Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.
He said its beauty was unpresidented
Now I can’t even look myself in the mirror…
Always date a girl with small hands.
Which made him a GIRAF.
some say he's still hungary to this day
He said that made him a tad Pole…
Now I can’t even look myself in the mirror.
But he messed up the timing.
You know why our dancers don't move their arms when their dancing?
Their arms have been decommissioned.
Spat ma Guinness.........
RIP Finn you funny bastard.
Grandfather (shouting loudly): Dad we are all about to sit outside in the garden. Where is best for you to sit? Great Grandfather: On my bottom.
Collective groan from the family...i'm the only one laughing.
Imagine a Maine accent, as a kid on a farm in 1924.
> As kids, they walked up to their mother and ask
"Mom, Is pig's sold?"
Their mother yells at them to correct their grammar.
"PIGS ARE SOLD!"
Commence giggling and running away as their mother realizes what they tricked her into saying.
(The joke is to say the mothers line quickly and drop the "D" like 'ole time Mainers do)
I'll never forget this joke. It's the only one he ever told me.
What was funny in the 1920's is completely different I guess.
There was this convenience store and the owner had a parrot perched next to the register. The parrot would talk to customers as they walked by and one day a man was walking by and the parrot said "You're the ugliest man I ever saw.". Taken aback, the man said "What did you say?" and the parrot said "You're the ugliest man I ever saw."
The man was outraged. He talked to the owner and said "Do you know what your bird just said to me?"
"No." said the owner.
"He said I was the ugliest man he ever saw."
"I'll give him a talking to." said the owner. "You come back tomorrow and see if things aren't a bit different."
That night the owner takes the parrot and slaps him around some, and tells him not to insult the customers ever again.
So the next day rolls around and the man stops by the store. He walks up to the register and says to the bird "What do you think you're lookin' at?"
The bird says, "You know."
After telling us about moving to Baltimore in the 30's: Dad: "So how'd you get to Baltimore, papaw?" (Meaning, was it for work or any particular reason. ) Papaw: "I took the train, boy." Like it was the dumbest question he'd ever heard.
Nurse: "How are you feeling today, George?"
Grandpa George: "Sober."
Cafeteria worker: "What would you like to drink today?"
Grandpa George: "Whiskey."
Father: "So, how does it feel being a dad?"
Son: "It feels good. I'm a bit scared of course, but so excited at the same time. How does it feel being a grandfather?"
Father: "It feels pretty great. You've always been a good son and I've been patiently waiting for this special moment. There's something now that I have to give you."
The son watches curiously as his father pulls a large tome out of his backpack with exquisite text on the cover: 'The Big Book of Dad Jokes'.
Father: " For generations these sacred texts have been passed down through the patriarchs of our family. My father gave it to me when you were born and now, as a new father yourself, I bestow it to you. With this book you will have all the knowledge needed to become a truly great Dad."
Son: " Wow, Dad, this is amazing! Truly! I'm... I'm honored."
The father smiles as he extends his arm out to shake his son's hand and says,
"Nice to meet you, Honored. I'm Dad."
My grandfather, in his younger days, retired from his NASCAR dreams to do construction so he could raise a family. Fast forward 45 years to 1994. I was around 15. My grandfather, grandmother, her mother, and I were on the return trip from the Costco and liquor store just inside the no sales tax state of Oregon. My grandfather was, as usual, driving. He raced for Lincoln and they sponsored him so they gave him a really good lifetime discount. He drove a brand new Continental his entire life. He always raced down to Oregon as fast as he could and then tried beating his time while driving back. Suddenly, at about 140mph, a Pheasant committed suicide on the front end. We could see feathers occasionally come loose. Grandpa already had a couple minutes to make up. Needless to say, despite my grandma's insistance, stopping to investigate wasn't in the plans. When we got home, he was cussing an ill timed traffic light with a bored motorcycle cop parked on the sidewalk waiting for his target. M... keep reading on reddit ➡
We just visited the cemetery to visit my great grandfather's grave, and all the headstones have Christmas wreaths on them because it's a national cemetery (military). Someone asked "well I wonder who lays all these wreaths out here." My dad replied, "The Grim Wreather."
We all laughed as my mom hit him on the arm and said he was terrible.
I went to visit my girlfriend's family for dinner tonight. The grandparents are there, parents, grandkids, everyone!
We're all sitting in the living room talking. I turn around and look at a picture on the wall from when the family was in Disney World. I had mentioned I have never been before and the following conversation happened :
Grandmother: What?! I thought everyone had been! We would of taken more trips but he (points to grandfather) is afraid of flying!
Grandfather: My arms get too tired!
Everyone groans and he and I bust up laughing!
He and I are going to get along great!
My great grandfather, grandfather, and dad all have the same name. So of course my dad carried on the family tradition naming me candyman337 IV.
When they told my grandfather he said "Now we've got the terd and the fart" pointing to my dad and then to me.
My mother was not pleased, but my dad was cracking up!
I was helping my grandpa today to plant new grass at the grave site of my great-great-grandfather.
Grandpa: You know, I like this landscaping kind of work. I could work in a cemetery like this.
Me: I don't know. I'd rather work in a livelier profession.
Grandpa: Yeah, but you'd be working with so many people under you!
At a wedding reception where the chocolates on the table were in nice looking package.
While watching a baseball game:
In regards to meatloaf my mother made:
While eating at relatives' house:
In regards to an inappropriately shaped child's toy:
My Dad and I were making a batch of herb roasted nuts for my grandfather which requires meticulously picking apart fresh thyme and rosemary for chopping.
My Dad: the best part is our hands will smell great for the rest of the day!
Me: yeah, we've got too much thyme on our hands!
Dad: Hey! That's my job!
Me: so grandpa how does it feel to be a great grandfather now?
Him: well I always thought I was a good one before.
As soon as my dad sees me after my haircut, he says "Hey, I see you got your ears lowered!" He claims the joke has run in the family as far back as my great-grandfather.
My little cousin was playing piano, and after he was done my grandfather said, "that was great. I remember I used to play piano; I could play by ear... But then my ear got tired"
Dad's: "I'll have Marlboro reds in a box."
I begin to scan the cigarette dispensers with a concerned face. Moving my hands across the different packs I say,
"Sure you don't want them in a jar? Or how about Tupperware?"
If it makes dad's groan, I'll probably make a great grandfather.
About two years ago, my sister got married. After the wedding the photographer said she wanted pictures of my grandfather and sister.
As she was setting up my dad goes to the photographer and says, "guess my fathers age," to which she replies, "hmm..60?" My dad says "70, would you believe it?"
The photographer gasps and says "wow! 70? Those are some great genes you have." In which my father says, "huh? Genes? I'm wearing dress pants, it's a wedding," rolls his eyes, and walks off.