Iโ€™m representing a man in court today charged with tippexing all the full stops out of books.

Iโ€™m expecting a long sentence

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jepeggys
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
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Is it the position of the full stop or going to prison is better than marriage?
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/star72846
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
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I was arrested by the grammar police for not using the full stop correctly.

Iโ€™m now looking at a long sentence.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 17 2018
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A semicolon got arrested

It got 2 back to back sentences.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/streamerbanana
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 26
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TIL about a truck full of antelopes that stopped suddenly on the freeway and caused a 15 car pile up.

it was braking gnus.

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๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
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We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/communist_scumbag
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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People that are constipated

Stop lying, your full of crap

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/IamGrooot77
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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Sorry if this breaks the rules but, please cheer up my dad! He's a punctuation expert who is recovering from surgery. He just had half of his lower digestive system removed. It would really cheer him up if you could comment with his favorite punctuation mark:

;

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/edhere
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 25 2017
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevorโ€™s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevorsโ€™s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevorโ€™s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasnโ€™t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

โ€œWellโ€ said Jeff, โ€œAs Iโ€™m sure you know the convention comes to town laterโ€.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

โ€œYes of courseโ€ replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ShredderSte
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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In the old Wild West there was a notorious gang of dangerous outlaws, theyโ€™d just attacked a town.

The sheriff decided that he needed to stop them so he rounded up his deputies and they rode out in search of the gang.

After a couple of days everyone was tired and hungry so one of the deputies rode up to sheriff and said โ€œLook sheriff we are all too tired, why donโ€™t you guys rest up here and Iโ€™ll ride 4 miles north and two miles east and see if I canโ€™t find us some grub?, Iโ€™ll be back by morningโ€

The sheriff agrees and off the deputy rides 4 miles north and two miles east.

The next morning the deputy returns with all his packs full of bacon! The sheriff says โ€œwhere the hell did you get all that bacon out here in the middle of nowhere!โ€

Deputy says โ€œwell you see sheriff I rode 4 miles north and 2 miles east and I swear to god thereโ€™s this bacon tree just sitting there! A tree that is full of bacon!โ€

โ€œBullshit!โ€ Says the sheriff โ€œyou stay here Iโ€™m going to check this out!โ€

So off the sheriff rides the same as the deputy did.

The next morning the deputy seeโ€™s the sheriff crawling towards the camp with arrows sticking out of his back.

Deputy says to the sheriff โ€œ Boss what the hell happened!โ€

The sheriff looks up from the ground and says โ€œBACON TREE, BACON TREE, that wasnโ€™t a damn bacon tree you idiot it was a Hambush!โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FleetChief
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
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A navy recruit has his first day on a submarine

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your postย to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes."

The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.

"Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters."

The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.

"Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!"

The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Anthonybrose
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
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A Motivational speaker talked about his father that died after having a coma.

I blurted out " i guess that comma became a full stop" My friends all laughed Not the teachers though.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DarenCasseroles
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
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Poor little bunny

A doctor is driving home one night along a lonely road when a rabbit suddenly bolted in front of his car. The doctor swerved and tried his best to stop, but it wasn't possible and the car hit the bunny.

He immediately pulled the car to the side of the road and got out to see if he could help the poor bunny. It didn't look good. He raced back to the car to retrieve his bag, but realized almost instantly that he was driving his wife's car and so his bag wouldn't be there.

He frantically rooted through the glovebox, trying to find gauze or water - anything that could be useful. He found a bottle of what he expected was water and brought it back to where the bunny was laying. With great care, he poured a cap full and let the bunny drink.

To the doctor's amazement, the rabbit sprang back to life - jumping up on his hind legs and wiggling his tail. He smiled at the doctor and waved as he began to prance back toward the woods. He hopped a couple of feet, paused, turned and waved again. Hopped another few feet, turned and waved yet again. He reached the edge of the trees and again, he turned and waved at the doctor.

