They should be called... gargles.
Me: "I need to call your insurance about breast pumps... see what they cover."
Husband: "Probably the boob."
If I pass you on the right lane, you're not in the right lane!
My sister was talking about an episode of bones in which they apparently found a body in a wine barrel.
My dad stops her and says, "so are you saying it was a full-bodied wine?"
All offenses aside, I’m originally from Britain and we make fun of the Irish ALL the time.
So an Irishman stumbles upon a genie’s lamp and says to himself “ooh laddy what have we found here? I tink I’ll give it a rub to see if a genie appears!”
So he does, and lo, a puff of blue smoke comes pouring out of the spout, billows into the air and the genie’s form becomes solid. It speaks, “Oh master of the lamp, I am your genie and I grant you three wishes.”
The Irishman’s eyes are wide open with glee, his cheeks and nose red with fire, he shouts “tree wishes?! That’s just brilliant!” For me first wish, I’ll have a bottle of whiskey that never runs dry.”
The genie, eyes rolling, clicks his fingers and POOF a nice big bottle of whiskey appears before the Irishman. “Well I tink we’ll have to put this to the test!” He snatches up the bottle, takes a long healthy swig, glug glug glug, and the bottle pops as he releases it from his lips, “Ahhhhhhhh!!!” And to his amazement as soon as the liquid in the bottle settled, it gave a large burping “bulp!”, released a large bubble, and when the bubble popped the bottle was full again. “WELL I’LL BE! THAT’S THE MOST INCREDIBLE TING!”
The genie, steadfastly unimpressed, reminded the Irishman “Master, I will bring you fortune, splendor, reputation, treasures beyond any imagination. You have two wishes remaining. What would master want for a wish?”
The Irishman looks to the genie and says “oh tat’s easy! I’ll have two more of these!”
A Brussels spout
is you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, orate, recite or chat about Thesaurus Club.
My mum doesn't like that I'm drawing and designing tattoos for people, so my dad just goes
"She's worried you'll get drawn into it all."
Then the next minute he just spouts "A Farmer got a nobel prize, he was outstanding in his field."
It's only 8 in the morning..
It looked like foul play. The mason wasn’t a suspect. He had a concrete alibi. The night of the accident he said he was with his girlfriend. She confirmed this. There was a wall of evidence. Consequently his alibi was rock solid and not just a facade. There was damning evidence that it was the plumber. They figured his alibi, that he was at the casino, wouldn’t hold water. But cameras showed fluid betting all night. This, obviously, threw a wrench in the investigation. The investigators followed a lead to the electrician. He had a shocking secret. It seems the electrician had been charged with battery only months earlier. But it was a dead end. They looked at the HVAC installer, but his alibi was airtight. Next, they tried to nail the Roofer, as he had been spouting off about the victim the day of the accident. But the roofer had been hammered all day. There was no way they could paint him as the cunning mastermind.
Then they saw the writing on the wall: the painter had both motive and opportunity. He was seen canvassing the accident site a few strokes before midnight when the accident occurred. The victim fell off a faulty ladder that was covered in finger paint. It seems the victim and the painter had a few brush-ins before. And it wasn’t a pretty picture. The painter was indicted, but despite all the evidence, the charges didn’t stick and the jury let him roll off clean.
My dad was really quiet for about 20 minutes (usually a sign that he's concocting a pun) and then spouted out this gem:
Two people meet at a costume party
"What did you dress up as?" "I'm a harp!" "Really? It looks a little small to be a harp." "Are calling me a lyre?"
So I was pouring a cup of coffee when the lip of the cup caught on the spout of the coffee pot causing some hot coffee to splash on my hand, instinctively I yanked my hand away like a scalded cat.
Customer: "oh my God, are you ok?!”
Me: "Yeah, it's fine. It's only a..Light Roast."
Today I held the ladder for my dad while he was cleaning the gutters out, in the rain no less.
An acorn rolls down the newly cleaned out gutter, making quite a racket and falling down the drain spout.
Dad: "Looks like I got a strike! Well, actually, more like a gutter ball!"
I was on the phone with my dad tonight and telling him about this subreddit in response to something he had said. He started spouting jokes at me like rapid fire.
Dad: You know what would happen if the bassist from Led Zeppelin went on tour with the drummer of the Beatles?
Me: I dunn-....
Dad: They'd be John Paul Jones & Ringo!! You know who the hillbilly was that discovered the Beatles?
Me: Who?
Dad: Buddy Epstein [Buddy Ebsen/Brian Epstein]!!! Who was the first Beatle to orbit the earth three times?
Me: Oh, my God...John Glennon?
Dad: See? You should post those to your forum! These are all winners, here!
