My wife and I received nothing from our wedding guests but colanders. There musta been 500 of the damned thing.
It really put a strain on our marriage.
I used to upholster furniture for a living and hated it. My boss switched me to packing for a while then switched me back. I hate it so bad I have to go to a support group. Talking helps me to do the damned job.
The Devils advocate is the best God-damned lawyer.
Damn. Just got fired from my liquor store job. I spilled a bunch of vodka.
It was an Absolut mess.
(Credit Twitter user TheDillonOne)
These damn *.pdf files...
You're damn right it will
Guys, today was my first day in the navy and I felt so lost!
you're damn right they intended it
My socially anxious friend just got a PhD in palindrome studies.
Oh damn guess I get to keep my tip
"I don't care where those damn cows ran off to."
....said the farmer, callously.
What font do they use for the letter noodles in Alphabet Soup?
Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. That's it.
Damn, I mist the morning post
"So you're saying these carbon monoxide sensors are good?"
"Well, no one has come back with a complaint yet."
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
What is the smelliest kind of ox?
Anyone interested in buying my Delorean? Great condition, low mileage...
Only driven from time to time.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin
.
Edit: thank you guys so much for the rewards! I was told this joke from my 9 year old sister, she was well chuffed to see all the votes and people thinking she was funny
So, if Ani is short for Anikan, and Ben is short for Obi-Wan, and Fives is short for CT-27-5555, and Artoo is short for R2D2, and Chewy is short for Chewbacca, what is Luke short for?
I was diagnosed with onomatopoeia recently
I asked my doctor "is that bad?"
He said "it's exactly how it sounds like"
What did the computer say to the other after a 16 hour car ride?
"Damn that was a hard drive."
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me ?
Find out next week.
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know and I don’t care.
I was prescribed medication but couldn't take it. It was impossible to get that damn lid off...
You might have heard of it. It's called Tryopenin.
*Can't find where I parked my van* Me : Damn. Where did my
Now you just wait there a damn second friend.. a little birdie has just informed me that you are in fact a mime
What's the favorite song of bad luck?
An astronaut is making coffee onboard the ISS...
He turns to his crewmate and says:
"Damn, I can't find any milk for my coffee."
The crewmate replies:
"In space no one can, here use cream."
How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh?
Nothing, it's on the house.
A bald man got a great deal on a wig today - only $1!
It was a small price toupee.
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