True story: As kids, my sister and I were fighting over the TV remote and it got heated. The remote flew across the room and a couple AAA batteries fell out. My sister threw one at me, and I grabbed a nearby salt shaker and threw it at her.
My mother, who was watching this go down, just laughs and says, "Assault and battery!"
She then left the room, cackling.
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︎ Mar 07 2021
The man was finally about to escape prison when he realised he forgot something. He ran back and grabbed acne cream. Why?
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︎ Nov 02 2020
I saw a magistrate reading a novel, so I grabbed it and put it over his face.
He got very angry!!!
You shouldn't cover a judge by his book.
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︎ Nov 19 2020
My girlfriend grabbed a hand full of coins and slapped me in the face.
About time she slapped some cents into me.
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︎ Jun 21 2020
The baby sheep got out of their pen and I impulsively grabbed a sheep with my right hand and a sheep with my left...
I guess I'm just lambidextrous...
I'll show y'all to the door.
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︎ Sep 09 2020
Someone ran by and grabbed all of our masks right off our faces.
It was a de-mask-us steal.
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︎ Jun 14 2020
We have a magnetic alphabet on our fridge. The other day my daughter grabbed the letter T and put it in her in milk.
She looked at me and said, โIโm having a T party.โ
I chortled.
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︎ Jun 26 2020
I once grabbed a slippery soap...
It got out of hand pretty quickly
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︎ Jan 20 2019
Did you hear that farmer grabbed the cow's udder?
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︎ Jul 28 2019
I just grabbed a few dead batteries...
They were free of charge!
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︎ Feb 07 2020
I was running down the aisle to grab the last package of toilet paper, but I slipped and fell before someone else grabbed it.
You could say I completely wiped out.
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︎ Mar 22 2020
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine
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︎ Nov 20 2019
My girlfriend got me aroused, then grabbed her stuff and left.
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︎ Sep 19 2019
Today I went to a college visit, and in order to speed up the line for food I just grabbed some butter for my bagel and put it in my pocket
My sister said, oh no, it almost fell out! You butter watch it! ;D
Iโm so proud of her, Iโve raised her well
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︎ Apr 28 2019
It's Taco Night, so on my way home, I grabbed a bag of shredded cheese at the store...
Queso we needed some more.
.
I may have peaked with this one, guys.
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︎ Oct 10 2019
Today I grabbed lunch at this Middle-Eastern food truck.
I was fine earlier, but now I falafel.
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︎ Aug 31 2019
My wife was wanting to throw a shirt into the dryer to get the wrinkles out but she wanted to spray it with water first. She couldnโt find a spray bottle close by so she instead grabbed the iron to spray it... talk about the ultimate irony.
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︎ Apr 07 2019
My wife said "I'm not feeling well." I walked over, gently grabbed her by the arms and said...
"I don't know what you're talking about- you feel just fine to me."
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︎ Mar 02 2017
I grabbed a treebranch and threw it in the air.When it landed it lodged itself into the soil perpendicular to the ground.
I knew it would stick the landing.
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︎ Apr 12 2019
I grabbed a pack of hot dogs while my son and I were at the store..
He said, "We have 10 weiners!" I corrected him and told him, " No, that's only 8." He paused for a few seconds to build up the suspense and says, " I don't know about you, but i have one!"
He's 8.
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︎ Jun 01 2017
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︎ Jun 19 2015
I walked up to my friend Travis and grabbed his T-shirt. "Know what this is?"
Him: "No..."
Me: "A travesty."
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︎ Apr 05 2014
My dad grabbed a milk carton...
And waved it around his head, saying "What's this?"
We all looked at him confused, until he said:
"It's past-your-eyes milk!"
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︎ Oct 31 2016
My wife grabbed my butt this morning as she went out the door announcing, "I'll be back, I'm going to check the mail."
"I think you already did!" I replied.
Does it count if my little kids didn't get it?
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︎ Jan 25 2017
The man was finally about to escape prison when he realised he forgot something. He ran back and grabbed acne cream. Why?
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︎ Oct 28 2020
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