I dropped a box of donuts in the parking lots and all the crows are eying them greedily...
This eye pun couldn't be any cornea
Why did Hitler wear eye glasses?
Because without them he could Nazi.
My son said, “I accidentally put ketchup in my eye. I should have been more careful.”
I said, “That’s Heinz sight for you.”
What do you call a native Alaskan eye doctor??
An Optical Aleutian
I’ll see myself out...
What did one eye say to the other eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
Who DOESN'T enjoy a little eye candy on a Wednesday afternoon?
What do you call a Deer with no eyes?
My girlfriend poked me in the eye I stopped seeing her after a while
What do you call a fish with no eye's?
What happens when you give the Devil two eyes and turn him around?
He becomes Livid.
I'll see myself out now.
Which eye doctor makes you happy?
I regret rubbing eyes with ketchup
When I was first learning Photoshop I got a bit creative. I could hear my friends roll their eyes.
Eye did not see that coming
My vet picked up my dog, looked at him and confirmed that he was cross-eyed and that he had to be put down.
Confused and upset, I asked why.
The vet advised he was too heavy to hold any longer.
Did I tell you guys about the cross-eyed teacher?
She couldn’t control her pupils.
I accidentally got ketchup in my eyes
The earliest memory I have is going to the doctor with my dad to get my eyes checked.
Things before that is a blur.
What do you call a dear with no eyes
No eye dear
What do you call a dear with no eyes or legs
Still no eye dear
What do you call a dear with no eyes or legs cut in half
Still half no eye dear
Some people told their dad that Dora has a visual impairment and that Boots and the viewers were her eyes. Then the father bought them Dora-themed gifts for Christmas.
And then someone commented "They must've thought you were a-Dora-ble.
I once saw a cloud of mist form before my eyes, then take the form of a giant tent peg...
Couple of coworkers talking about which eye they shoot with...
then they asked which eye I shoot with. I said neither, I use my finger.
Sorry I've been so quiet here today. I've been keeping a close eye on the local news. Apparently there's a lad going around stabbing people with knitting needles.
Police say he may be following a pattern.
Scientists have developed a microscopic needle that is too small to be seen by the naked eye...
I just don't see the point.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
“Because they have no balls to scratch”
I have the eye of a tiger, the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the zoo
Your honor is it illegal to throw sodium chloride in someone's eyes?
Judge: it's assault
I know it's a salt, is it a crime though?
What has four eyes and a peepee?
>!Mississippi.!<
This joke doesn't work as well in writing.
The cheap, sketchy airline I fly only does red-eyes....
It's a real fly by night operation
Boss: How's that new glue?
Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
I tell you what always catches my eye....
Short people with umbrellas
My friend today is intentionally staring at the sun to cause eye damage.
Look on the bright side, today will be the last time he sees 2020....
A Girl takes a pregnancy test, mortified, she looks her boyfriend, dead in the eyes, and says...
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
Our dog has been a little under the weather so we took him in for a checkup. The vet picked him up, studied him for a bit, sighed and said, "I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna have to put him down." Tears welling in my eyes I sputtered, "Why!? What's wrong with him?"
The vet replied, "Nothing major, he's just really heavy!"
What do you call a person with one eye that's sad all the time?
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Why do detectives tend to scrutinize individuals with bluish eyes in cases of poisoning?
Because the real killer is usually cyan-eyed.
What do you call a fish without an eye?
Old Jed Clampett (Beverly Hillbillies) got in an accident that left him with a glass eye. It was uncomfortable to sleep in over night so he took it out and hired a servant to watch it.
It was his Jed Eye Master.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
“You know, one would have been enough.”
What do you call a fish with four eyes?
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
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