I have a rare condition that means I never get days off from work.
Itβs due to my weekend immune system
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︎ May 02 2021
A guy asks Pinocchio if he wants to take a day off from working at Gepettoβs workshop to see a bonfire.
Pinocchio says, βI would, but Iβm afraid of getting firedβ.
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︎ May 09 2021
One day, my friend started falling randomly. But when he took his footwear off, he was fine!
Turns out he was wearing slippers.
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︎ Apr 06 2021
i cant believe i got fired from the calendar factory, all i did was take a day off.
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︎ Feb 27 2021
At Disney World on a hot day, saw someone with one of those portable misting bottles attached to a fan for cooling off. I said, "I want a mister fan."
My wife, without missing a beat, says "Please, Mr. Fan is my father."
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︎ Mar 23 2021
I'm a teacher and every day I write a Dad Joke from this sub on the board. Today a student said this to me... I was about to go off... before I got the Dad Joke.
Student: "Sir, someone nutted on the floor!"
Me: *Begins to get angry* *Turns around... there's a hex nut on the floor*
Me: "Well played."
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︎ Jul 30 2020
The other day I bought some new pants from France, but when I out them in they kept falling off.
Turns out, they were made in Toulouse.
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︎ Feb 12 2021
Why do so many people break off addictions the day after Thanksgiving?
There's a lot of cold turkey to go around.
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︎ Dec 27 2020
Why did the tiler want to work on his day off?
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︎ Aug 08 2020
Some people enjoy a day off on the 4th of July.
But not fire. . . . . Fire works on 4th of July.
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︎ Jul 04 2020
How do pickles enjoy their day off?
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︎ Apr 23 2020
LIFE RANT: yesterday was the first day Iβve been outside my house since coronavirus started, I just wanted to get some Jimmy Johns. Itβs been 3 months, I ordered a #16 Club Lulu, something seemed off but by the time I got to the car I realized...
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︎ May 16 2020
I went to the doctors the other day because I cant stop showing off.
They prescribed me some anti gloating cream. I cant wait to rub it in.
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︎ Mar 10 2020
It was 5 years ago to this day that my wife ran off with my best friend ...
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︎ Mar 10 2020
Jesusβ brother, James: Boss, my brother just died. I need the day off.
Boss: No problem.
(3 days later)
James: Boss, my brother is in town. I need the day off.
Boss: Wait a second...
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︎ Nov 10 2018
Take the day off camera, Iβll put on the 10 pounds on my self.
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︎ Nov 13 2019
I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.
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︎ Nov 13 2019
So I was given the ability to fly the other day, decided to give it a whirl over the pacific. Little did I know how tired I was getting but just in the knick of time I saw a remote location that looked deserted off the coast, so what do I do?
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︎ Jan 19 2017
How to get a day off at work
Woman: βI can make the boss give me the day off.βMan: βAnd how would you do that?βWoman: βJust wait and see.β She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.Boss comes in: βWhat are you doing?βWoman: βIβm a light bulb.βBoss: βYouβve been working so much that youβve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.βThe man starts to follow her and the boss says:βWhere are you going?βThe man says: βIβm going home, too. I canβt work in the dark.β
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︎ Sep 29 2019
My dad got laid off last week and today was his last day of work.
He sent my mom and I this picture looking into his office. A parting joke well done.
https://imgur.com/gallery/Z92Ifjx
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︎ Feb 15 2019
I bought a Dog off a Blacksmith the other day...
As soon as I got him home he made a Bolt for the Door.
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︎ Dec 31 2018
My wife drove our German car off the pier into the sea. The next day I went diving to look for it.
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︎ Apr 21 2019
Apparently, taking a day off is not something you can do when you work for a calendar company.
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︎ Jan 18 2018
My Math Professor takes days off from work by faking minor injuries.
I shouldnβt have taken a class with Dr. Fibin Ouchie.
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︎ May 19 2018
Why did the lonely man work on his days off?
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︎ Dec 29 2014
I dropped my son off at the golf course the other day.
He said βdrive safe!β And I said βdrive safe!β
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︎ May 16 2019
Got the day off from my job at the raisin factory due to a power outage
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︎ Aug 22 2018
How did the pickle enjoy its day off?
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︎ Feb 20 2019
saw this the other day... laughed my ass off
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︎ May 11 2018
Showed my Dad Warm Bodies the other day, he caught me off guard this time.
If you don't know the movie, there's a scene where the main character (R) is attempting to drive a car and he's starting and stopping because he can't control his limbs fully.
So my dad just quietly goes. "Makes sense, he's got bad motor control."
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︎ Jan 26 2018
I was buying a pair of shoes the other day when the cashier told me "These are half off today."
"In that case," I replied, "I'll take the left one."
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︎ Feb 20 2019
The lady in the clothing store the other day told me that panties were 50% off.
I told her she should probably put them back on before someone sees her doing that.
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︎ Dec 25 2014
My dad ran over a cat one day. I suggested he scrape it off the road and put it's rear on the wall.
Because it was his Cat-Ass-Trophy
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︎ Aug 28 2015
[True Story] My son had a great day power boating - my wife asked if it all went off without a hitch...
Iβm like, thatβs nearly impossible!
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︎ May 29 2018
I went shoe shopping with my dad the other day. I showed him a pair I liked, and asked him if he thought I could pull them off.
"Well, I'd hope so." he said "I heard getting them on is the hard part."
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︎ Jun 06 2018
Some people enjoy a day off on the 4th of July....
But not fire....fire works on the 4th of July
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︎ Feb 21 2020
I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.
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︎ Oct 09 2019
Some people enjoy a day off on the 4th of July, except for fire
Fire works on the 4th of July
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︎ Jul 05 2019
My wife drove our German car off the pier and into the sea. The next day I went diving and found it.
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︎ Apr 20 2019
βI used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.β
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︎ Nov 25 2016
I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.
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︎ Dec 21 2017
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