I was offered to have a street named after me, but I said no because I remembered

No one crosses me and lives

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/OldHamToasty
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 08 2021
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Just remembered a classic my brother-in-law dropped after my niece was born (A couple months ago)

My mother FaceTimed me so I could show her my sister and her baby

I went into my sister's room and said, "Hey mom wants to see you. Can you say a quick hello?"

Sister: Sure but just for a minute, I'm exhausted.

BIL, without dropping a beat: Hi exhausted, I'm a new dad!

Old but gold

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/miserablefrosting
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 28 2021
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This pandemic will most likely be remembered as the....

Pack-age.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/SleepOrderDis
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 17 2021
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I remembered my joke being much funnier than it was.

I think it’s the Howie Mandela effect.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/banditk77
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 14 2021
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Last night when exiting Disney, I asked my group if anyone remembered where we parked.

My son: β€œthe parking lot”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 10 2021
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My daughter asked if I remembered β€˜Gotye’.

But I said he was somebody I used to know.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 14
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/longestyeahboiiyet
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 15 2020
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My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.

Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 24
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VVIIVVI
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 02 2020
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My buddy was rushed into the hospital after showing decorticate posturing. He woke up and I asked him if he remembered anything.

He said it felt really apalling

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Onechordbassist
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 02 2020
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I just accidentally super-glued my thumb and index finger together!! At first, I started to panic, but then I remembered that...

...it’s always going to be okay...

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 16 2020
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What did Austin Powers say when he suddenly remembered where bees put their honey?

β€œOh! Bee hive!”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/memphishayes
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 06 2020
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I remembered dad jokes were a thing. Here have one.

DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?

DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?

MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????

DAD: No, it was with a knife...

πŸ‘οΈŽ 75
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Xavier_potato
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 28 2019
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This lady just walked up to me, asked if I remembered meeting her and oddly she commented on being a vegetarian.

I'm sure I never met herbivore.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/BALTIM0RE
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 30 2019
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True story: My wife offered to make me tea and 1 hour later I remembered that she still hadn't made it....

When I asked her about it she said, "Yeah, I'm a tea-se."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Dr_Nik
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 25 2019
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Wow, I just remembered that there are so many more countries in Oceania than just Australia. I can't believe I suffered from Indamnesia
πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Adam-P-D
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 05 2019
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I just remembered a dream I had last night how I was a muffler

I woke exhausted

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Privilege2016
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 12 2019
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I was going through my twitter account, and remembered I write puns when I have writer’s block. Hopefully this counts.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Otto-Erotic
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 16 2018
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What do you call a cow who performs feats so amazing they will be remembered for generations?

Legen-dairy.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Torley_
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 29 2018
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Remembered this from when I was younger

Was on a family vacation to the beach and my sister, mom, dad and I were all in a local Ben and Jerry's getting some ice cream. Well the guy in front of us definitely had the Donald Trump hair going on and we all noticed. Out of nowhere, my dad turns around with a straight face and says,

"I'll pay for the ice cream this time, but you toupee next time."

I couldn't help but laugh and my mother had to walk out of the parlor. These comments are the reason why my father is my best friend

πŸ‘οΈŽ 166
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/That_Guy_Behind_You
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 11 2016
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Finally got one that I remembered to post! LT/FT

GF: "I went shopping for bras (again). I think I have an addiction."

Me: "So...does that mean that you need to join a SUPPORT group?"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 94
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/FuriousRod
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 06 2015
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[Remembered a gem from last year] Wife brought home a couple of Halloween costume options last year...

Her: "This costume is my first choice. But I got this sexy Bee costume just in case the other one doesn't look right"

Me: "So would you say that your back-up costume is your plan Bee?"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/NoOneEverPaysMeInGum
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 20 2018
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I'd rather be remembered than dismembered.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/smallpoly
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 01 2017
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Remembered one from when I was a teenager

I was in the back seat of the family car drinking a coke, when we hit a bump in the road and I coughed.

Coke spurts out of my nose. Carbonated beverages do not feel pleasant when they spurt out of your nose, and I screamed to my Dad in the front passenger seat what had happened.

"Well, what did you expect? You're supposed to snort Coke".

πŸ‘οΈŽ 19
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ixplosiown
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 23 2016
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Remembered this one from around New Years

Me and my dad were going to buy fireworks for new years. The line is pretty long, and it takes ages to deliver the fireworks, and I burst out:

"How hard can this be? It's not like it's rocket science!"

My dad wasn't the only one who laughed.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Bmandk
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 24 2016
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Just remembered one my dad used to tell when I was little...

Dad: "There are 2 guys on a boat: Pete and RePete. Pete falls into the water, who's left on the boat?"

Young me: "RePete"

Dad: "There are 2 guys on a boat: Pete and RePete. Pete falls into the water, who's left on the boat?"

Young me: "RePete"

rePete until groans become deafening

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ItsameLuigi1018
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 20 2015
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Just remembered this one from several years ago.

So I am speaking with my parents about my younger brother, who is acting different to my dad. My mom said "[Brother] is just talking to your dad like this because he is going through puberty.". My dad quips in with "No I'm not, I went through puberty a long time ago."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Mercinary909
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 31 2015
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I recently remembered this bomb my dad dropped a few months ago

It was a few weeks before Christmas and my grandma was about to leave Grandma: So when is Christmas this year(implying day of the week) Dad: December 25th Everyone:confused silence and groans

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/dfretyhg
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 20 2014
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Just remembered one from "Don't Try This at Home" in 1998.

Used to be on ITV if my memory serves me correctly. One of the pieces involved going up to random shoppers at the mall and trying to get them to eat sheep testicles. The host approached a foreign looking chap and asked "are you peckish?" to which he answered "no, I'm Turkish".

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/CradlePouncer
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 16 2014
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A joke from my Dad I just remembered from when I was seven.

What'd the Daddy bullet say to the Momma bullet?

Lets make a BB.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/CoxyMcChunk
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 20 2014
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Just remembered being at a Goan fish curry stall once...

it was at a festival.

Me: Are you going to try the curry?

Friend: Not sure.

Me: Ah, go on [goan].

Then later, we were talking abotuthe curries again at the end of the day.

Friend: What's this about the curry people?

Friend: Are they goan?

Me: No, I think they're here for the duration.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/JEZTURNER
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 01 2014
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My dad was a radio host remembered best for his wit. Thought I'd share a couple jokes he told on air.

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

My contrary Aunt Margaret drowned recently. They found her upstream.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/WhiskeyintheWarRoom
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 01 2014
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My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.

Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 376
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ntuso
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 07 2020
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My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.

Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/RobRoy333
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 01 2019
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My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.

Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 28
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/sgav
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 30 2019
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My wife is so negative, I remembered the car seat, the stroller and the diapar bag and yet all she talks about is how I forgot the baby
πŸ‘οΈŽ 33
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/wordyshelf46
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 23 2018
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