First Night Puns

I asked the waitress what the deal was, and she said, "It's the Bonaparte."

Sounded like a peeceful night to me.

It was quite the shin dig.

Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. Don't love me anymore?'

'Nonsense, darling,' replied the husband, 'you just cook better now.'

My body was really sore as well!

The obstetrician came to the bridge, squinted into the night and said:

"Congratulations, Captain. It's a buoy!"

Today I have an ankle the size of a football.

>!Mind you, thanks to this really good weed I am feeling no pain at all.!<

Forked on the first date.

What an underrated fruit.

Me: "Your first one? Yeah, bullshit."

Him: "No really. My god did I ever look young."

It smelled good but it tasted like caarp.

That movie was way shorter than I thought it would be.

I think I’ll stick to raisins.

He said relax, you're two tents.

He got in a fight with the bouncer at a club.

It's in tents!

I got him a Fosters, but he didn't like that, so I had it.

I tried him on Carling, but he hated that too, so I drank that as well.

Same thing with Guinness and Bitter.

I was doubling up on everything and he was happy with just fruit juice.

By the time we got onto the vodkas, I was too drunk to push his stroller home...

I was lying in bed with a 102 fever and said "babe I'm dying"

She patted my head and said "hi Dying, I'm [wife]"

I was so proud

Daughter in back seat lecturing fiance on how to drive

Me: [Child's Name] "Please stop, you don't even drive."

Fiance: Oh she drives.....Us up the wall!!

As we approached one of the tanks, I started singing "When the moon hits your eye, like a big pizza pie... That's a moray" points at large moray eel

The doctor had done a quick hand held ultra sound and told them they were having a girl a few months back. Last night they were surprised with a boy. They had no boy names picked out. I said the most appropriate name would be "Tucker"

I fought him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death."