We have the old-rock radio station playing in our office and I was mockingly humming along to the tunes of one of the songs.
Then my supervisor says, "Oh I know you are not making fun of Def Leppard."
"It's not like they would be able to hear me if I was." I replied.
No one laughed, but the manager walked out of his office to say, "Come on guys, you have to admit that one was good."
because it doesn’t have flash
She wants to be a Singer-songwriter, or sew it seams.
...it is going to be up all night.
It’s called Al-Quinoa
It's the Wurst Käse scenario
Credit: Twitter, Bruce Lawson (@brucel)
Disudderly conduct.
So the old man approaches the polling official and ask if his wife already voted. They ask for her full name and sure enough, she had already voted. He said Oh darn! She died 6 years ago but she keeps voting on every election and I was hoping to see her once again.
He always finds them funny
“Wherever you go, there are those darn cameras!"
...Tooth pics
It took him three days to make it to the closest town. To his dismay, nobody in that town had a horse for sale. So he started walking to the next town. After three days the man, exhausted, started asking around and looking for a horse for sale.Again, nobody could help him.He did,however,stumbled upon a place that sold horses but the man in charge was fresh out.
"Sold my last one just yesterday,"he said."I do, however, have a brother that sells horses. He's about a day's walk west.He owns a corral. He might have a horse to sell you."
So, once again, he sets foot West to the next town and finds the mans brother.
"I heard you might have a horse for sale, he asks."
"Well, I have one, but he don't look so good."he replies.
"I don't care. I've been walking for darn near a week and I'm tired and exhausted. I'll take him."
So after the man pays for the horse, he hops on him takes off and the horse hits a tree and stops.
"Hey,"the man says." I think you sold me a blind horse.Fact is, I'm sure of it!"
"Sir, I told you he don't look so good."the man fires back.
Good mormon.
I said, "darn!"
Seems like the sock market has crashed
I heard some banjo music off in the distance. Some time later, there's a knock at my door. Staring through the peephole, I see two toothless hillbillies. One has a shotgun, the other has a frozen pizza.
Frightened, I barricade myself inside the apartment. I tell them to go away, that I'm calling the police.
That's when one of the hillbillies spoke up and said, "Aw, come on! It's not Deliverance, it's DiGiorno!"
...with a raw egg propped up on the other side.
She asks: "What are you doing?"
He responds: "Well this pancake recipe says I need one beaten egg..."
"So... you decided to play it in a chess game?"
"Well yeah, but the darn egg keeps winning!"
I needle little space.
So I said "maybe you're using the wrong bait"
I replied ‘Darn it Sharon’
(I see that image posts aren't allowed in this sub but gosh darn it, I earned this one. I throw myself on your mercy, mods.)
(Edit: Amazing, thank you for the silver, gold, and the platinum reward of Reddit: long self referential chains of bad jokes.)
Step dad came up to my girlfriend and I last weekend and dropped this one on us...
"What do you call girls that chase after duck dynasty guys and want to sleep with them?"
"Quackwhores"
He won't stop referring to him as Eye-Stick Newton.
Guess that was my last stitch effort.
Darn it!
Me: I think I measured wrong. The toggle bolts aren't lining up with the darned holes. Man, I really screwed this up.
Her: Did you........make a pun?
Me: concentrating on the task at hand Huh?
Her: Never mind.
Me: gets it Ha! No, but that's awesome! "Screwed" it up. Ha! You're a PunMaster!
Her: You're a dork.
When it becomes apparent.
MOM: Oh my! Who!?
DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?
MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
DAD: No, it was with a knife...
Me to friend: "Hey is your washing machine working?"
Friend: "Yeah"
Me: "Darn, this economy is so unfair that your washing machine can work but I can't"
Friend: groan
Oh darn it! I lost my train of thought.
Darn it!
Darn. Wrong sub
DEAR NEIGHBOUR:
Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door.
I've got a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months & have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text, & I can't live with myself a minute longer without your knowing about this.
The truth is that, when you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day & night. In fact, probably much more than you.
I haven't been getting it at home recently, & I know that that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology & forgive me.
Please suggest a fee for usage, & I'll pay you.
Regards, Richard
NEIGHBOUR'S RESPONSE: Fred, feeling very angry & betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, & shot Richard, killing him. He went back home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink & sat down on the sofa and calmed down. Fred then looked at his phone & discovered a 2nd text message from Richard.
2ND TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi, Fred.
Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text.
I expect you figured it out & noticed that the darned Auto-Correct had changed "wi-fi" to "wife".
Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.
Great food, but no atmosphere.
Dad: hmmmm these socks must be Catholic Me: why? Dad: cause they are very holey
The lamp is then fastened by the sea, just so none of the townsfolk get into trouble. One day, an inquisitive young chap opens the lamp and the wizard starts wreaking havoc upon the town. All the scientists gather and decide to chemically dissolve the lamp. But all the chemicals they have fail to work. They try to burn it, melt it and what not but nothing works. Finally one scientist says “I know exactly what we should do. Pour excessive chemicals and try to dissolve it. I know we’ve tried it before but let’s give it another shot.” They bring in acids and other corrosives from the neighbouring cities and pour it on the lamp and it successfully dissolves and the wizard disappears. Everyone is amazed and asks the scientist “How did you know about the extra chemicals?” The bald, black scientist looks at them and says “Oh that’s easy. Moored urn problems require more darn solutions.”
