What do you call a squirt gun with urine in it...

A piss-tol

πŸ‘︎ 77
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TopHatLlama353
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad: so last year you played "squirt" league right son?

Son: yeah and this year I will be in peewee Dad: so do they want you to play soccer or urinate?

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/exactchange516
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2017
🚨︎ report
Diarrhea is hereditary

It runs in your genes.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SirkSirkSirk
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
A boy loves eating his bread with lemon squirted on top

One day, his dad comes across him eating like this and says, "That do be sourdough"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/InfiniteProximity
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I accidentally squirted ketchup in my eye

I now have Heinzsight

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My son tried to make me a rest bed with a built-in water station, but the water kept squirting out.

I smiled and told him, "Hey, it's the cot that founts!"

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I just squirted ketchup in my eye

In Heinz-sight, it was a bad idea.

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PinkShrimpz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend's face cream squirted out in this shape this morning imgur.com/gallery/OfTbdnF
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Moobs_like_Jagger
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
🚨︎ report
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet

but now I kinda like the little squirt.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jtp_5000
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Pun appreciation because the guy I’m seeing is too slow to get it

him: ugh I wish you could squirt

me: wtf I don’t call out all your flaws so don’t call out my short cummings

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CallMeMissKeesha
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Not to brag, but I made some incredible dinner last night.

With a silent β€œcr”.

πŸ‘︎ 79
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2018
🚨︎ report
"Dad, how come you didn't name me after you?"

Well, because we named you after your Mom, squirt.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
🚨︎ report
/r/baseball did not appreciate my post - I think it’s better suited here anyway

I have a bunch of stupid baseball questions. I know most of the rules, I just want to make sure I have all my bases covered.

  • Imagine there’s a fan of the team that is currently fielding in the stands, and that said fan has a prosthetic arm. The batter hits a pitch and sends it on a home-run trajectory into the stands. If the fan in the stands throws his arm at the ball and diverts it back in the field of play, can they rightfully say that they were just β€œlending the team a hand” by stopping the home run?

  • Consider the exact opposite situation - the fan’s team is at bat and the batter hits a fly ball to the outfield. If Elastagirl from the Incredibles just happened to be the fan in question, can she spring into action and catch the ball before the outfielder has the chance to?

  • Now, imagine I smuggled a water gun into the stadium on a particularly hot day, and I managed to squirt sticky black liquid onto the batter. Does that mean he can take a walk since he was β€œhit by pitch”?

  • Consider the freak circumstance where a ball in motion collides with a bird, causing it to spiral in its descent and eventually collide in turn with an umpire. Can the player responsible for the ball’s motion be ejected from the game due to repeatedly flipping the bird at an umpire?

  • Can a losing team sub out their man on the mound with a large quantity of beer to prolong the game? There’d still be a pitcher on the mound!

  • If a pitcher throws a slider into the strike zone and the batter doesn’t swing, should the umpire consider it a strike, a ball, or the catcher’s dinner?

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/grumpy_princess
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
🚨︎ report
My 9yo daughter was lying on the couch cuddling with our new kitten. β€œIt’s time for bed,” I said.

β€œI don’t want to get up,” she replied. β€œWill you carry me?

β€œNo,” I replied. β€œGet up and go to bed.”

β€œBut I’m too tired. Carry Me?”

β€œNo! You’re like 90 pounds now. You’re too heavy.” I said.

β€œWell then, pretend I’m the kitten,” she said and grinned.

So I picked up the squirt bottle and sprayed her in the face.

πŸ‘︎ 119
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/webdisaster
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2018
🚨︎ report
Dad joked my friend

My friend said he wanted the squirt gun that shoots jelly from the island of misfit toys. I told him it would probably jam a lot and asked him if it was standard issue for the US Army Preserves.

πŸ‘︎ 164
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SirBrentsworth
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2013
🚨︎ report
I took a p-shooter to a water fight...

They didn't know what hit 'em until I squirted them with it!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2017
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.