I decided to sell my vacuum...
It was only collecting dust.
The wife and I have decided we don’t want kids
They’re not taking it very well
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It's the little things that count.
Whoever decided to called them Dentures....
....really missed an opportunity to call them Substitooths.
A samurai decided to become a shepherd.
He is now practicing the art of Bu-sheep-do.
The other day I decided to install a highly decorative wall plug in my living room.
I needed a creative outlet.
I’ve finally decided to shave my private area.
I need to stop beating around the bush.
I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big enough or strong enough.
I've just handed in my too weak notice.
I once met a talking dog, and decided to ask "what do you get from a tree's outer layer?"
But it's answer was just a bark
Edit:spelling
My optometrist decided to run for Mayor.
I havent read a book in ages. So i decided to start with a book of how clocks work.
I've decided to invest all my money in soup stocks
I want to be a bouillonaire.
I can’t decide how to finish this wooden sign telling my parrot that she’s become a member of the Scottish aristocracy
A bunch of guys decided to build a cocktail lounge on top of Pike’s Peak.
It didn’t do as well as hoped. Maybe they set the bar too high.
A pinguin decided to cancel his wedding last minute.
I guess he got cold feet.
I recently decided to learn sign language...
So that I can tell jokes nobody has ever heard.
today is my first cake day so I decided to give you guys a joke
What do you call an Irishman bouncing off the walls?
Rick O Shea
Just saw that joke about eating a clock for the umpteenth time. Finally decided to try eating a clock myself, but now I'm freaking out.
I think I picked up a nervous tic.
How do Mexicans decide who gets promoted?
My son is getting so fat, I've decided to put all his favourite snacks at a place he can't reach.
My buddy Neil decided to get into a new kind of business designing keyholes for small houses
So we gave him the nickname shack keyhole Neil
When I was in florida I saw signs saying "animal sanctuary 5$." so I decided to follow them but when I got there it was just a middle aged couple with hundreds of house cats and one dog in a cage.
I've decided to start storing everything in the Cloud, and it's a lot easier than you'd think
Although I'm still not sure how exactly I'm supposed to get anything back down... I guess I'll just have to wait until the balloons pop to use my TV again.
After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music?
Because he had a ton of sick beets.
My wife complains that I'm getting fat. So this winter I decided to diet.
It's called inter"mitten" fasting to keep my hands of food
I decided not to get rid of my tumor anymore
I dont know why, i guess it just grew on me
My bodybuilder friend decided to quit the gym and get into seminary school instead.
Either way, he is cross training.
My neighbour and I became good friends, so we decided to share our water supply.
When I went to university in the early 80's I decided to do my thesis on procrastination.
I guess I should really get around to starting it.
Decided to make a new stripe club today
We only play “Hey There Delilah”. The club will called the Plain White Tease.
I've decided to stop tying my shoes
After a few uses, I decided to get rid of my vacuum.
I make Christmas wreaths for a living. So I decided I would make one out of 100 dollar bills the other day.
I call it a wreath of Franklin.
I won a $1million in the lottery last night and have decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
I now have 999.999.75 left.
My girlfriend and I have been really stressed and having some issues so we decided to take a mini vacation, a weekend trip to a ski resort.
Everything started off well, but things went downhill really fast.
The YouTube Owl-gorithm decides hoo to watch 🦉
After I was arrested, my ex-wife decided to hang a picture of my mugshot on the wall in her living room.
But she still won't admit she framed me.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
This year, my friend decided to play his string instrument with a neck and a deep round back enclosing a hollow cavity, with a sound hole in the body at the voting booths...
He was arrested for ear poll-lute-tion.
I just had a new wash basin delivered to our house for our guest bathroom, but my wife decided that she hates the design so much she won't even let me bring it in off the porch. It has been sitting by our front door for a week, A ENTIRE WEEK.
I decided to go on a vacation with my family. Almost all the hotel rooms were booked except one
It was our last resort...
Just watched an episode of 24 where Jack Bauer had to decide to either help the cartel transfer cannabis crystals into the U.S within 24 hours or they would blow up the Gulf Coast states.
...It was Kief or Southernland.
I was considering investing in a Chinese distillery but decided against it.
Christopher Nolan, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey decide to make a movie together
Nolan says he will direct.
DiCaprio says he will act.
And McConaughey says "I'll write I'll write I'll write"
So a blonde girl is deciding to be a videogame Youtuber....
After she makes and edits her video she starts to take pictures of her hands. Her mom walks by seeing this and asks "Why are you taking so many pictures of your thumbs?". The blond girl replies " If you want people to watch your YouTube videos you gotta have great thumbnail pictures."
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my girlfriend some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
I decided to sell my vacuum...
After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music?
Because he had a ton of sick beets.
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