I dropped a box of donuts in the parking lots and all the crows are eying them greedily...
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︎ Mar 29 2019
This eye pun couldn't be any cornea
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︎ Mar 23 2017
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︎ Apr 17 2017
Why did Hitler wear eye glasses?
Because without them he could Nazi.
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︎ Jan 19 2021
My son said, โI accidentally put ketchup in my eye. I should have been more careful.โ
I said, โThatโs Heinz sight for you.โ
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︎ Feb 13 2021
What do you call a native Alaskan eye doctor??
An Optical Aleutian
Iโll see myself out...
๐︎ 10k
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︎ Dec 01 2020
What did one eye say to the other eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
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︎ Feb 15 2021
Who DOESN'T enjoy a little eye candy on a Wednesday afternoon?
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︎ Feb 10 2021
What do you call a Deer with no eyes?
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︎ Jan 19 2021
My girlfriend poked me in the eye I stopped seeing her after a while
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︎ Dec 28 2020
What do you call a fish with no eye's?
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︎ Jan 16 2021
What happens when you give the Devil two eyes and turn him around?
He becomes Livid.
I'll see myself out now.
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︎ Jan 16 2021
Which eye doctor makes you happy?
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︎ Feb 05 2021
Black eyed Pโs
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︎ Jan 01 2021
DOGE
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︎ Feb 07 2021
I regret rubbing eyes with ketchup
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︎ Jan 29 2021
When I was first learning Photoshop I got a bit creative. I could hear my friends roll their eyes.
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︎ Jan 26 2021
Eye did not see that coming
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︎ Jan 14 2021
My vet picked up my dog, looked at him and confirmed that he was cross-eyed and that he had to be put down.
Confused and upset, I asked why.
The vet advised he was too heavy to hold any longer.
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︎ Jan 07 2021
Did I tell you guys about the cross-eyed teacher?
She couldnโt control her pupils.
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︎ Jan 10 2021
I accidentally got ketchup in my eyes
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︎ Jan 20 2021
The earliest memory I have is going to the doctor with my dad to get my eyes checked.
Things before that is a blur.
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︎ Feb 06 2021
What do you call a dear with no eyes
No eye dear
What do you call a dear with no eyes or legs
Still no eye dear
What do you call a dear with no eyes or legs cut in half
Still half no eye dear
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︎ Jan 10 2021
Some people told their dad that Dora has a visual impairment and that Boots and the viewers were her eyes. Then the father bought them Dora-themed gifts for Christmas.
And then someone commented "They must've thought you were a-Dora-ble.
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︎ Feb 10 2021
I once saw a cloud of mist form before my eyes, then take the form of a giant tent peg...
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︎ Feb 08 2021
Couple of coworkers talking about which eye they shoot with...
then they asked which eye I shoot with. I said neither, I use my finger.
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︎ Jan 25 2021
Sorry I've been so quiet here today. I've been keeping a close eye on the local news. Apparently there's a lad going around stabbing people with knitting needles.
Police say he may be following a pattern.
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︎ Jan 22 2021
Scientists have developed a microscopic needle that is too small to be seen by the naked eye...
I just don't see the point.
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︎ Jan 12 2021
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
โBecause they have no balls to scratchโ
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︎ Jan 13 2021
I have the eye of a tiger, the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the zoo
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︎ Jan 17 2021
Your honor is it illegal to throw sodium chloride in someone's eyes?
Judge: it's assault
I know it's a salt, is it a crime though?
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︎ Jan 17 2021
What has four eyes and a peepee?
>!Mississippi.!<
This joke doesn't work as well in writing.
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︎ Jan 23 2021
The cheap, sketchy airline I fly only does red-eyes....
It's a real fly by night operation
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︎ Feb 09 2021
Boss: How's that new glue?
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︎ Jan 20 2021
Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
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︎ Dec 16 2020
I tell you what always catches my eye....
Short people with umbrellas
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︎ Jan 10 2021
My friend today is intentionally staring at the sun to cause eye damage.
Look on the bright side, today will be the last time he sees 2020....
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︎ Dec 31 2020
A Girl takes a pregnancy test, mortified, she looks her boyfriend, dead in the eyes, and says...
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︎ Oct 23 2020
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
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︎ Jan 10 2021
Our dog has been a little under the weather so we took him in for a checkup. The vet picked him up, studied him for a bit, sighed and said, "I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna have to put him down." Tears welling in my eyes I sputtered, "Why!? What's wrong with him?"
The vet replied, "Nothing major, he's just really heavy!"
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︎ Dec 16 2020
What do you call a person with one eye that's sad all the time?
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︎ Dec 24 2020
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
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︎ Nov 30 2020
Why do detectives tend to scrutinize individuals with bluish eyes in cases of poisoning?
Because the real killer is usually cyan-eyed.
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︎ Dec 29 2020
What do you call a fish without an eye?
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︎ Dec 26 2020
Old Jed Clampett (Beverly Hillbillies) got in an accident that left him with a glass eye. It was uncomfortable to sleep in over night so he took it out and hired a servant to watch it.
It was his Jed Eye Master.
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︎ Jan 11 2021
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
โYou know, one would have been enough.โ
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︎ Jan 10 2021
What do you call a fish with four eyes?
๐︎ 30
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︎ Dec 12 2020
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
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︎ Dec 31 2020
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
๐︎ 33
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︎ Jan 22 2021
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