It's rubbish. The streets have no name.
That explained the stains next to it.
He had taken out both front tires. When he went inside his house I decided to steal away only one tire, because stealing both would have made me two tired.
I broke the bad news: we only have marmalade in this house.
She yells STAMPEDE!!! And threw a handful of animal crackers at me.
Does it become and Inni?
how low do you have to go to steal a limbo stick?
Seriously, how low can you go?
I call it my Escape room.
Get the kar-ma!
I’ll see myself out.
Like seriously, how low can you go?
How low can you go?
for emergency seat-uations.
It was wrong on so many levels.
Seriously, how low can you go?!
So I'm at a local garage sale, and I can't help myself, I have to look into the free bin.
there, staring back at me was a guitar without any strings on it... and of coarse the dad joke of a lifetime.
A sign that read "free guitar, no strings attached." :D
how low can you go
Son, I'm looking for that tool of mine that makes holes in things. You know, the drill.
She caught my son and me smoking pot in the garage.
Because he always stays in the Lois Lane
Kill me pls
I guess he wanted to turn his firepit into a hotspot.
Not a lot.
Sails have gone through the roof
So I said "I guess I can't turn that down!"
Dad: "No thanks, I don't need another garage."
I just couldn't turn it down
Son: “yes, I have a few”
Me “you do? Where do you buy your underwear?”
After a few second pause, my son says: “Dick’s Supporting Goods”
I mean, how low can you go?
... he had parking sons
Not enough vroom.
Lack of vroom
I told them they would need to move all of the useless junk before I would consider buying it.
It is a close to new, 50” 4K flatscreen, and a woman comes up and asks him “What’s wrong with this TV, to only be selling it for a dollar?”
The man tells her “Well, there’s nothing wrong with the picture, or anything like that, but the volume is stuck on max, and you can’t change it at all. So are you interested in buying it for a dollar?”
She says “Well, you can’t turn that down”.
His name is Alen!
This is truly a watershed moment!
Son: Daddy, what is this? Daddy: It's a flashlight. Son: Yeah, it's not heavy, because its light.
He said "It's too close to home".
You know what they say, one man's thrash is another man's treasure!
He brewed it himself
Oh shit it's coming right at me
Update: I accidentally played dad instead of playing dead and now it can ride a bike
I wonder how much they're charging... I could really use a new garage!
I told her I'd look into it.
The offer was irresistible.
I joked with him about how the boxes are piling up and I need him to cut them up. He lives overseas so he said that if I buy his plane ticket, he'll come and do the work. I told him that my gardener Ebodio will cut the boxes if I ask him to, and much less money. To make my dad feel better, I (half-jokingly) say that Ebodio's technique is not as good and he will be slower, but he'll be a whole lot cheaper.
My dad's response: "I feel like I am being undercut"
I was framed.
It got caught in my hair.
And the older guy I'm with says, " I wonder how much the garage is worth?"
We went to pick up my mom's red Fiat 500, and as we turned right my dad remarked on a green Fiat that passed by us. He said: "I guess that one isn't ripe yet."
Where ya goin' son?
To grab my bag.
The bathroom has more privacy, son.
This is what happens when you retire.
When I told my wife about it later, I told her that I dispatched it, Pink Panther style.
"What does that mean?" she asked me.
I told her that it means that the bug is now a
dead-ant, dead-ant, dead-ant dead-ant dead-ant dead-ant dead-ant ... as sung to the Pink Panther theme.
I was putting my daughter in the car, which was temporarily preventing a lady from entering hers. She smiled and told me not to hurry; that she was patient. I said to her, "Well this is 'patient' parking...
She politely laughed and my wife gave me a healthy eye roll once in the car.
I replied, you won't get very far in the garage
Dad: We better turn off the fan, or we'll all get exhausted.
There was a pile of clothes with tags on and the sign, "Never been worn"
Next to it was a stack of tupperware with the sign, "Never been used"
Finally there was a painting with its own sign - "Never been looked at"
Dad: We need 10W-30 oil for the lawnmower but it looks like we only have 10W-40. We'll try it, though.
Me: What's the difference?
Dad: Oh, about ten. Hehe.
Had a perfect opportunity to tell a dad joke at work today.
There was a "garage sale" to clear out old stock of company branded clothing. I walked in, intending to buy a shirt or jacket. When I saw the table, which was almost empty I said,
"I understand you're selling garages. I need a new one, and would like to purchase your finest garage."
The person manning the table replied back,
"Oh, I'm sorry. But we're all sold out."
I threw up my arms and said "WELL that's false advertising! You shouldn't advertise garages for sale if you don't have any!"
and I walked out of the room and went back to work.
I told her we weren't in the market for a big garage.
But don't worry, our garage isn't for sale. The house has grown pretty attached to it.
Me: Hey, look! A garage sale!
My dad: Sorry, we can't fit a garage in the car.
Wife: "They think slapping a coat of red paint is gonna get $250 for that thing?"
Me: "Maybe they're gonna try passing it off as a period piece."
Father in law is currently over for a coffee. My wife went for a walk this morning and was telling him about a garage sale she saw:
"dad I walked past a garage sale today and-"
"you don't need to go to a garage sale you've got one already!"
She didn't get it but I totally exhaled from my nose.
when I got there they only had one left but refused to sell it to me!
...and my little brother from the back seat says,
Brother: we just made four right turns in a row.
Dad: it's a good thing we haven't made any wrong turns yet.
Seriously... How low can you go?
Seriously, how low can you go?