I was driving my German girlfriend around in my older banger, the heavy rain clattering against my windshield. As the journey went on, I realised that she has this really weird obsession with snakes.

She kept telling me that I need vipers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2018
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driving in the rain with my boyfriend last night

it was raining pretty steadily and he was driving really slow. he apologized and said, "sorry. i'm just worried about deer. i don't have time for these rain deer games."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/totodile-ac
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2014
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Driving down the highway in the rain..

and my sister complains that the windshield wipers aren't going fast enough for the weather. My dad replies: "They're already going 55mph, how much faster do you want them to go?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazikyle
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2018
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We were driving, then it started to rain.

We were wetving now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRtHonLaqueesha
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2016
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My wife was having trouble with the windshield wipers on our new car, so I took it for a drive when it was raining.

She called me and asked " Are the wipers working ?"

I said " They're are working, they're not working, they're working.........."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CabinetDear3035
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2023
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One warm summer day I was driving down a country road with all the windows down and was trying to remember the last day it rained

And then when I spit out the window it all came back to me.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2023
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It was raining this morning and my wife had to drive right past where I work, so I said 'Will you give me a lift?'

She said 'Have you lost weight? Nice shirt, by the way, and your hair looks fantastic.'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlRedux
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
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A list of over 350 Dad Jokes!

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. β€œI’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. β€œSorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. β€œYou’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. β€œWe don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. β€œWhy not?” one yogurt asks. β€œWe’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, β€œWhat are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, β€œIt’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, β€œWhat’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, β€œArrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, β€œI don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbersβ€”some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bugasum
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2022
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Nerd dad joke that I got my daughter with just now

She wanted me to drive her home from her chemistry practical because the trains were delayed. She asked if I knew why the trains weren't running, and I said it was because of the rain. (Which was true.)

Then I asked her if she realised that trains were soluble in water; after all, what do you think the molecular structure of the Polar Express is going to be?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/solresol
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2022
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Christmas related joke

An older American couple visits Russia for the first time. They are a little concerned about the language barrier as neither speak Russian. Luckily they find a very friendly cab driver named Rudolph at the airport who speaks fluent English. He gives them his mobile number and says he'll be happy to drive them anywhere they need to go during their stay.

The next morning the wife calls Rudolph and asks if he can take them around to several of the sites. He agrees and warns her to bring an umbrella as it's going to rain today.

She tells her husband who promptly looks out the window and sees clear blue skies. He says the cab driver is just pulling her leg and refuses to bring an umbrella.

The cab picks them up in front of the hotel and they have a very nice morning seeing the sites. Just after lunch the sky starts to fill with dark clouds. The cabbie reminds them to take there umbrellas at the next stop as rain storms in Russia can be severe.

The wife turns to her husband and says .....

See, I told you! Rudolph the red knows rain dear.

... I'll see myself out now ...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Curmudgeon1836
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Had a great one at work that nobody will know about

Alright so quick synopsis of what I do for a living is treating industrial waste water for oil fields. Part of our process is removing solids from the water and using a hydraulic press to squeeze the water out of it and dispose of the dry cakes. Once a day, a waste company rolls in large trucks to remove the big bins where we store the cakes, and put in fresh ones.

Today I was talking with the driver of the truck as he replaced my last bin. I wished him well on the road since we live in California and lordy knows nobody understands how to drive in the rain. As I was turning away from him I said

"If you'll excuse me, I have more pressing matters to attend to."

And immediately started up the steps to our press building, laughing the entire time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SSV_Kearsarge
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2017
🚨︎ report
Two woman are sitting on a roof because their town is being flooded

The second woman looks to the first woman and asks what they should do?

"God will save us" she says.

The two women sit there for a while and watch the water continue to rise. Eventually a rescue team in a rubber dinghy turn up.

"Jump on" says the rescuer. The second woman quickly jumps into the dinghy. The first woman looks annoyed and states bluntly that "God will save me". The rescuer shakes his head and drives off.

A few hours go by and the rain begins falling harder and harder. The entire house aside from the roof is submerged.

She hears the sound of a helicopter before she sees it. The helicopter hovers above and throws down a rope ladder.

"Climb up!" Shouts the rescuer.

The woman shakes her head refusing to move "No, god will save me".

The rescuer shakes his head and the helicopter flies off.

Time passes by and the water is now up to the top of the roof. She hears an aeroplane swoop in low overhead, dropping life jackets along the street for anyone left behind.

"No" she shakes her head "God will save me!"

The inevitable happens and after she drowns the storms into heaven upset. "God! Why didn't you save me?"

He looks to her and rolls his eyes. "Well I sent a boat, a helicopter and a life jacket what else do you want me to do?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naiphe
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2018
🚨︎ report
I was very proud of this one

So I was leaving the local music store on an overcast day, and I passed by an older gentleman outside on the walk to my car. It had started sprinkling pretty hard at this point.

Old man: "Looks like rain" Me: "Feels like it, too!"

Blank stare as I get in my car and drive away

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pete_Jonez
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2015
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