"Where the heck have you been for the last 2 hours?"

"I went to have my hair cut."

"But ! You're on company time."

"Well, my hair grows on company time."

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
🚨︎ report
- Me: why the heck is there small rodents in my drink?
  • Waiter: you asked for some mice!
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
heck
πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Benevolent_Cloud
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
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My clippers ran out of juice half way through shaving so I started to beat the heck out of em...

...for extra battery

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/clouc1223
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Fly as heck
πŸ‘︎ 275
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BilliTheGoat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Why the heck do cockroaches in India and Japan fly?

Because they are insects, it's a feature...not a bug.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CyberSpork
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Heck man, I had 4 cans of alphabet soup earlier and now I have huge vowel movements
πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vapingpigeon94
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2019
🚨︎ report
After playing our set at the local block party, a group of kids walked up to the stage and the leader laughed, "You rock pretty good for a buncha ole geezers, but why the heck did you name your band, 'Bald Patch'!?" I shrugged and said...

"To be honest, it was off the top of my head."

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm going to heck for laughing
πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PungentMayo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Life is about changing perspectives and priorities. Heck, I used to worry if one of my hairs was out of place, but now...

...I don't care if they both are!

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Accidentally punched myself (true story) and now I have a black eye (also true story). People say "That must've been one heck of a fight."

"Oh yeah. You should see the other guy!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
🚨︎ report
What's heck?

It's where you go if you don't believe in gosh.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2019
🚨︎ report
What the heck is this aboat
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/datboi1523
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2018
🚨︎ report
The HVAC pro was madder than heck...

He just needed somewhere to vent.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2019
🚨︎ report
What the heck is a praline?

My cousin: What the heck is a praline?

My father: It's a priest with one leg!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/R_Trillion
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2015
🚨︎ report
Oh heck.

I thought I would share a joke from my own Dad.

Dad: " I'm like a six sided shape"

Me: "....... What do you mean?"

insert long exasperated silence

Dad: " All my hecks are gone!!"

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/routinemiracles
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2013
🚨︎ report
I can do calf raises just by mooving it.
πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lifeboat777
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Cars 1 β€œradiator springs” car pun

How the heck did it take me 13 years (watched it in 2008) for me to get that (probably a double) car pun. β€œRadiator springs”, cuz Car radiators. Correct me if I’m wrong.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BrandiBlitz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
🚨︎ report
A man and his boy are out on their first camping trip...

They get into a huge fight about the best way to start the camp fire.

The two sit in silence for a few moments, cold and frustrated

The dad promptly reaches into his backpack, grabs a pair of scissors and tears into the wall of their canvas shelter.

The son yells, "What the heck are you doing, you maniac?!!?!?"

The dad turns to him, looks him dead in the eyes, and says, "Just trying to cut the tent-son."

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wushock4
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
🚨︎ report
A Frog and a Bank Loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bstie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Roses are gray, violets are gray

I'm colorblind, heck

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NotA_Drug_Dealer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Last night as I lay in bed staring at the stars I thought to myself

Where the heck is the ceiling?

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you know SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus? Did you know β€œtuba” is also an acronym?

Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus

Edit: good lord, I didn’t know someone else posted this previously. I thought it was funny as heck and my kids rolled their eyes when I told it SO THERE.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/coolhandhutch
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
🚨︎ report
A man decides to fulfill his lifelong dream of owning a horse, and goes to a local breeder

Not having much knowledge of the animals, he asks the owner to show him around and tell him about different breeds. "Sure, let's go," says the owner, and brings him over to the paddocks.

"So a lot depends on what you want the animal for," he says, and gestures to a powerful stallion running laps. "Over there, you've got your Type A horse: strong, fast, and a little unpredictable, but great if you want to get somewhere in a hurry."

"I think that'd be a little much for me," the man says, and the owner nods, then brings him over to see a mare quietly chomping at some hay in the shade. "This is a Type B horse - tends to be quiet and they're good companions, but not much for doing work."

The man pauses to think about what he wants the animal for, then looks over at a nearby pond and sees a horse swimming and diving over and over again. "What the heck is that one doing?" he asks the owner. "Oh, him? That's a C horse."

πŸ‘︎ 261
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Two goldfish are in a tank. One fish turns to the other and says

How the heck do we drive this thing?

πŸ‘︎ 175
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ConnorM1911
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried eating a clock once

It wasn't that difficult, but it was time consuming

πŸ‘︎ 46
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Klaus-012
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the difference between In-Laws and Outlaws

Outlaws are wanted.

πŸ‘︎ 210
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Would anyone like a brownie? Free of charge!
πŸ‘︎ 54
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_sewer_rat_0900
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My buddy invited me to go fishing with him.

But when he told me the fish were biting I said, β€œheck no!”

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PulkPush
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Did any of you hear the rumor about butter??

Never mind, I shouldn’t spread it. You know, my mom doesn’t like when I tell jokes about butter but... ah heck, I’m already on a roll!

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jaden_strommer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I got tear free soap in my eye

It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Firebird_Frenzy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Once upon a time in numberland, the numbers 3 and 5 were jealous of the number 2.

2 was enjoying a special position in the sequence of numbers. It was the only even prime number. All the other even numbers existed only because 2 existed. Heck, even computers ran on base-2.

As a result, 2 looked down upon all the other numbers, but no one could do anything about it.

3 and 5 conspired against 2 and decided they needed to do something so that it lost its powers. They kidnapped 2, and through magic divided 2’s powers equally among themselves. 2 ceased to exist. 3 and 5 both increased by 1.

Looking at 2’s dead body, they said, β€œNow we are even.”

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/keychainoi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
There are 10 types of people in the world, those that understand binary and those who don’t.
πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stevebrine
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I shot my first turkey today...

Scared the heck out of everyone else in the frozen food section.

πŸ‘︎ 59
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I plan to open a 24 hour Chinese restaurant.

I’m going to name it Wok Around the Clock.

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RichyCigars
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Sumo wrestlers are big in Japan
πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GaryTheKnight
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Are short puns off limit?
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/C0deNerd
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
🚨︎ report
So this panda bear walks into a bar.

He goes up to the bartender and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, then takes out a gun, shoots the piano player, and goes to walk out.

The bartender says what the heck are you doing?

I'm a panda. It's what I do. Look it up.

So the bartender gets out his dictionary. You know, for settling bets. You didn't have a problem with the piano player, just go with it.

So, sure enough, there it is in the dictionary.

Panda bear, noun. Not a true bear, eats shoots and leaves.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lfantine
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a group of pandas in confusion and creating chaos?

Panda-monium

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/syheadafsar
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?

They're always getting ripped off.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KingSharkIsBae
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Two wrongs don’t make a right

But two Wrights sure do make a heck of a good airplane

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Why don't blind people skydive?

It scares the heck out of their dogs!

πŸ‘︎ 417
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RageMonster17
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2018
🚨︎ report
Somewhere out there is a guy who makes wind chimes for a living!

It probably blows...

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLonelyFalcon
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a thug with a riddle?

Beats the heck out of me!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bennettizen
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2020
🚨︎ report
A Frog and a Bank Loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bstie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report

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