As the cop knocked on my door, I just stayed in complete silence. He then knocked again. Determined not to give myself away, I just stayed still.
Cop: "Do you think I am stupid ? I can see you through the window."
Mee: "You are not coming in."
Cop: "I don't want to come in. I want you to step out of your car !!"
Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!?" I always thought they were going to hit me...
...not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.
When life gives you melons...
What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?
I’ve always wanted to tap my neighbors’ maple tree, but he wouldn’t give me permission.
Think I could do it syruptitiously?
Which alcoholic drink can give you the illusion that you're hurt?
My wife said "I look fat, give me a compliment"
I said "you got perfect eyesight."
Can anybody give me some advice to help me removing ice from my windshield? I just tried with a discount card I had In my pocket
My wife gives the best handjobs....
Infact, she won the Pullitsurprise.
I asked my wife, “Did you know there’s a fruit that gives you your entire potassium requirement for the day?”
My wife: That’s bananas.
Me: I know, I couldn’t believe it either.
Give me an example of DC motor.
Every day I come home and ask my dog how his day was, and every day he always gives the same answer...
Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.
He’s my spirit guide.
Edit: Thanks guys.
Give me your best duck puns
I live for them, they quack me up. Give me what y'all got >:)
In light of his record with these mega-projects, Elon Musk's proposed new Miami-tunnel gives new meaning to the term
"car-pool tunnel syndrome."
My church gives away pointy flags to those who ask forgiveness from a priest...
You should go there if you seek pennants.
What's the Kraken gonna give you that'll make you laugh uncontrollably?
Good advice is something a person gives....
......when they are too old to set a bad example.
Why did the priest give massages to all the corpses he prayed over?
Because he was also a neck-romancer.
What happens when you give the Devil two eyes and turn him around?
He becomes Livid.
I'll see myself out now.
Little Johnny has diarrhoea and asks his mom, "Hey mom, do you have Viagra?" The mom goes, "What? What on Earth do you need that for?" "Well, isn't that what you give dad when his shit doesn't get hard?"
What should you do if life gives you melons?
9 months from now, there will be a baby boom. 13 years later, will give rise to the next generation, known as....
What do you call it when a Gun gives birth to a Monkey
A Chimp off the old Glock
today is my first cake day so I decided to give you guys a joke
What do you call an Irishman bouncing off the walls?
Rick O Shea
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
Given that a case of the sniffles means staying home from school, we give my daughter a daily allergy medicine. My wife was giving her breakfast before school, and when I walked out, I asked if she’d had her medicine yet.
My daughter said yes, and I replied, “So you’re de-Claritin that you’ve had it already?”
Tell your kids to give grandpa his glasses back
They really need to learn to re-spec their elders
why don't oysters give to charity?
because they're shellfish
When Scooby Doo gives you a hickey
Dad working on car: “give me that thingamajig...the doohickey”
Daughter: “SCOOBY DOO didn’t GIVE ME A HICKEY”
Ps, it was much funnier in my head and when I came up with it and told my girlfriend. I didn’t know how to put it in words so it sucks.
Give man a match and you'll keep him warm for a minute.
Set man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
They tried to give my cat an award for his butt
What type of flowers do sailors give on Valentine’s Day?
Found this on r/cursedcomments - the post (by u/Atom596 ) was removed for some reason so I couldn't crosspost but wanted to give the op credit
Hey did you ever hear about the psychic that only gives you good news?
What does Mission Impossible's star give when he f**ks up?
If you give a man named Rick a pat on the back
Why did Bilbo Baggins not want to give up the ring?
It was a force of hobbit.
Why did the man give his wife a box of Super Poli-Grip after their fight?
Because it's a great fix-a-tiff.
Why don’t crabs give to charity?
Because they are shellfish
A bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a rum..............and coke."
"Why the big pause?" asks the bartender. The bear shrugged, "I'm not sure, I was born with them"
what do you call a tree that will never give you up, never let you down, never gonna run around and desert you?
She gives birth at the hospital entrance.
When life gives you melons
When life gives you melons
Every day I come home and ask my dog how his day was, and every day he always gives the same answer...
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
