I'm making a variety of fish. I'll use the same glaze for most of 'em.

But I'm making a sauce just for the halibut.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HumanAsFarAsIKnow
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2018
🚨︎ report
I never could figure out how they make the glaze on pretzels.

Turns out, there's a very basic solution for that problem.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nuez_jr
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2015
🚨︎ report
What did the dad say as he walked out of the donut shop with a dozen glazed?

Good buy!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/malker84
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My grandad was a Baker before he went into the army, he went in all buns glazing
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shaun_Whiteside
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
🚨︎ report
A confectioner just couldn’t break bad news to anyone

He kept sugarcoating everything

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πŸ‘€︎ u/redbanditttttttt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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I'm opening a dispensary that sells weed and doughnuts

It's called "Glazed and Confused"

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
The Cheerio story

So once upon a time, there was a planet shaped like a cheerio. A small moon made of milk or tied the planet, going through the center of the donut shaped world. On this planet, lived an interesting species. They acted and lived similarly to us humans? But looked just like large Cheerios (with footings hands and feet like miis) Within this society there were levels of Cheerios: original, honey nut, and finally frosted. The originals were the backbone of the economy, doing the herd labor while the honey nuts ran the businesses and the frosted Cheerios (the top of the top) led the world. Our story today focuses on a single Cheerio. Born into an original Cheerio family, this lad learned the hard way how to work. From a young age, he was forced to get a job in the local milk refinery, where his dad worked. He grew up, and soon had a family of his own. His wife, son, and daughter all worked hard, but were happy. One day walking home from school, the kids found a runaway honey nut Cheerio pup, and decided to keep him. It wasn’t much, but it inspired our little Cheerio friend here. One day, he got fed up with taking orders, and demanded a raise. His entire family has worked in this one factory for three generations, and he wanted to move up in the world, not just for him but also his kids. His old boss however, did not have the power to promote this Cheerio, and he was forced to make a life changing decision: he would go to the refinery company and use every penny in the family savings account (under the bed) to try and get a higher position. After waiting on line for over a week, his appoint was finally here. After bickering and bargaining for hours, the refinery company boss saw a spark in this lad’s eye. He agreed to give this Cheerio a promotion to the honored honey nut glaze in exchange for everything this man owned, including the family’s prized honey nut dog. Was it worth it? Well pretty soon he owned his own milk refinery and was able to breed his own honey nut dogs, so yes, yes it was. Owning and operating the refinery went smoothly. Milk was transported from the moon to the planet using space busses, and the milk itself was funneled down to the refineries using large straws. After the milk was ready to drink, it was shipped off to be sold. He was happy working here, but eventually he realized it wasn’t enough. This Cheerio, once a simple original Cheerio wanted to follow the β€œAmerican dream” and do the best he could. He wanted to become a frosted Ch

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jackcrackaman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you see the movie about the cinnamon roll?

It had a big twist

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/me-no-smart
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2019
🚨︎ report
I eat a donut every day.

But slowly I’m getting tired of the hole thing.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2018
🚨︎ report
Brainstorming food/movie theme nights. It es-kale-lated quickly. Only thing in my Bumble profile now.

When Harry Met Salad

What About Ke-Bob

Cumin to America

Weekend at Bearneaise II

Steakin I, II, & III

A Few Good Salmon

You’ve Got Kale

Shawshank Re-Dim Sum

Romancing the Scone

An Γ‰clair to Remember

Roman Hollandaise

Glazed and Confused

Bill & Ted’s Eggcellent Adventure

The Evil Bread

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang Shrimp

Fondue the Right Thing

Ribeyes Wide Shut

Mignons

Plante of the Grapes

Spider Manchu

Sushis All That

A Wok to Remember

Marsala-la Land

Apocalypse Cow

Die Chard

Die Chard with a Vinaigrette

Hogan’s Gyros

The Sand Latkes

A League of their Macaroni

Revenge of the Curds

Rush S’More

Braising Arizona

Demolition Ham

10 Things I hate About Ewe

Saladin

Oliver and Com-penne

Dirty Rotten Chanterelles

Sex and the Satay

The Truth About Cats & Hotdogs

Morella Enchanted

Provolone Together

Clear and Pheasant Danger

The Big Chili

LΓ©mon: The Professional

Ava-Tartare

Hocous Pocous

High Fi-Deli Meat

Madagascargot

The Fifth Elementos

Muensters Inc.

There’s Something About Rosemary

I Am Ham

Quiche Lorraine Man

Barley & Me

Lentil Giants

Peggy SoufflΓ© Got Married

Face Stroganoff

Con GruyΓ©re

Fast Times at Porridgemont High

Bok Choys in the Hood

Papillonion

Requinoa for a Dream

Serial Cardamom

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kat_fogg
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I was practically in a coma last night after eating a boatload of doughnuts for Father’s Day.

I went out with a glaze of glory.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2018
🚨︎ report
Today someone accidentally dropped donuts on me. They asked if I was ok.

I immediately responded, "I'm all right, they just glazed me"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/armyjackson
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2017
🚨︎ report
Have you been eating donuts and driving?

Your eyes look glazed.

πŸ‘︎ 108
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZombieMolester
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2016
🚨︎ report
My first dad joke worthy of this subreddit.

For our three year anniversary, the girlfriend decided we should go to this craftstore and paint/glaze some art in a kiln to remember this anniversary. I reluctantly agreed.

We start browsing the examples of what other people had done and we see a mugs painted like flowers, minions, and one painted as Harry Potter.

At which I said, "Oh look. Harry Pottery."

The laugh I got out of the worker made the trip worth it. The girlfriend was just embarrassed. I was proud.

πŸ‘︎ 89
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LADeviation
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2015
🚨︎ report
My dad just hit me with this one

When Bruce Springsteen went to a Polynesian restaurant and was served blue tang baked in a delicious lightly caramelized sauce, what song did he write about it?

Dory Glaze

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rekkashien
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2017
🚨︎ report
Got my wife while cooking dinner tonight.

So tonight for dinner, I made a glazed ham. I've been a cook for a few years, so time at home with the wife and kids to cook a good meal is rare.

Well, my wife comes in the kitchen and asks me if I'm going to score the ham (For those unaware, it means to cut lines in it, in order for the glaze to get into the ham and keep it moist while cooking.)

I nodded, picked up my knife, stood over the ham, and as I'm about to cut into it, I yell, "7.5, too much water." Then set the knife down and grinned.

She groaned something fierce, but still loved the dinner.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bytmyshnymtlazz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2016
🚨︎ report
My grandfather was a baker in the army.

He went in all buns glazing.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/keithasaurus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2018
🚨︎ report
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
🚨︎ report
My Grandfather was a baker in the Army

He went in all buns glazing

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Martys_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2018
🚨︎ report
My grandad was a baker in the army

He went in all buns glazing

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sweaty_Bollocks
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2018
🚨︎ report
According to science, the world's funniest joke, is really a Dad Joke

Here is the joke: Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed, so his friend calls 911. β€˜My friend is dead! What should I do?’ The operator replies, β€˜Calm down, sir. I can help. First make sure that he’s dead.’ There’s a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, β€˜Ok, now what?’”

Here is the article to back it up: http://www.urbo.com/content/the-worlds-funniest-joke-according-to-science

Insert Mic Drop

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dkunze
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2018
🚨︎ report

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