It was a sewer-slide
Paddy fell off the roof.
Today I held the ladder for my dad while he was cleaning the gutters out, in the rain no less.
An acorn rolls down the newly cleaned out gutter, making quite a racket and falling down the drain spout.
Dad: "Looks like I got a strike! Well, actually, more like a gutter ball!"
I was attempting to climb onto the roof to clean the pine needles off but was having trouble because the roof itself was really hot. I turned to my dad and asked him for some gloves to help with the heat. His response was, "what did you expect, it's been sitting out in the sun all day?"
Grandpa: What's testosterone?
Me: It's a hormone.
Grandpa: Have you ever heard a whore moan?
I said no I didnโt know he could.
But then I spared him
I'm not sure what the joke was, but somebody should get his head out of the gutter.
but they keep ending up in the gutter.
Becauae their job is on the house.
With the optician because I'm an eyedropper...
With the sign company because I'm a name-dropper...
And with the gutter company because I'm an eavesdropper...
I live in South Carolina, sort of near the coast, and Hurricane Florence is headed this way. My two youngest children--total cowards--were helping me clear out all of the storm drains and curb gutters on our street to help the expected 10-20 inches of rain drain as best they can. Any time any insect flies past them, they scream bee and run away screaming. I'm talking like they're afraid of butterflies. My youngest says that Winter is her favorite season because all the bees are dead.
So, we finish up, and I go inside ahead of them, making them put the shovels away, and I hear, from inside, them running and crying/shrieking across the front porch and inside the house.
My youngest, amidst her sobs, says, "It was as big as a baseball" and holds the one I keep on my desk up for comparison.
I think make the B sign in ASL with both of my hands, stand up and say "BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ" at them while they run away in fear, and when the middle child says, "THAT'S NOT FUNNY" I keep moving towards them with my B hands while saying, "DO YOU WANT ME TO JUST LET YOU BEE? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA"
I'm a great dad.
But he couldn't keep his mind out of the gutter.
A man sees a priest buying hard liquor on a Sunday at a shop down the street from the church the priest is the pastor of. Surprised, the man, who went to that church, asked why he was buying a 5th of Jagermeister.
The priest said, "it's an old catholic secret that Jagermeister helps ease constipation, which one of the nuns has.
So the guy shrugs and leaves, only to see the priest later that day, not halfway back to the church, drunk as a skunk in the gutter, tipping the brown paper bag with Jagermeister in it all the way back as he drinks it.
He pulls up in his car and asks, "I thought you said it was for a nun's constipation!?"
The priest grunted, "It is! She's going to shit herself when she sees me like this!"
I'm posting this, my grandfather's joke, in honor of him passing a few months ago.
I was talking to 2 friends when 1 of them said she had an itch on the bottom of her leg. The other friend, who had his mind in the gutter, said his brain started running wild after hearing bottom and started thinking of all different kinds of bottoms.
To which I replied he might be in need of a Lo-bottom-y.
"I'm gonna go learn how to sue people"
"Sue her, sue her, sue her, get your mind outta the gutter."
