Son, your daddy's going to be home soon. The prison ran out of metal furniture so they assigned me to a cell with with an inflatable bed.

It's an air-rested development.

Love, Dad

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Torley_
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 30 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
"Daddy, there is a man at the door. He says he is collecting for the nursing home."

"That's perfect. Tell him grandpa is coming in a moment."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 15 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Daddy, on your way home from work can you get some spring water?

Nope, until tomorrow they only have winter water

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/minnick27
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 19 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 23
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/communist_scumbag
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I love telling dad jokes.

Sometimes he laughs.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/robar98
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My daughter asked how old she will be next month.

My daughter woke me around 11:50pm last night. My wife and I picked her up from her friend Sallyโ€™s birthday party, brought her home and put her to bed. My wife went to the bedroom to read and I fell asleep watching basketball.

โ€œDaddyโ€, she whispered tugging my shirt.

โ€œGuess how old Iโ€™ll be next month?โ€

โ€œI donโ€™t know, honey.โ€ I said as I slipped on my glasses. โ€œHow old?โ€

She smiled and held up 4 fingers.

Itโ€™s now 7:30am. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hours. She still refuses to tell us where she got them.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 20
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sarcasticpremed
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A legit conversation today with my 2 1/2 year old son as we do our daily stroll past a train station that for once, has no trains stationed...

Son: Daddy, where is Thomas? Daddy: I donโ€™t know, mate. Son: He must be working from home today.

Is this his first dad joke?? Strange what they must be picking up from conversations. Got me good.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 597
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/dens382
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The Dad , the Daughter and her prayers.

A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed. The daughter says โ€œGod bless Mummy and God Bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad.โ€ The father says, โ€œGood bye Grandad? Why is that?โ€ The daughter says, โ€œJust because I felt like it.โ€ The next day, Grandad drops dead. The father canโ€™t believe the coincidence, but decided not to question it. That night, he listens to the daughterโ€™s prayers again. She says, โ€œGod bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.โ€ The father is shocked again and asks his daughter why, but she says again, โ€œJust because I felt like it.โ€ The next day, the Grandma drops dead and now the Father is getting worried but doesnโ€™t know what to do, so he tries to forget about it. That night, he listens to his daughter again and she says, โ€œGod bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy.โ€ The father is now terrified and goes to work the next day sweating, cancels all of his meetings, and hides in his office for the whole day. He doesnโ€™t go home and stays there until midnight. Heโ€™s very surprised. โ€˜Iโ€™ve cheated death!โ€™ he thinks to himself, then rushes home. His wife asks, โ€œWhere have you been?!โ€ and the husband says, โ€œOh donโ€™t ask me any questions, todayโ€™s been miserable.โ€ The wife replies, โ€œYour days been miserable? Well, listen to my day! Firstly, the milk man drops dead on the porchโ€ฆโ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/HereIsAFookinName
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening.

Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up.

So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave and heads over to his friend's.

He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink.

As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion.

She looks a bit sad and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.

This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.

When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward and a steady relationship between the two is struck.

This lasts a good while, having its ups and downs like any college relationship, but eventually the day comes when they both graduate.

The two couldn't be happier!

They both get jobs close to one another and move into an apartment together.

One day, the partner-onion is anxiously awaiting the lawyer-onion at home.

She's been ill all day and checking has confirmed her suspicions.

She tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to the lawyer-onion; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together.

A shallot, if you will.

A few days later, this prompts the lawyer-onion to propose to his heretofore girlfriend-onion.

They are soon wed, having a fantastic wedding-day and husband and wife-onions are on top of the world.

The day comes of the birth and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents.

Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.

Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic.

He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.

One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.

The lawyer-onion (now a partner-onion in a prestigious law firm due to chance and hard work) is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard.

She glances away to take another plate and turns her vision back to

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 66
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Tea

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/hayeshilton
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
It's a proud day

On the way home from daycare, my 5 year old (Freddie), my 2.5 year old (Timmy) and I had a short conversation. Timmy really likes it when everyone is happy, so he asks a lot.

Timmy: Are you happy daddy?

Me: Yeah, I'm happy.

Freddie: I'm happy Timmy!

Timmy: No! <Laughing> I'm happy Timmy! You're happy Freddie!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Noggin01
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why does a duck have feathers?

To cover up his butt quack.

Iโ€™m watching โ€œDaddyโ€˜s Home 2โ€œ on Amazon Prime right now. Iโ€™m crying with laughter...it just hit me so funny.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Gabriel_Aurelius
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 19 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My son had a dream last night.

He dreamed that his teacher died in a car crash and came to us in a panic worried and telling us to warn her. My wife and I told him that it was just a dream and to go back to bed. The next day he came home crying because his teacher never made it to work and died in a car crash. We were worried but explained to him it must have been a coincidence.

