Heโs a terrible person, but heโs a good egg
There's no place like home for the hollandaise.
You're Egg-Shell-Ant.
I'm an egg-spert
Mediyolkre
Because I crack myself up.
^(This was preceded by "Morpheus, less for you!")
My son and I love good egg pun Dad jokes. We got it going the other day and my wife rolled her eyes. He asked her, "which joke didn't you like?"
She replied "all ovum"
sวสoษพpษp/ษน
You get a Sheeporghini and a Ramborghini to fall in love.
My 12-year-old daughter and I came up with this one together.
A mathemachicken
It becomes egg sighted
How dairy
As love means nothing to them
Today I have outdone myself. When asking my sister how her day went, she said that she learned how to cook an omelet today and she said she did really well on it. I then said "next time, omelet you cook breakfast." I swear the look of disgust on her face could turn milk sour, and I couldn't be any prouder of myself.
"Let me show you how to make an egg roll, son."
Picks an egg
"Take an egg, put it on the table, and just push it!"
โGood thing youโre not an egg!โ
Me: Meet me at Mo's Egg House at 8AM. The rental place opens at 9AM and we can get some breakfast. Boyfriend: I know eggsactly where that is.
It's nice to know if they get married and have kids my grandchildren will be in good hands.
... he was single and treated himself to a nice evening. Next to his table sat this gorgeus woman. Red hairs, curvy body, green eyes and the most beautiful smile he has ever seen.
He thought about how he could approach her, but just couldn't figure out a good way. Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye came flying out straight at him. He jumped up and caught it before it hit the ground. They started to talk, one thing lead to the next and they ended up at her place.
A night of sexytime followed, and the next morning he woke up to the smell of fresh toast, eggs and coffee. She awaited him in the kitchen with a great big breakfast.
"No woman has ever treated me so nice.", he said, "You are just perfect. Do you do this for every man you meet?"
"No.", she replied....
"but you just happened to catch my eye."
They're prone to quacking.
One unhatched chick turns to another one that's hatching and says, "Egg-scuse me, omelette you finish, but have you heard any good yolks lately that might crack me up?"
Wife finally agreed to cook breakfast and asked "What kind of eggs do you want?" (How do I want them cooked?).
After pondering for a moment I responded: "I think Chicken eggs today".
By that time she was slicing a bagel with a knife and with a furrowed brow made threatening motions toward me with the knife... :-D
My boss is a good guy and a good boss, but he always says the same 5 or so jokes (he has two young kids). Anytime he pulls up to a job that we've been working on its "you aren't done yet?" or its "great job, but why are they upside down". Every time someone walks up to a job they get a loud "shhhh, here they come". I can go on and on, he has comedy routines for almost every situation.
So that's what I have to deal with.
Last weekend he took a mini-vacation, and brought me back a bottle of hot sauce (I'm something of a heatseeker) and the bottle was layer with all sorts of sexual innuendo that it'll get you hard and great at sex.
The other day I send him a text message around lunch time that only said "I have to go to the emergency room." Not 30 seconds pass and I get a phone call from him.
Boss: "What happened?"
Me: "Well, this morning I put some of that hot sauce you gave me on my eggs, and I've had an erection lasting more than four hours."
Boss: dryly "Ha. Ha. Haaa."
Meanwhile my coworker is dying of laughter and I'm trying to keep it together.
I've told everyone about this the past couple days.
My parents are in town for a visit. Keep in mind that I have a 3 year old, so the dad jokes have doubled around here lately.
We go eat and I'm sharing a big burger with my wife. It has a fried egg on it, which I don't like, so I gave her the half with the yolk in it. She bit into it and the yolk broke and dribbled all over her hand. Before I could say anything, my dad mumbles, "Looks like the yolk's on you".
I said, " NOOOOOOOOO you beat me to it!" as my wife and my mom rolled their eyes and groaned. I'm pretty good at the dad jokes, but my dad has the grandfather buff or something.
As soon as a person walks in and sees this, they would know to expect good luck and fortune from the owner of the house and the whole family, but only if all of the chicks hatch and are all healthy. Every time you left a house, it was considered good luck to look at the hen, and wish it well to have all of its chicks born happy, healthy, and for the hen to live a long life. This is why they call it an egg-sit!!!
Everyone was commenting on how good the poached eggs were, and with a dead straight face I say:
"Yeah, poached eggs used to be so popular until they nearly went extinct... Thank god for scrambled."
Dad jokes always break the ice.
Long post is long:
Her: Remember dad's tomato bushes? Well they're attacking! At least one is leaning across the path trying to get at my window... We had the war of the roses, now its time for the attack of the tomatoes!
Me: I don't remember anything about tomato bushes. From one battle to the next.
Her: Yep! Lookout tomatoes here comes the chutney recipe!
Me: I can just imagine a cucumber campaign. Operation onion would be next, which will fail, causing everyone to cry. Dill Day follows, a great success for the allied gardeners. All too soon though, the kamikaze carrots set in, utterly ruining the radish raid. The mushroom maneuver is employed, saving the troops, allowing them to deal the final blow in the asparagus assault!
Her: Don't forget the pumpkins want to supply ground cover with heavy support...
Me: Ah yes, the pumpkin paratroopers.
Her: Thyme is running out...
Me: Prepare the beetroot bombs!!!
Her: Aim for Potato Garden!
Me: Fire the capsicum! Deploy the celery team!
Her: Bring in the egg plant division to support the capsicum!
Me: This is it boys, life or dirt! I want a passionfruit unit to find us a vantage point, and the strawberry unit to surround them!
Her: We had better bring the lettuce up to date!
Me: The cabbage are under withering fire, we need support from the raspberry division! The potatoes are mashed, so well need to send the zucchini in their place!
Her: The zucchini can't take that heavy fire, they'll be grated. Send spinach for some extra iron. The sweet potatoes are digging in at the ridge.
Me: Prepare the watermelon bomb, we need to finish this! The eggplant were squashed, deploy the broccoli brigade! The beans need to get out of there, or they'll be split!
Her: Cauliflowers are going in to retrieve the beans. How brave to risk their florets!
The corn commandos are deployed, but the artichokes are all out of heart, we need to boost morale.
Me: The leeks are down! They'll be flattened if we don't do something!
Are the spinach still operational?
Her: Too bad the pepper isn't on our side, they're well seasoned troops.
Spinach is a go!
Nothing has touched it...
Me: But wait! We still have the chillies to give them heavy fire!
Her: And the squashes and peas!
Me: The ginger is holding it's ground, but it's being cut down by the pineapple!
The basil should make things interesting, send them to aid the potatoes.
**Her:
... keep reading on reddit โกI (husband) am good at making egg dishes for breakfast. Me and the wifey were talking about the first time I met her family, when I made them an omelette with goat cheese and spinach. They were all very impressed.
Wifey: "My parents never cooked like that when I was growing up. For them, it was just egg on the pan, egg on the plate."
Me: "I can see how that would be unpleasant, especially if they didn't crack the shells first."
I was flipping the eggs, and he came in, and in his most obnoxious voice said "you must be part dolphin, cause you're a good flipper"
My dad made fried eggs for brunch/lunch. He said "You can't beat a good fried egg."
I replied "Well, no. If you beat it, it would be scrambled."
Cue my grandpa laughing
I ordered steak and eggs, medium steak and eggs over-easy. She replies, "well that's easy....I guess you could say overeasy!"
Good chuckle to start my morning.
Mom was in a hurry and said "Wow that was the fastest egg I ever ate."
Dad: "The fastest?! Good thing you caught it!"
Me: Dad how long do you think boiled eggs stay good for?
Dad: Until they become deviled
