I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GuvSingh
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2021
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A man walks into a fish and chip shop with a salmon under his arm...

Man: Do you do fishcakes?

Fishmonger: no, I'm afraid not, sorry.

Man: Ah, that's a shame - it's his birthday today

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YakDangerous5412
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
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There was a fight in the fish and chip shop

The fish got battered

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
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Did you hear about the fight at the fish and chip shop?

Five fish got battered and a bunch of chips were a-salted.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hideandsheep
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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A man walks into a fish and chip shop with a cod under his arm...

He says to the bloke behind the counter,

β€œDo you do fishcakes?”

The man behind the counter nods his head and smiles.

β€œYeah mate.”

Customer points to the cod under his arm.

β€œBetter make him one then mate, it’s his birthday.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cromantica
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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I called my wife and asked her if I should pick up Fish and chips on the way home from work and she hung up.....

She's still angry she let me name the kids

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πŸ‘€︎ u/B-man44
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2019
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I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up Fish and Chips on the way from work. She didn’t respond.

She is still mad about the names I gave our kids.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
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Hey Dad why do you go to that particular place to eat fish and chips?

Just for the Halibut

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Phroedrick
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2020
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My local fish and chip shop
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HamLamb
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2018
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Feeling international today: Having Fish and Chips for lunch.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alzyma
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2019
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Name idea for a fish and chip shop?

We found love in a hopeless plaice.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Belcherlot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2018
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What do you say when the condiment you have with fish and chips goes away?

Tartare, sauce.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cyryoonake
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
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We had fish and chips the other night for dinner.

I bit into a piece of Flake and told my dad he better run because there's a man eating shark in the loungeroom.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Flanky_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2017
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So there was this zookeeper...

(This probably makes more sense if you're British.)

Doing his rounds one day and when he got to the bird enclosure he noticed a load of the birds had died. Unsure as to what he should do with the bodies he tossed them into the big cat exhibit.

The next day he was cleaning out the primates and noticed the lifeless figure of an ape laying on the floor... not wanting to perform a proper burial and besides- he wasn't earning much more than minimum wage anyway so he tossed it into the big cat enclosure.

On his third day the zookeeper came across his colleague who kept bees, it seems they'd got sick and a lot of the hive had perished. Not to worry, the zookeeper scooped them onto a shovel and tossed them into the big cat exhibit. It's the circle of life he thought to himself.

The next day there was a lot of excitement in the zoo. A new lioness had arrived. The lioness stalked out of the trailer...sniffed at the unfamiliar lion next to her...

"So, what's the food like in this place then?" She asked awkwardly.

"It's actually not that bad" replied the lion. "Over the past few days we've had Finch, chimps and mushy bees"

Badum tssss! Β―_(ツ)_/Β―

Yeah, for any non brits that read all that: Fish, chips and mushy peas is a classic English dish. So...yeah...that's the joke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FananaBartman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
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Two British monks set up a small snack stand at the parish fair.

They divided the duties equally: one was the fish friar, and the other was

the chip monk!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/franksymptoms
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
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124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

β€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, β€˜The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

β€œI’ll call you later!”- β€œPlease don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

β€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: β€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

β€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, β€˜No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: β€œWow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

β€œMe: β€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: β€˜Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

β€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

β€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

β€œWhat’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: β€œDon’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: β€œNo, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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Dadjoked my Dad Today

So my dad and I were walking down the waterfront after getting fish and chips, and we walked past an antique shop. We hadn't been to this area in a while.

Dad: It's been ages since I've been in there.

Me: Well they don't have anything new.

Needless to say he had a chuckle.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrRandomnez
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2014
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Funny name for a shop selling Nazi memorabilia?

I've seen a fish and chip shop called Fishcoteque and a kebab shop called Abrakebabra. But what would be a good name for a Nazi memorabilia/antique shop?

Suggestions gratefully received!

(Equiry purely out of interest, no plans on opening one!)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/frood77
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2016
🚨︎ report
Two of the men from the local monastery opened a takeaway shop on the premises.

There's the fish friar and the chip monk.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAnagramancer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2018
🚨︎ report
So last night me and the family were out to dinner...

My dad looks at a sign hanging on the wall and reads aloud "Fresh fish and chips, caught locally."

Turns to me and says, 'I wonder how they catch the chips.'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Irvy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2015
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So I dad joked a couple at work last night

I'm a server at a local restaurant. A couple came in and both of them ordered fish and chips. As I'm bringing it out to them, the wife says, "Holy mackerel, that's a lot of food!" I responded with, "Actually, we use cod instead, but it's delicious nonetheless." They didn't realize what happened until I scurried away giggling.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2014
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Deep fried Mars bar

I got some fish and chips and a deep fried mars bar with my girlfriend and afterwards she was critiquing the deep fried mars bar.

Girlfriend: It was pretty good, but the batter was too thick. There was too much before you got to the melted mars bar

Me: So...you're saying that it could have been batter?

I didn't look at her, but I could tell she was glaring at me

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lozdogz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2014
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Dad joked by my science professor

My science professor is in his 50s and he's constantly making dad jokes during his lectures.

Yesterday he was talking about Gregor Mendel. He said every year at Mendel's monastery, they would harvest their fish and have a big fish fry. He went on to say that they eventually got potatoes from other countries and they basically had fish and chips.

He said at one of the fish fries, someone asked Mendel if he was the fish friar.

Mendel replied "No, I'm the chip monk."

Edit: Spelling error.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/marshallu2018
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2015
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Did you hear that there was a big fight down at the fish and chips shop

The fish got battered and the chips got assaulted

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AmazingAlasdair
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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The fish and chip shop: β€œSorry sir we’re all out of fish.”

Me: β€œI knew it, there is no cod!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jlionbad
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the fight at the fish and chip shop?

Apparently someone got battered

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fatjesus10
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I called my wife and told her that I will pick up Fish and Chips on the way home from work. She didn not respond.

She is still mad about the names I gave our kids.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
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Did you hear about the fight in the fish and chip shop

Three fish got battered

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/0LORD-VADER0
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2018
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A man walks into an establishment...

A man walks into an establishment, goes up to the counter and says: β€œHi, can I buy some fish and chips please” The lady responds: β€œSir this is a library” The man: whispers β€œSorry, can I buy some fish and chips please”

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/matt_white97
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2017
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