Geez Puns

My partners in the geology lab were upset about not sharing my earthquake data.

It’s completely my fault though

"I'm like Kool-aid".

ten minutes later dad runs back into the room

"No! Wait! I'm cooler than Kool-aid. I'm iced tea."

He still calls himself "iced tea" under his breath sometimes.

Fizz-ics

Geez, that freaky old man loaded his shotgun with salt and shot me. Really weird feeling after, like, I was never ass-salted before

“Geez! Don’t you start too!” I screamed.

I didnt want to be caught money laundering

A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.

"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers, "Yes."

After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"

She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."

Kiddo: Geez whiz dad, we didn't get any snow at all this year!

Papa: Yeah, it never used to be like this back in the colden days...

Everyone: sigh

Louise

The door opened and I said: "After you my dear". Her response: "Thank you my elk"!

It took me a while to realize it, but damn I'm proud.

Edit: Geez thanks for all the entertaining comments, I woke up to a plethora of notifications! I appreciate it everyone.

Me: “This thing is going to be huge.”

Son: “Why? It’s only three floors high.”

Me: “Look at that elevator shaft! They’re going to build more on!”

Son: “Geez Dad, that’s a bit harsh.”

One muffin turned to the other muffin and says, “Geez, it’s getting awful hot in here!” The other Muffin says, “Holy Crap!!! A talking muffin!”

At the grocery store with my wife and we walk past the meat counter.....

Me: Oh these ribs must be the extras!

My Wife: Huh? What are you talking about?

Me: The package says they are Spare Ribs.

My Wife: Oh geez, you really need to stop.

A seer-sucker.

A bro-chure

Obligatory formatting from cell phone sorry.

Series of events that unfolded.

Laying in bed with wife she rips the tag off her pillows and says

Wife: I’ve been meaning to do this “bye-bye”

Me: geez Nancy pelosi

Wife : points at pillow it’s pillowsi.

I told him,”Geez, I didn’t know you were racist.”

Would they be called cellfies?

Cuz their horns don't work.

My friend got a static shock, and in the span of 5 minutes I rattled off these:

• Geez, that's shocking news.

• How are you current-ly feeling?

• Don't give me that look. I'm just trying to energize you.

• Looks like I gotta amp up my jokes.

• I'm gonna hit you with a battery of jokes until you laugh.

• Don't let your sense of humor be so static.

• This isn't a crime, you can't charge me with anything.

• Wire you so upset?

• Do you want me to plug the stream of jokes?

Me: My body is tearing itself apart.

My friend: Geez, don't overy-act.

Me: I bought a dozen eggs and hard boiled them. When I peeled the first one and cut into it, it had two yolks.

Him: Yeah? What were the yolks?

Me: oh geez, Dad. Yolks! Not jokes. facepalm

Up high!

Down low!

(No, I am not too slow, come on dad, oldest trick in the book!)

In space!

(No, I will not get it "in the face"! Geez, dad.)

On Mars!

(Where is he going with this?)

On Jupiter!

(He wouldn't.)

On Uranus!

(He did.)

Me - "Oh it was a long day school then work and now I'm beat"

GF - Giggling "Hi beat, I'm Turnip"

Geez a 2 in one i think she is ready

My dad supplies the swords and weaponry to medieval times.

Dad:This day is just like a very large, magical and mythical reptile.

Me: How so

Dad: It's a dragon

Co worker asked "geez have a muscle spasm?"

I was staring the laundry, and accidently dropped a sock as I carried the pile of clothes to the washing machine.

My wife picked it up and teasingly said "your dropped a sock".

I responded "geeze, who kew doing the laundry could be so agitating".

The look of confusion, then shock and statements of "no... No... Why!" were worth it.

A little backstory: my girlfriend has had a small lizard living in her house recently. She's likened him to the mascot of a specific insurance company. Today, she found him looking rather ill and decided to release him outside.

Cue to me leaving her house tonight. As I walked out the door:

Me - "goodnight!"

Her - "Wait!"

Me - "Geez. You scared me. I thought I was stepping on something."

Her - "No, I just forgot to give you something. Oh no! The poor lizard! That would've been terrible!"

Me - " I know!! ... ... He would've never been able to achieve his Olympic dreams as a Gecko roman wrestler."

Her - "Go. Now."

My Grandfather passed it on to my dad who I picked it up from and now my son just looks at me. It works for almost everything.

-Anyone: "geez it's cold outside"

-me: "yeah it's not very warm either"

Or

-"look how small that car is" -"it's not very big either"

"I think that guy is sleeping over there" "Yeah, he's not very awake either"

So yeah, not the best, but it's somthing I constantly do whenever I can think of the opposite.

co-worker: What's the name of the customer again?

me: Ah, geez. Hold on, I'm drawing a blank...

co-worker: Well put the pen down then!

So we were eating cannelloni (meat-stuffed pasta burritos of deliciousness) and as I finish my third cannelloni, I say, "geez I am stuffed", to which he replied "no, this pasta is stuffed

... And my dad walks into the living room in his boxers and asks what I am doing.. Me: "Waiting for my SO" Dad: "Ah man. Geez" M: "What? We can work out after she leaves in an hour" D: "No. It's not that. I'm in my boxers" M: "So? She wouldn't care" D: "No. I just don't want her to trip"

Dad dicks.