Stunned, the doctor brought the bottle up to the light to see what magic potion he had discovered. Squinting his eyes, he read the label aloud, "Hair restorer with permanent wave".

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/timthedriller
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 12 2020
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Two friends Bob and Frank are lost in the jungle when they are surrounded by a group of blood thirsty cannibals.

They are surrounded by dozens of the fierce blood thirsty warriors armed with clubs and spears. The leader of the warriors approaches the two friends and informs them they are trespassing on sacred land and unless they can prove they are descendants of the Gods they will be killed and eaten.

Bob and Frank realize they have little choice but agree they will attempt any test to try to save their lives.

The chief warrior brings them a bowl full of angry fire ants and drops one small seed into the bowl. He informs them they must put their lips in the bowl and suck as hard as they can. If they manage to suck up only the seed without sucking up an ant then the tribe would know they must be sent from the Gods.

Bob looks wearily at Frank but knowing they have no other options he puts his lips in the bowl and sucks hard. He immediately gets a mouth full of ants and screams in pain as they bite away at the inside of his mouth. Frank now even more nervous takes his turn and to his dismay also receives a nasty mouthful of the viscous buggers.

The warriors leap to their feet and surround the friends, โ€œNow you must dieโ€ declares the chieftain. Just as the first spear is raised to Franks throat he screams โ€œTria-Gan!โ€ The warriors stop dead in their tracks. โ€œWhat did you sayโ€ asked the chief. โ€œTria-Ganโ€ yelled frank again. Immediately the chief and his warriors turned and fled into the forest.

โ€œHoly shitโ€ said Bob โ€œWhat did you just say and how did you know it would work?โ€

โ€œWellโ€ said Frank, โ€œmy Mother always told me if at first you donโ€™t suck seed try Tria-Gan.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/usernamemispeled
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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What does A&W stand for?

Amburgers & Wootbeer.

Full disclosure I hear this joke on "Stop Podcasting Yourself" all the time and it makes me laugh everytime.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/armoreddillo
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
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Who played for the the Wallabies and the Kangaroos in the same year?

The army band.

(Full credit to the elderly gentleman who approached me at the bus stop and shared this beauty).

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/drozzi007
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
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Science Puns

One of the funniest school puns; science puns

Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium? It went OK. If the Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up, theyโ€™d be alloys.


The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty. The chemist sees the glass completely full, half with liquid and half with air.


If youโ€™re not part of the solution, youโ€™re part of the precipitate.


A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. He says, โ€œNo, Iโ€™m traveling light.โ€


Did you just mutate for a stop codon? Because youโ€™re talking nonsense!


How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.


What did Gregor Mendel say when he founded genetics? Woopea!


Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? Heโ€™s 0K now.


I wish I was adenine, then, I could get paired with U.


Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na


Two chemists go into a bar. The first one says โ€œI think Iโ€™ll have an H2O.โ€ The second one says โ€œI think Iโ€™ll have an H2O tooโ€ โ€” and he died.


A couple of biologists had twins. They named one Jessica and the other Control.


Did you hear the one about the recycling triplets? Their names are Polly, Ethel, and Ian.


Why can you never trust atoms? They make up everything!


What element is a girlโ€™s future best friend? Carbon.


I had to make these bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.


Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.


What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.


What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? I like your โ€œstyle.โ€


Iโ€™m reading a great book on anti-gravity. I canโ€™t put it down.


I have a new theory on inertia but it doesnโ€™t seem to be gaining momentum.


Why canโ€™t atheists solve exponential equations? Because they donโ€™t believe in higher powers.


Schrodingerโ€™s cat walks into a bar. And doesnโ€™t.


Do you know the name Pavlov? It rings a bell.


What does a subatomic duck say? Quark!


A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. Bartender replies โ€œFor you, no chargeโ€.


Two atoms are walking along. One of them says: โ€œOh, no, I think I lost an electron.โ€ โ€œAre you sure?โ€

โ€œYe

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Punsville
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 04 2017
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My dad asked me if I wanted a Hertz donut...

