Why should you always wear glasses when doing Math?
A garbage man in Oklahoma was doing the rounds one morning
He came to a house where there was no bin out front, but there was a man sitting on the porch.
The garbage man called out ‘Hey! Where’s ‘ya bin?’
The guy replies ‘I’ve been in Florida’
The garbage man says ‘No, no. I meant where’s your wheely bin?’
The guys says ‘I’ve really been in jail but I tell everyone I’ve been in Florida’.
First time my dad took me to church I noticed there was a lady disrobing dolls and putting the clothes on a small cross. I asked my dad what she was doing.
He said "Oh that's just a cross dresser..."
My professor wrote on his syllabus "If anyone asks me how I'm doing, my answer will always be 'I am great, how are you?'"
So when we ask him how he's doing, his answer is "It's on the syllabus".
While doing a crossword, the cyclops asked his wife, "How do you spell Hawaii?" Glancing at what he wrote, she replied, "You need two i’s."
Cyclops growled, "My life is just a big joke to you, isn’t it!?"
My doctor told me to start doing hand exercises.
I’m struggling to grasp the importance of this.
Juan's friends and family always tell him how to live his life, but he's been doing some solitary soul searching
Because it takes Juan to know Juan
My uncles petshop really started doing well when he started selling parrots. They literally flew of the shelves.
The banana peel forgot what it was doing on the floor.
Must’ve slipped its mind.
If I was a smart but unscrupulous high school student, I would start a business doing other kids' homework for a nominal fee.
The name of the business?
"Nerdy deeds, done dirt cheap"
What do you call a group of Pikachus doing a conga line?
My wife is doing a sponsored parachute jump tomorrow....
....and I'm terrified that the chute might not open.
Last time something that big crashed onto Earth, the dinosaurs got wiped out.
I think my wife is becoming a dad. While I was on the porcelain throne, she asked me me what I was doing. I replied: scrolling through Reddit.
She added giggling: you will take ages to log off.
Last time I flew my plane a Navy pilot checked his speed right after me. Ground said he was doing 761 mph.
Knot gonna lie I think he was mach-ing me.
I like doing multiplications
A man was seen doing something curious on a flight to Europe
Before boarding the plane, he threw some salt off the flight bridge
After they landed, he tossed some paprika
On the next leg, some nutmeg and a pinch of cumin.
The flight crew saw the combination, there was only one conclusion they could make...
He was a seasoned traveler
Losing 20£ is easy if you know what you're doing.
What do you call a chicken doing math?
Making mirrors is a job i could see myself doing
"All you're doing is listening to what I say to tell me I'm wrong!"
Recently I've been doing some investigative journalism on hammers..
It's some real hard hitting stuff..
I called an old college classmate and asked what he was doing.
He replied that he was working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum and steel under a constrained environment."
I was impressed...Upon further inquiry, I learned that he was washing dishes, with hot water, under his wife’s supervision.
My wife was fighting me about doing our kitchen in granite or laminate. She finally told me that we just can’t afford granite right now.
I have to admit... it was a pretty good counter argument.
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
I started up a dating site for chickens, but it's not my main job, I'm just doing it…
What was Pinocchio doing in bed?
What was Beethoven doing in his grave?
I've been hiding from doing any exercising.
I'm in the 'Fitness Protection Programme '
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
I asked my mom and dad what they were doing downstairs, they said they were wrapping
So I said they'll have to preform for me sometime
I was doing gymnastics after a part-time shift at the tire change shop, my coach asked me how I learned to do back handsprings without a tumbling cylinder
I said it actually just took me a goodyear or two
What do you say if you are eating whilst doing yoga?
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
Fuck being home all day doing nothing!!
Don't bother doing a criminal background check on me.
What is the Inventor of hand sanitizer doing right now?
How are u doing fellow cool kids
I've just discovered the Cantonese culture of doing maths in a dark room at breakfast
Apparently they enjoy dim sums in the morning
2020 hasn't been all bad. I've been doing fine off my OCD meds now for about..
..6 months, 15 days, 9 hours, and coming up to 12 minutes..now
My daughter says she's not doing well in music class.
She's having a hard time taking notes.
How much fun is doing laundry?
What is Richard Simmons doing in my house?
My son asked me what Micheal Jackson was doing in Italy
I told him he was "sight-heeheeing"
My friend asked what I was doing to celebrate my cake day.
I sat silently because I had no re-torte
There's one job I could see myself doing
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press conference
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