All this fuss about joining the mile high club?

I personally couldn't give a flying fuck.

πŸ‘︎ 679
πŸ‘€︎ u/DarkBlueMullet
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2017
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So my fiance recently divorced from her stay at home ex whose name is Ali. He was making a fuss about not getting his cash settlements from the divorce. I had to calm her down and tell her to

Pay Alimony.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ‘€︎ u/roha5090
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2019
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I still don't see what the fuss is about
πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lucidlarceny
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2018
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My dad dropped this one on the family when my young nephew started fussing.

My young (about a year old) nephew was really grumpy all day and kept crying. My dad was holding him at the time, and my mom asks my dad, "Do you thing he's teething?". To which my father replies, "No, I'm pretty sure he's theriouth ("serious", but said with a lisp)".

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ‘€︎ u/lightwizard
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2014
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Did you hear about the dinosaur with an easy to install umbrella on it's head?

Yeah, the Parasol-was-low-fuss

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/JimmyMcClure
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
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How do we combat Erection Fraud?

We pitch tents in front of the White House and protest.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/Shadow_strife
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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The Letdown

A high schooler wants to ask his best female friend to prom. Because they’ve been friends for so long, he really wants to make his β€œpromposal” special. He talks to his friends, he talks to her friends, and spends days planning the perfect moment. Happily, she says yes!

Over the next couple of months, she sends him different styles and colors of ideas for her dress. He tells honestly that she’s always been beautiful to him, and privately to himself, he is now realizing he has strong feelings for her. He knows he needs to tell her.

The night of the prom, he’s extremely anxious. What if he says something stupid? What if she laughs at him or doesn’t return his feelings? What if she thinks he’s a terrible dancer? All of these thoughts are swirling around in his mind as both their parents fuss over them and make them pose for a million photos.

They get to the prom and he’s even more anxious. It’s dark, it’s loud, it’s crowded. They have to shout to be heard. But she grabs his hand, leads him to the dance floor, and they forget everything and everyone around them. A while later, as the songs have gotten slower, he can feel his heart pounding. He thinks it’s finally the right time. He leans down and whispers the truth in her ear, the truth about having loved her since they met in second grade. She starts to cry happy tears, saying she’s always loved him too, and they kiss. As the song ends and changes to something fast again, he asks her if she’d like to sit and have a drink. She says yes, could he please get her some punch?

He feels like he’s walking on clouds as he goes over to where the drinks and food are laid out. He wants to get back to her right away and hopes he doesn’t have to wait too long at the refreshments table.

He makes his way through the crowd, and is able to get their drinks and return to his waiting love within just a couple of minutes. Because, would you believe it?

There was no punch line.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrsBunnyPants26
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
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Here is what my dad posts to Facebook...

It's either pictures of birds or things like these:

"Did you hear about the hipster who burnt his tongue? He ate pizza way before it was cool!"

"I heard they found that girl Amber who was missing." (There was an Amber alert in MD that day)

"Know what happens when you take "the" out of psychotherapist."

"If life gives you melons, You might be dyslexic."

"Six more weeks of winter isn't so bad when you consider the official first day of spring is seven weeks away."

"At first, I hated the speed bump they put in my front street... But I'm slowly getting over it."

"Why is it impossible for a horse to major in philosophy? You can't put DeCartes before the horse!"

"Why did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank gourmet coffee before it was cool."

"Q. How many Surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Fish"

"I was going to take all of my old watches and hook them together to make a belt... But then I realized that would be a waist of time."

"Why all the fuss about the Redskins changing their name.

Just change the mascot to a Potato.

Then it's not only un-offensive but delicious."

"I think the NSA is spying on me. They're leavesdropping in my yard."

Bonus picture status

πŸ‘︎ 463
πŸ‘€︎ u/GargoyleSparkles
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2014
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Deja Moo

Oh MOOgosh. This might just sound like a load of Bull, but please STEER me out.

Deja Moo (Sung to the tune of Fresh Prince of Bel-air)

Now these are puns all about COWS

Their milk gets flipped, churned all around.

And I’d like to take a minute but I won’t stop and prattle

And tell you this story you haven’t HERD about cattle.

In IstanBULL I was born and BRAISED.

In the pastures back then in my HAYDAYS.

Chewing cud, RUMPING round, and making a fuss.

TANNING out so UDDERLY ridiculous.

When a couple of HEIFERS who had BEEF with me

Started BULLying on my Brand , you see.

I got TIPPED over once and my mom got scared

She said you're MOOvin your behind, your butt, your DAIRY Air.

I whistled for a calf and when it came near

Thought she was a babe, but HE was a STEER!

If anything I can say this STEAK is rare

But that Bovine was BO-FINE so I didn’t care!

I got milked a few times, maybe 7 or 8

More like long-gonehorn, than reliable date.

So I CHUCKED out the udder half of the pasture,

Bevo ain’t a cow, don’t got what I’m after.

Fun fact: a Dairy Cow can produce 125lbs of saliva a day.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ‘€︎ u/KrazyCasey412
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2016
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My little brother sat down at dinner after getting his ear pierced for the first time...

No one notices for a minute or two until my dad catches sight of it.

"Oh H! You got a bit of metal in your ear."

Mum starts fussing straight away but quickly calms down.

"Where'd you get it done?" She asks.

Without skipping a beat dad says.

"In his left ear"

πŸ‘︎ 212
πŸ‘€︎ u/littlelondonboy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2014
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Got to dad joke my sister today!

My sister was putting my niece down for a nap today, but she was having some trouble getting her to calm down. After a little while of some fussing, my sister came out of her daughters room. I looked up and said "I guess she was resisting a-rest."

My sister was not amused.

πŸ‘︎ 125
πŸ‘€︎ u/brilliant_fungi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2014
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New dad, wife is now mad at me.

We just had our first child Saturday evening. On Sunday, she fussed at me about making her laugh (because it hurt), so I agreed to limit myself to dad jokes. She was okay with this. She then asked for her slippers. As I'm putting them on her, I say "I'm not sure why they call them slippers, that's the last thing I'd want to do." Now I'm not allowed to tell dad jokes either.

πŸ‘︎ 154
πŸ‘€︎ u/z6joker9
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2014
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Sending the kids off

So we are talking on the phone and the kids are fussing in the background. My wife says, "ok, i have to address these kids."

And i say... "Ok, let me know their new zipcode" getting old man

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ‘€︎ u/atlastrabeler
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2016
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Couldn't sleep last night, so I stayed up watching videos of Mel Gibson giving support to Jewish communities.

I don't know what all the fuss is about Mel atonin', because I didn't get a wink of sleep.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLameSauce
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2015
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Saw my Dad over the long weekend. I knew I was home when he said this ...

My mother was cleaning the kitchen and fussing about the coffee. "I need my coffee," she said. "I don't have patience." Without skipping a beat, my Dad countered. "Good thing you're not a doctor." Then he turned to me to see if I got it. Man I love my Dad.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ‘€︎ u/birurya
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2014
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A tense conversation with the wife

wife sneezes
baby wakes and starts to fuss
wife: Sorry little one didn't mean to wake you when I snooze
me: snoze?
wife: sure, freeze: froze, sneeze: snoze.
me: so is the present tense of chose "cheese?"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tift
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2015
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Our son doesn't like being swaddled

Our 3 week old son doesn't like to be swaddled up with his hands at his side. He raises a fuss if he isn't able to move his hands around. My wife pointed out that he likes hands free.

Me: "I'll get him a bluetooth for Christmas now."

She wouldn't even acknowledge what I said.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/Yoshi_XD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2014
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