"I went to have my hair cut."
"But ! You're on company time."
"Well, my hair grows on company time."
- Waiter: you asked for some mice!
Because they are insects, it's a feature...not a bug.
"To be honest, it was off the top of my head."
...I don't care if they both are!
"Oh yeah. You should see the other guy!"
It's where you go if you don't believe in gosh.
He just needed somewhere to vent.
My cousin: What the heck is a praline?
My father: It's a priest with one leg!
I thought I would share a joke from my own Dad.
Dad: " I'm like a six sided shape"
Me: "....... What do you mean?"
insert long exasperated silence
Dad: " All my hecks are gone!!"
Friend: -Sighs-
Me: -AGGRESSIVELY LOUD SIIIIIIIIIIIGH-
Friend: "The heck was that?"
Me: "I heard you were sighin', so I thought I'd join you and go super sighin.
(Dragonball Z joke with Saiyans)
Background to this joke: Took me years to get the perfect setup for this joke. Needed a bunch of friends present for maximum groans/laughs, needed to remember to do it, and needed friend to sigh and follow up to my ridiculous-ness. It was one of my most satisfying jokes I've told.
when he passes a man who notices him and yells:
"What the heck?! Bears don't know how to ride bikes!
The bear replies: "oh right, i forgot!" and tips over.
My uncle used to tell me this joke as a kid and it took me a while to understand the tiny but valuable lesson behind it.
How the heck did it take me 13 years (watched it in 2008) for me to get that (probably a double) car pun. “Radiator springs”, cuz Car radiators. Correct me if I’m wrong.
They get into a huge fight about the best way to start the camp fire.
The two sit in silence for a few moments, cold and frustrated
The dad promptly reaches into his backpack, grabs a pair of scissors and tears into the wall of their canvas shelter.
The son yells, "What the heck are you doing, you maniac?!!?!?"
The dad turns to him, looks him dead in the eyes, and says, "Just trying to cut the tent-son."
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says $30,000.
The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"
I'm colorblind, heck
Where the heck is the ceiling?
Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Edit: good lord, I didn’t know someone else posted this previously. I thought it was funny as heck and my kids rolled their eyes when I told it SO THERE.
Not having much knowledge of the animals, he asks the owner to show him around and tell him about different breeds. "Sure, let's go," says the owner, and brings him over to the paddocks.
"So a lot depends on what you want the animal for," he says, and gestures to a powerful stallion running laps. "Over there, you've got your Type A horse: strong, fast, and a little unpredictable, but great if you want to get somewhere in a hurry."
"I think that'd be a little much for me," the man says, and the owner nods, then brings him over to see a mare quietly chomping at some hay in the shade. "This is a Type B horse - tends to be quiet and they're good companions, but not much for doing work."
The man pauses to think about what he wants the animal for, then looks over at a nearby pond and sees a horse swimming and diving over and over again. "What the heck is that one doing?" he asks the owner. "Oh, him? That's a C horse."
How the heck do we drive this thing?
It wasn't that difficult, but it was time consuming
Outlaws are wanted.
But when he told me the fish were biting I said, “heck no!”
Never mind, I shouldn’t spread it. You know, my mom doesn’t like when I tell jokes about butter but... ah heck, I’m already on a roll!
It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying
2 was enjoying a special position in the sequence of numbers. It was the only even prime number. All the other even numbers existed only because 2 existed. Heck, even computers ran on base-2.
As a result, 2 looked down upon all the other numbers, but no one could do anything about it.
3 and 5 conspired against 2 and decided they needed to do something so that it lost its powers. They kidnapped 2, and through magic divided 2’s powers equally among themselves. 2 ceased to exist. 3 and 5 both increased by 1.
Looking at 2’s dead body, they said, “Now we are even.”
Scared the heck out of everyone else in the frozen food section.
I’m going to name it Wok Around the Clock.
He goes up to the bartender and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, then takes out a gun, shoots the piano player, and goes to walk out.
The bartender says what the heck are you doing?
I'm a panda. It's what I do. Look it up.
So the bartender gets out his dictionary. You know, for settling bets. You didn't have a problem with the piano player, just go with it.
So, sure enough, there it is in the dictionary.
Panda bear, noun. Not a true bear, eats shoots and leaves.
Panda-monium
They're always getting ripped off.
It scares the heck out of their dogs!
It probably blows...
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says $30,000.
The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"
