Saw a vid of Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg exchange Dad jokes for Daddy’s Home 2.
Don’t know if it’s against the rules but here’s the link. https://www.facebook.com/AllDefDigital/videos/1558974744195385/
Chinese take out: 8 dollars. Tip: 2 dollars. Getting home to find out they forgot part of your order...
He gave the toy horses a home in his ___
I bought a record at the charity shop the other day, "Sounds That Wasps Make". I took it home and it sounded nothing like Wasps.
That's when I realised I was playing the Bee side.
My boss told me I had to stay at home for 2 weeks after my wife bought me an espresso in bed this morning.
I mean, I only told him I woke up with a little coffee.
Hey daddy- how do you know when a drink is sick?
It becomes cough-y.
-My 11 year son a few moments after I had coffee go down the wrong pipe and had a bit of a coughing fit.
proud dad noises
I have to tell someone about this because I'm at home alone with my 2 year old and 11 month old, and they're to young to understand my best dad joke ever.
My 2 year old has cereal in her snack cup and just showed me that there was a piece of cereal in her sleeve. I said, "Looks like you got some tricks up your sleeve." GUESS WHAT KIND OF CEREAL SHE WAS EATING!.....IT WAS TRIX!
Edit: Thanks for my first gold!
I called my wife and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home.
She just grunted. I think she regrets letting me name the twins.
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
Got drunk yesterday and puked in the elevator on my way back home.
It was disgusting on so many levels.
An electrician came home very late when night and his wife said
"Wire you insulate"
And he replied "Watts it to you? I'm Ohm ain't I?"
This is the first Dad joke I remember hearing, and it came from my older brother.
(We're not grading for quality here, right?)
What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?
How do homes strike up a conversation?
Son: Daddy I can't sleep
Me: Don't worry son, I'll sing you a lullaby.
Me: Hush little baby, don't say a word.
Me: And never mind that noise you heard.
Me: It's just the beasts, under your bed.
Me: In your closet, IN YOUR HEEEEEEAAAAD!
Me: EXIIIITTT LIIIIGGGHHHT!!!! ...... EEENNTTTERRRR NIIIIGGGHHT!!!
taken from dad jokes
I was walking home from work, talking to my husband on the phone. He asked me where I was. I said I passed a garden full of gnomes. He said he knew the one I was talking about.
I said "So it's a well gnome garden".
I laughed harder than he did.
Why do girls with daddy issues like guys with dad bods?
They’re just looking for a father figure
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun.
Big deal. I have had a Canon printer for years.
Two spiders got married and bought their first home.
I was so happy for the newlywebs.
My 8yo asks, “Daddy, are we antidisestablishmentarian?”
I answered, “No, no we’re not.”
“Then does that make us disantidisestablishmentarian?”
When I get home I'm ripping off my wife's underwear...
.... my God they're cutting into my waist!
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
My wife and I lost a bid on our dream home.
It was in a great community, we put in a very aggressive offer, and took 2nd place. My wife was demoralized, as she had been picturing our future children, upgrades she wanted to make, and how perfect our lives would be together there. I asked if she was ok, and she said, “I’ll be fine”
I said, “Then I’ll be Dandy”
What do you call 2 birds stuck together?
Hired a handy man and gave him a list. When I got home, only items #1, 3, & 5 were done.
Turns out, he only does odd jobs.
Keeping tropical fish at home can have a calming effect on the brain
Due to all the indoor fins
If a one L Lama is a holy man and a 2 L Llama is a beast of burden, what is a three L Llama?
From my 10-year-old: "Daddy, what has it's bottom at the top?"
"I don't know, bud, what?"
"Your legs."
Well done, kid.
I came home from work upset. "My boss fired me because I expressed my opinion," I told my wife.
She said, "That's a human right."
I said, "Yes, my boss is a human."
Having been stuck at home for quarantine, my wife started having this recurring nightmare that our house is made of celery.
Doctors are calling it Stalk Home syndrome.
I’m at home depot where the hoes at???
Employee: “The gardening section, sir.”
I was walking home late on halloween when I heard a loud clop, clop, clop.
I looked back and I was being followed by a coffin. I sped up and so did the coffin. When I couldn't run anymore I searched my pockets for anything to help. I found a few Hall's mentholyptus that I threw at it!! Coffin stopped.
Why did the skeleton run away from home?
Because he had no body!
Tomorrow is joke day at school for my kindergartner so I went to tell my daughter a joke to tell. Tells me she already had one and tells me this! Lol proud dad..
Pirate Ship Captain: I am desperate. Can someone tell me how to write the number 2 in Roman numerals?
We have an awesome tire swing at our home and my two year old started to push it, with no one on it, and I noticed he was pushing it harder and harder and I got worried it would come back and hit him
He was playing with tire.
A friend of mine runs a funeral home
People are dying to go there.
Why is it that nobody who lives within ten miles of Wisconsin's Forest Home Cemetery is allowed to be buried there?
Because they're all still alive!!
A little boy ran up to me " please help, my Dad is in a fight " I followed and we came across two men fighting. I said, " Ok, which one is your Dad ? " ..
.. " I dunno, that's what they're fighting about "
I got hired to paint someone’s home.
I charged for the labor but not the paint. The homeowner said, “why didn’t you charge for the paint?” I said, “don’t worry about the paint. It’s on the house.”
My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."
After all this home schooling, my kid finally lost control
This Is A Paid advertisement: Have a home project you’re working on? For a limited time, Lowes Home Improvement is now selling Levels 2 for the price of 1!
Browsing Home Depot.com...
Under Quikrete 80 lb hug strength concrete bags, I saw the following under Q&A
Q: How many feet are in a bag?
A: No feet, only concrete.
This sub doesn’t allow images, otherwise I’d post it.
Today I was in a home with no internet.
What country is home to the world’s most expensive rollercoaster?
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.
Why did the little boy run away when making a cake? Because it said crack 2 eggs, then beat it.
Cake joke for my cake day!
My friend owns a home siding company with a shady business practice.
I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me.
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
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