A few weeks later he rushed into our room again crying saying he saw daddy die in a dream but didnt remember how. My wife calmed him down but now I was seriously worried. The next day I went to work in a constant panic. The drive there, all day throughout work scared if something would happen. All day nothing.

I finally got home and came to the door to see my wife. I told her I had the worst day of my life. She turned to me and said,"you think you had an awful day? This morning after you left for work the mailman died on our doorstep!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MaezRunner097
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 02 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Dad, how much money do you make?

A man came home from work late again, tired and irritated, to find his 5 year old son waiting for him at the door.

โ€œDaddy, may I ask you a question ?โ€

โ€œYeah, sure, what is it ?โ€ replied the man.

โ€œDaddy, how much money do you make an hour?โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s none of your business! What makes you ask such a thing?โ€ the man said angrily.

โ€œI just want to know.ย  Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?โ€ pleaded the little boy.

โ€œIf you must know, I make $20.00 an hour.โ€

โ€œOh,โ€ the little boy replied, head bowed.

Looking up, he said, โ€œDaddy, may I borrow $9.00 please?โ€

The father was furious. โ€œIf the only reason you wanted to know how much money I make is just so you can borrow some to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed.ย ย  Think about why youโ€™re being so selfish.ย  I work long, hard hours every day and donโ€™t have time for such childish games.โ€

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.

The man sat down and started to get even madder about the little boyโ€™s questioning.ย  How dare he ask such questions only to get some money.

After an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think he may have been a little hard on his son.ย  May be there was something he really needed to buy with that $9.00 and he really didnโ€™t ask for money very often.

The man went to the door of the little boyโ€™s room and opened the door.ย  โ€œAre you asleep son?โ€ he asked.

โ€œNo daddy, Iโ€™m awake,โ€ replied the boy.

โ€œIโ€™ve been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier,โ€ said the man.ย  โ€œItโ€™s been long day and I took my aggravation out on you. Hereโ€™s that $9.00 you asked for.โ€

The little boy sat straight up, beaming.

โ€œOh, thank you daddy!โ€ he yelled.

Then, reaching under his pillow, he pulled out some more crumpled up bills.ย  The man, seeing that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.

The little boy slowly counted out his money, then looked up at the man.

โ€œWhy did you want more money if you already had some?โ€ the father grumbled.

โ€œBecause I didnโ€™t have enough, but now I do,โ€ the little boy replied.

โ€œDaddy, I have $20.00 now.ย  Can I buy an hour of your time?โ€

The father looked upon his son with a smile as he walked towards the door and said "Overtime is double pay."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/cleverley1986
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 03 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Getting some keys cut

I took my daughter to get some keys cut at Home Depot. She picked out a pink one and I picked out a super awesome Star Wars key. They cut her key first followed by mine

"Daddy, the machine is louder cutting your key"

"Well kiddo, that's because Star Wars keys need more Force"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 109
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/minnick27
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 26 2016
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My wife took our daughter for her first haircut and it didn't go as planned...

I came home from work and my wife pointed upstairs.

I just knew that our daughter had locked herself in her room and was crying her eyes out.

I knocked softly on the door and said, "Honey? Are you ok?"

She whimpered, "Daddy! I hate my haircut!"

I replied, โ€œDonโ€™t worry, itโ€™ll grow on you.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 02 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My dad got dadjoked my 7 yr old sister

I've been in a car all day waiting to get home to tell this one. As we were driving down the road, we pass by a pasture full of hay bales when all of a sudden my sister yells out "hey daddy!" My dad responds with a generic "yes?" To which my sister replies with "oh, I was just showing you the hay over there." I love my sister.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/cthomasm1994
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 14 2015
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
PeeU

Came home from work and my son ran right to me. I knew something was going throught that 4 year olds brain when he ask "um hey daddy?" "Hey buddy what's up?" He then asks " can I get a wiiU?.... being a bit stunned but more witted.... " no but I can get you a peeU" as I fake a fart and lift my leg. Proud me watched as he attempted to use it on his mom and sister.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/xstatic6901
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 04 2013
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 76
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Josvys
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I got busted by my 5 year old daughter.

I got home from work yesterday, and the first thing my daughter was was "Daddy, I made brownies!"

"Wow, I said, can eat one?"

She pulled out a plate filled with the letter 'E's made out of brown construction paper. (brown E's).

"You can if you want to, but I don't think you'll like the taste!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 55
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/N8theGr8
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 27 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Probably my first love action dad joke

Driving back from getting groceries..

Son: It looks like we are almost home Daddy.

Dad: That's because we are almost home.

Son: How are we?

Dad: I'm fine, how are you?

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CastorMorveer
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 30 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
This one always enrages my 4 year old.

On the way home from school today...

"I'm hungry, daddy!"

"Hi Hungry Daddy, I'm Regular Daddy!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Go_Phish
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 20 2013
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

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