Back in the 90s, I remember playing some N64 after school when my dad came home from work. He comes into the living room and asks me what's up and, as a teen, I say "nuthin" and keep playing while he just stands there. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see he's looking at me with a stupid grin on his face that's he's trying to suppress poorly. Finally, he asks me to pause the game. I turn to him and he asks "You want a Hertz donut?" I obviously know this joke, but to make it worse, he's already making a fist, ready at his side. I roll my eyes and say "No, I do not want a Hertz donut." He just relaxes his hand and says surprised "Oh, you don't? You sure?" I say I'm sure and he says okay and walks back out to his car, leaving me to return to my GoldenEye. A few seconds later, he comes strolling back in the room, with a box of a dozen donuts in his hand, while he's eating one, with the same stupid grin on his face. On the box of donuts, "Dunkin" has been crudely crossed out and Hertz written beneath it in Sharpie marker. He walks into the kitchen saying "Guess you won't be having these Hertz donuts!" I'm in awe. I follow him into the kitchen and he finally relents and lets me take a donut. I ask him "So, you bought these donuts, and just put this joke together on the way home?" He says he thought of the joke earlier in the day at work and had to buy the donuts for the bit. I start laughing hysterically thinking about him sitting at work itching to leave to pull this off. As we sit there, quietly eating these donuts, he breaks the silence with a mouth full of donut, with "Had to stop at CVS to pick up a Sharpie too." I almost choked on the donut jimmies.

TLDR: Dad offered a Hertz donut, should've taken him up on it.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/PriestPorridge
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 24 2014
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My dad spouted off this one the other day...

My sister was talking about an episode of bones in which they apparently found a body in a wine barrel.

My dad stops her and says, "so are you saying it was a full-bodied wine?"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/swhit94
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 31 2016
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My sister and I both get our sense of humor from our dad. She got me with this text the other night.

Sister: Sometimes I make jokes that only you would appreciate to the full extent

Me: Same.

Sister: This car came pulling out of a place real fast before stopping and the guys driving kind of looked like POTC Orlando Bloom. So naturally he [her boyfriend] said "Woah, Orlando bloom" and I said "Yeah you better calm down before you Orlando yourself in a bad spot"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/nanon0324
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 28 2017
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Puns of Varying Quality on the Subject of Linguistics (created in a fit of procrastinative inspiration) some of which I thought someone, someday might appreciate.

Note: Quality Very Varying (I see what I did there) and sometimes subject to specialist knowledge. So I apologise in advance. Shame me with your better puns.

While I was languishing in the Language Centre, doing some semantics antics and considering how all the other linguistics students despised and derided me, I was accosted by a stout man with large glasses who made me a preposition. It was that I should collect terrible puns, to do with linguistics, in order to ingratiate myself yet further with the other linguistics students (including even the phonetics fanatics).

I'm struggling to think of a pun to do with grammaticality that both makes sense and "Is grandma tickly?" correct. I'm also stuck on 'morphologician'. (I'm not actually sure that's a particularly logical word for the subject, though I guess that's more for, er, more for a logician to worry about.)

The problem I have with writing about phonological variation is that one is constantly forced to choose between being fun or logical - very Asian!I always get in trouble with electricians, they think I'm calling them a 'dialectician' whereas in fact I'm just saying "Die, electrician."

I like pscycholinguistics โ€“ the only department of linguistics where itโ€™s acceptable to wear a cycle helmet. My Australian accent is terrible but I like to think my Sath Efrican one is predicate. My favourite accent is Received Pronunciation, because it is the accent chiefly used by invisible Japanese people who are ordered online. When the first recipient of an invisible Japanese person got the parcel, they wrote a complaint saying "Received but can't see Asian" and the name stuck.

Why did the speakers whose native languages weren't English, but whose only shared language was English, but they weren't very good at it and kept on having to stop to think about it, stop talking to one another? They came to an agreement. (Get it? If not, write your answer on a pastecard and paste it to the below address.)

