Lil Nas X sold his sole to make these nike shoes with a drop of human blood
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
My friend just started his own business with the sole motivation to help affordably castrate male dogs.
That's true entrepreneutership
With Lil Nas X's Satan Shoes, the devil can finally steal our soles.
lil Nas X sold his sole to the devil..
I've spent all morning trying to think of a quality pun, just to come up with THIS otter rubbish.
My Son Ate a Bunch of Scrabble Tiles. My Wife is Scared but I'm not...
He should have a good vowel movement. His next diaper change could spell disaster though.
Chinese takeout: $11.77. Price of gas to get there: $3.00
Making it all the way home and realizing that they forgot one of the containers:
Riceless
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face"
Today on a walk my son was asking about a bunch of plants and stuff, he pointed to one and I said it was a fungi.
Without missing a beat he asks "Daddy, do you know how much room you need to grow Fungi like that?"
I did not know.
So he tells me "as Mushroom as possible!"
So proud.
My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work
She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up
Grandma is always saying to me ' Hey what's the name of that German guy again who keeps taking my stuff '
Alzheimer, Grandma, it's Alzheimer.
Always part of a classical dish
What do cannibals serve at the beginning of dinner party?
SpongeBob may be the main character of the show.
A conversation I had on a dating app. For context, her instagram is mainly pictures of chairs and her name rhymes with chair.
I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.
The one and only acceptable way of advertising
What kind of tree comes from your mouth?
I’m sorry aboot these. Please don’t kick me out of this sub or shoe me away....
Scientist have actually discovered a feline-like life-form on Mars! But unfortunately, one of their rovers ran over it, and
Curiosity killed the cat :(
My friend keeps saying “Cheer up, man. It could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Edit: Wow. Thanks for the awards, kind Reddit strangers!
Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx.
But no one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting pistol.
My friend was trying to feed her baby but he was having none of it. I said "Try the Airplane."
She said, "Airplane? What is it?"
"It's a classic spoof film from the 1980s but that's not important right now."
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
What weighs more? A gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
Water. Butane is a lighter fluid
So we all know that you find H2O inside a fire hydrant, but what do you find on the outside of a fire hydrant?
DAD JOKES ARE NOT DIRTY.
Go post NSFW jokes somewhere else. If I can't tell my kids this joke, then it is not a DAD JOKE.
If you feel it's appropriate to share NSFW jokes with your kids, that's on you. But a real, true dad joke should work for anyone's kid.
Mods... If you exist... Please, stop this madness. Rule #6 should simply not allow NSFW or (wtf) NSFL tags. Also, remember that MINORS browse this subreddit too? Why put that in rule #6, then allow NSFW???
Please consider changing rule #6. I love this sub, but the recent influx of NSFW tagged posts that get all the upvotes, just seem wrong when there are good solid DAD jokes being overlooked because of them.
Thank you,
A Dad.
Does anyone know any good sword fighting puns ? I'm trying to think of any words that have..
My Daughter says to me at dinner " Hey Dad, your glass is empty, would you like another one of those ? "
..why would I want two empty glasses..!?
What is the opposite of isolate?
My friend made a lot of money selling viagra
I told him to keep it up!
In honor of Mother’s Day, I’d just like to say,
“thank you for your cervix.”
My wife has accused me of stealing her Thesaurus....
Not only was I shocked, I was also aghast, appalled and dismayed.
I need someone to repair the stone wall in the front of my house, but I don’t have a lot of money.
Incidentally, Free Masons are not what they sound like.
Someone has glued my pack of cards together...
I don't know how to deal with it.
I googled "What can you make with 50kg of sulfur?"
My cousin has a crippling, irrational, fear of being beaten up by Mexicans.
….so his doctor gave him medication for Hispanic attacks.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet
All hail the holy antlers of the deer god
There are only two white people in the movie Black Panther
Martin Freeman, and Andy Serkis.
They also play roles in Lord of the Rings.
I guess that makes them the Tolkien white guys.
I saw a pack of gummy worms that said “No artificial flavor.”
Who buys gummy worms hoping they’d taste as close to real worms as possible?
What do you call 2000 pounds of bones?
It just occurred to me that the opposite of Artificial Intelligence is …
Every time I post on r/dadjokes, someone comments with a better version of my joke
I guess I suffer from premature ejokeulation
A man walks in to a bar with a piece of asphalt
The man says to the bartender “1 for me, and 1 for the road”
The CEO of IKEA has been elected Prime Minister of Sweden.
He's currently assembling his cabinet.
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
The Adventures of the Mathmagician (an educational and punny comic).
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