfordinner
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2014
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I once fell in love while doing a front flip!

I was head over heels...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/puddlepirate20
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
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Homer had a hard time writing factually.

It was his Achilles heel.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2020
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Why are foot injuries so serious?

... because they take so long to heel.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IgnoranceIsAVirus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
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My girlfriend just walked out on me

My girlfriend just walked out on me and on now my injuries won’t heel

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
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I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.

It was sole destroying.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Geddy456
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2018
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My lack of knowledge of Greek Mythology...

...is my Achille’s knee.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2016
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Dad, I have sand in my shoes.

Really? I have feet in mine.

No dad! It really hurts.

That's called agony of defeat.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Inch-Allah
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2014
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I got a new dog and named him Achilles

He only knows how to heel

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Einstine1984
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2019
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What’s the good thing about a broken foot?

It heels.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2019
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124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

β€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, β€˜The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

β€œI’ll call you later!”- β€œPlease don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

β€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: β€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

β€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, β€˜No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: β€œWow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

β€œMe: β€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: β€˜Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

β€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

β€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

β€œWhat’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: β€œDon’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: β€œNo, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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I know Almost nothing about Greek Mythology.

It is my Achilles heel.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2019
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I fell in love with your mother while doing a back flip.

I was head over heels

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirMalcolmK
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2019
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