What did the 'a' say to the 'the'? "You definitely are ticklish, 'the'!"

Why was the small man eaten by the large bear, which was proportionately bigger than him? It had, er, relative claws.

I think the reason there are so many speakers of Russian is because they all partake in an activity called "copulae shun". (Ok, ok, I know, that was Pushkin it.)

I know a man called Hillary who can, might, should, did, must, shall and will ride an ox. We call him "Ox Hillary".

I always think the verb 'to be' in the senten

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kieuk
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 28 2011
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Every time my dad tells this it gets just a little more elaborate. But this is how I remember it.

Paul has a shitty life, his wife constantly berates him, his job sucks, his boss is a bully, his car is a shitty 85 ford pinto with a cracked windshield and is in bad need of a new transmission and to top it all off he's chubby, balding, and he has a small penis.

The only thing good in Paul's life is his friend Artie. Artie isn't the brightest bulb in the world, but he's always been there for Paul in the tough times. On October 5, 1953 Artie stood up for Paul against his bully in 7th grade. Artie got his ass handed to him at that time, but so did Paul. That incident resulted in a life long friendship. Paul and Artie went to the same High School together. They traveled around Europe that one summer in college. Artie was Paul's best man at his wedding. Everyone thought speech Artie gave was terrible, But Paul loved it Artie was his best friend.

Artie's life wasn't much better either, he never had the smarts for that great Job. In fact he was stuck in a dead end job as a construction labourer. Artie's car was pretty shitty too. Artie never married, but he was happy in the knowledge that at least he didn't end up with Paul's shitty wife.

For Paul's 46th birthday Artie was pretty broke, so all he could get his friend was a single lottery ticket. Artie being the sentimental guy that he was picked the date of the start of their friendship, and their respective ages (46, 45). Paul loved the present, and thought that the two of them should go to the Legion that friday to split a round of beers and listen to them call out the numbers.

On Friday they are both sitting there at the Legion having a laugh over a couple of beers when the cute lottery girl comes on the t.v. to read out the numbers. Paul pulls out the ticket and spreads it out on the beer stained table in front of them. The lottery girl starts reading out the numbers, 45, 10, 05. Both of Paul and Artie's hearts start beating, thats 200$ already. 53, Holy crap thats like a 10, 000 ticket. They both start losing their shit. 46....... Paul feints. He just won the jackpot. 37million dollars.

Two minutes later Artie finally revives Paul. Paul and Artie celebrate the night away, buy round after round for the people at the Legion and get absolutely shittered. They close out the bar and as the ugly lights come on they stumble blitzed, singing, onto the street arm in arm with the winning lottery ticket in hand and start the long walk back to Paul's place.

Halfway home, Paul comes to two drunken

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/clearwind
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 22 2014
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Egalitarian Punctuation

I work in IT at a university, and I was requested to update a template email my office sends out to prospective students. Whenever I start an email, I always begin with the salutation "Hello [student name]. With a full stop period.

Among the other changes requested, folk wanted me to change the period to a comma, because it "looks better" or something. I don't know.

After a bit of back and forth, I gave in and said "Fine. I'll give in to your filthy comma-unist ways." Many groans were had all around the office.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/crepusculi
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 04 2016
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A classic joke my dad tells

My dad is a truck driver. This story gets everyone he's ever told it to: Dad: "So I'm driving through Detroit at about 3-4am to start my route. As you know, most of the inner city roads are crap, and are polluted with potholes. Suddenly I see an ambulance in my mirror going full speed with its lights on. I immediately pull off to the side of the road to let it pass. This is where it gets crazy... The ambulance drives through the intersection bouncing through potholes and as it does, the back door flies open and a cooler pops out, but the ambulance keeps going like nothing happened. Well I was the only one around at that time of the night so I immediately stopped to grab the cooler. I bring it into my cab and it has a hazmat sticker on it but the seal is broken. So I decided to open it up and see what was inside. It was a human toe!" Me: "Holy shit! What did you do!?" Dad: "I called the toe truck"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Rylon2008
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 14 2015
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relationships and dad jokes

SO going on and on about parents' relationship - long and full of drama.

