No one crosses me and lives
My mother FaceTimed me so I could show her my sister and her baby
I went into my sister's room and said, "Hey mom wants to see you. Can you say a quick hello?"
Sister: Sure but just for a minute, I'm exhausted.
BIL, without dropping a beat: Hi exhausted, I'm a new dad!
Old but gold
Pack-age.
I think it’s the Howie Mandela effect.
My son: “the parking lot”
But I said he was somebody I used to know.
Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
He said it felt really apalling
...it’s always going to be okay...
“Oh! Bee hive!”
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.
MOM: Oh my! Who!?
DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?
MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
DAD: No, it was with a knife...
I'm sure I never met herbivore.
When I asked her about it she said, "Yeah, I'm a tea-se."
I woke exhausted
Legen-dairy.
Was on a family vacation to the beach and my sister, mom, dad and I were all in a local Ben and Jerry's getting some ice cream. Well the guy in front of us definitely had the Donald Trump hair going on and we all noticed. Out of nowhere, my dad turns around with a straight face and says,
"I'll pay for the ice cream this time, but you toupee next time."
I couldn't help but laugh and my mother had to walk out of the parlor. These comments are the reason why my father is my best friend
GF: "I went shopping for bras (again). I think I have an addiction."
Me: "So...does that mean that you need to join a SUPPORT group?"
Her: "This costume is my first choice. But I got this sexy Bee costume just in case the other one doesn't look right"
Me: "So would you say that your back-up costume is your plan Bee?"
I was in the back seat of the family car drinking a coke, when we hit a bump in the road and I coughed.
Coke spurts out of my nose. Carbonated beverages do not feel pleasant when they spurt out of your nose, and I screamed to my Dad in the front passenger seat what had happened.
"Well, what did you expect? You're supposed to snort Coke".
Me and my dad were going to buy fireworks for new years. The line is pretty long, and it takes ages to deliver the fireworks, and I burst out:
"How hard can this be? It's not like it's rocket science!"
My dad wasn't the only one who laughed.
Dad: "There are 2 guys on a boat: Pete and RePete. Pete falls into the water, who's left on the boat?"
Young me: "RePete"
Dad: "There are 2 guys on a boat: Pete and RePete. Pete falls into the water, who's left on the boat?"
Young me: "RePete"
rePete until groans become deafening
So I am speaking with my parents about my younger brother, who is acting different to my dad. My mom said "[Brother] is just talking to your dad like this because he is going through puberty.". My dad quips in with "No I'm not, I went through puberty a long time ago."
It was a few weeks before Christmas and my grandma was about to leave Grandma: So when is Christmas this year(implying day of the week) Dad: December 25th Everyone:confused silence and groans
Used to be on ITV if my memory serves me correctly. One of the pieces involved going up to random shoppers at the mall and trying to get them to eat sheep testicles. The host approached a foreign looking chap and asked "are you peckish?" to which he answered "no, I'm Turkish".
What'd the Daddy bullet say to the Momma bullet?
Lets make a BB.
it was at a festival.
Me: Are you going to try the curry?
Friend: Not sure.
Me: Ah, go on [goan].
Then later, we were talking abotuthe curries again at the end of the day.
Friend: What's this about the curry people?
Friend: Are they goan?
Me: No, I think they're here for the duration.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
My contrary Aunt Margaret drowned recently. They found her upstream.
Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
