Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.
He’s my spirit guide.
Edit: Thanks guys.
Given that a case of the sniffles means staying home from school, we give my daughter a daily allergy medicine. My wife was giving her breakfast before school, and when I walked out, I asked if she’d had her medicine yet.
My daughter said yes, and I replied, “So you’re de-Claritin that you’ve had it already?”
I give out drivers licenses for snow plows
My boss asked me, "Why do you come out in rashes every time I give you your wages ?"
I said, "Because I am allergic to peanuts."
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!”
The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!"
I just want to give a shout out to sidewalks
For keeping me off the streets
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Autocorrect screws up so much, I'm just fresh out of ducks to give.
What type of baseball player gives out all the water?
can we give a shout out to sidewalks?
Cuz' they really helped to keep me off the streets
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you shit faced.”
I give these puns a canine out of 10
What do you call an adventurer that gives out money?
Indiana Loans.
#10 year-old joke
I wanna give a shout out to my fingers...
...I can always count on them!
What do you call a Moose who doesn’t give out his name?
I went out for Chinese, but had an accident on the way. When I finally made it home, I realized they didn't give me any soy sauce.
They really know how to Kikkoman when he's down.
If you see a chick changing out the locks or cleaning out the pool at an apartment complex, NEVER give her a joint.
Nobody like high maintenance women.
Postmen only give out two types of mail,
What do you call a competition that gives out dead cats as trophies?
A catastrophe (cat-as-trophy).
That was really cold-blooded of Mark Zuckerberg to give out user data.
Time to get rid of lizard on our walls.
When they give out baseball gloves at the stadium, they play some pretty great tunes because...
...there's good rocking at Mitt Night.
We were eating take out and my nana said "They didn't give us a fortune cookie"
I said "that's unfortunate."
Did you hear about the award they give out to people who only use suspenders to keep their pants up?
It's called the No-belt Prize.
My school used to give out wintergreen lifesavers to students taking standardized tests
But gum is our new tester mint.
Why doesn't the Feline Proctology Hospital give out awards?
They don't want to cause a catastrophe.
Why don't teachers give out 'E's in grade school?
Because, they're afraid that if they ran out, they'd be in grad school.
The Queen gives out OBEs to everyone now so this evening I'll be busy, I'm going to tie a rope to her and drag her behind my car...
I'm pulling an all-knighter.
Today I'd like to give a shout-out to my dad and the sidewalk
For keeping me off the streets.
Why do banks give out lollipops?
Because they think we're all suckers.
^^Because ^^you ^^are ^^what ^^you ^^eat...
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!”
The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!"
What do birds give out for Halloween?
What do birds give out on Halloween?
I'd like to give a big shout out to all the sidewalks out there...
... For keeping me off the streets.
I'd like to give a big shout out to all the sidewalks.
For keeping me off the streets
I'd like to give a big shout out to all the sidewalks
For keeping me off the streets
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