Me: You should tell him to get a sex change.

SO: (sigh) where are the fuck are you going with this? What, it'll stop the cheating accusations?

Me: Well, she wants him to be more transparent.

SO (death glare)

Me: It's not as if we see much of him anyway.

SO: ...

Me: I'll shut up now.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/seamusog
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 16 2014
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I reverse-dad-joked the husband

We were driving up to Austin to see a show sans kid for the evening, and stopped by a Culver's to get some delicious snacks for the road.

He got this mint chocolate chip shake thing and worked on it for the better part of 30 minutes before he sighed and put the cup down. He said, "This is too much. I just can't handle anymore."

I asked if he meant he was too full. "No, not physically," he said. "It's too strong in flavor. I can't take anymore, mentally."

I nodded, and after a second, said, "You can't take anymore, MINTally."

He facepalmed.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kmparker
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 06 2014
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More of a prank than a joke

I was sitting in a local Mexican food place with my wife having a late lunch and spot my 19yo daughter in the parking lot driving in her car with my 16yo daughter in the passenger seat. They were just returning from Vidcon.

They drove in front of the restaurant not noticing my wife's parked truck. I bolted out of the door of the restaurant and ran full tilt 500 yards across the parking lot following them all while ducking and weaving around cars so as not to be spotted. They pulled into a gas station on the other side of the parking lot from the restaurant just as I was able to sneak between the pumps and slam myself against her windshield and fall to the ground as if I had been hit. Then I flopped around on the ground like a fish.

It scared my 19yo daughter so bad she actually pee'd a little and couldn't stop crying. My 16yo was laughing so hard she couldn't breath.

I'm a bad Dad.

TL;DR: Bad father scared teenage daughter so bad she pee'd then cried.

Edit: Words

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/imdickie
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 27 2014
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Christmas dad joke

Mom watering the tree: This tree is really drinking a lot!

Dad reading the newspaper: Really? It should try AA.

He would not stop laughing. For a full minute, at least.

sigh

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madmike34455
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 24 2013
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Towtruck

So my cousin found a cooler on the side of the road and stopped, picked it up, cleaned it out, and asked if anyone wanted it for their boat or whatever.

My dad looks at me and says "I found a cooler full of ice on the side of the road, I opened it up and inside there was a toe wrapped in a towel."

I look at him and say "Wow! A real toe? Did you call the cops?"

He looks at me and says "No, I called a 'toe'truck!"

Him and my cousin(also a dad) have been laughing about it for the past hour.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/backb0ne
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 20 2014
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A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 75
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Josvys
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A new Navy recruit has his first day on a submarine.... (apologies to u/buddybd)

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes."

The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.

"Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters."

The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.

"Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!"

The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/IranRPCV
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarineโ€ฆ

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

โ€œGo stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope.โ€

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

โ€œSon Iโ€™m changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes.โ€

The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. Heโ€™s cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.

โ€œListen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters.โ€

The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.

โ€œHey there,โ€ says the recruit. โ€œis it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I havenโ€™t kept one position for more than 15 minutes!โ€

The crewman says โ€œOh yeah- this sub is full of reposts.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 185
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Anthonybrose
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 15 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
So a guy has a head for a son.

The man has a head for a son (Don't ask why) and the father is sad that his son can't do anything with him. He feels down and decides on his 21st birthday to take him to a bar.

He gets his son a drink and his son grow a torso, "Holy shit!" the father couldn't believe it.

He gives him more and more shots until he has a full body, The father than makes a toast for the occasion and they both take another drink, but the son disappears after drinking it.

The father looks to the bartender and asks "What happened to my son!"

The Bartender says "I don't know, but you should have stopped when he was a head."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/GunnerLP
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 17 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

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