I cut my fingers off cutting cheese
I think I have grater problems
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︎ Jun 21 2019
I hate losing SO MUCH I'm honestly considering cutting off my feet!
...that way i will never be defeated again!
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︎ Jul 15 2019
Did you hear about the guy who chopped off his foot when cutting down a tree?
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︎ Jun 05 2014
I talked to a lawyer about suing for the doctor cutting off the wrong leg in my surgery before they cut off the correct one.
The lawyer said I didn't have a leg to stand on.
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︎ May 17 2018
Everyone was cutting off one leg, but not me.
I didn't want to hop on the bandwagon.
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︎ Apr 18 2018
A man got his left hand cut off
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︎ May 30 2021
Always remember, if you cut off your left arm...
....your right arm would be left.
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︎ May 23 2021
Did you hear about the guy who had the left side of his body cut off?
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︎ May 25 2021
I manage to cut off my enemies leg during a sword fight
The enemy: aww, you de-feeted me
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︎ May 28 2021
The vet cut my dog's tail off and told me...
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︎ May 15 2021
Dad, why did they cut off people's hands for theft in the past?
Hmm. I'm going out on a limb here, but I think they just wanted them to hand something back.
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︎ Apr 22 2021
Last night I dreamt I was in a swordfight with a knight, and he cut off the bottom part of my legs.
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︎ Dec 10 2020
Why did the diabetic dad cut off his son's leg?
Because he needed a kid-knee transplant.
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︎ Feb 10 2021
Did you hear about the man who got his left part cut off?
DonΒ΄t worry, heΒ΄s alright now
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︎ Nov 19 2020
A friend of mine cut his finger off at work...
I suppose he'll be getting severance pay.
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︎ Nov 12 2020
Had the wife stop the movie to watch a quick clip. After she sat down I told her" You could cut the dogs feet off".
She said "I don't understand.....".
I said " UN-PAUSE".
I had to explain it to her...
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︎ Oct 30 2020
What happened to the guy whose left side was cut off?
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︎ Nov 09 2020
I accidentally cut off most of my foot
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︎ Aug 03 2020
My friend and I were dolphin-back racing when he cut me off.
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︎ Sep 03 2020
A lumberjack was about to cut off a tree when it suddenly said "Wait! I'm a talking tree!"
The lumberjack then said: "And you will dialogue."
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︎ Aug 26 2020
My daughter asked if she could cut the hair off of one of her barbies to make a boy barbie.
I said "You Ken if you want to."
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︎ Sep 28 2020
This jerk in an expensive vehicle cut me off and expected me to get out of his way.
Ambulances, I can't stand them.
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︎ Jul 24 2020
What happens if you cut both your feet off?
You get two feet shorter.
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︎ Mar 29 2020
I accidentally cut off my right hand today
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︎ Jun 06 2020
Some asshole cut off both my arms and a leg a while ago. But it's ok...
...I don't hold crutches.
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︎ Apr 03 2020
Just became an American so I cut off all my sleeves
Since I now have the right to bare arms
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︎ Feb 01 2020
The doctor cut off both my right hand and my right leg
So with no rights im practically a woman
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︎ Mar 21 2020
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off
I think they're stalking me
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︎ May 16 2020
A friend of mine had a surgery to cut off his left side
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︎ Apr 22 2020
While being tortured I was asked if I'd prefer to have either my arms or legs cut off.
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︎ Apr 14 2020
A princess wants to choose her future husband. Her engineers create a maze full of deadly traps. After the struggle, four princes survive. The first three have both their hands cut off. The fourth one still has one hand left. Which one will she choose?
She will chose the fourth prince: he's the most hand-some.
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︎ Feb 10 2020
A woman tripped and fell off the balcony and had been cut in half. Still conscious, she was quickly rushed to the hospital...
Manager: what did the doctor say to the womanβs family?
Me: after thinking ...yea Iβm not sure
Manager: βshe was ALL RIGHT.β
Me: oh, I thought you were going to say βThereβs nothing LEFT.β
The manager at work got a kick out of that because that was an answer he has never gotten before lol figured Iβd post it here.
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︎ Apr 27 2020
Equine problems
2 girls are chatting, one isn't particularly bright and seems very deep in thought, the other asks what she's thinking about, the not so bright one says she has an issue,
"I have had a horse for years and my parents have just bought me a new one which is virtually identical to the first and I'm struggling to work out which one is which."
The friend suggested she try cutting the mane short on one horse making it easy to identify.
The friend is over the moon and rushes away to try the suggestion.
A few weeks pass and the friends meet up,
The friend and how she got on with the mane cutting trick.
"It was fine for the first couple of weeks but the mane grew back so I'm back to square one."
The friend thinks for a while and suggests cutting the hair on the tail short making identification simple.
Again the girl rushes off to try the suggestion.
A few weeks later they meet again with much the same story, this time the friend suggests measuring the horses height to see if one is taller than the other.
A few weeks later they meet up, the not so clever one is ecstatic and proceeds to tell her friend how it went.
"It was amazing and I hadn't noticed but the black horse was 2 hands taller than the white one".
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︎ May 30 2021
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked
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︎ Oct 13 2019
Did you hear about the guy who got his left side cut off?
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︎ Apr 22 2021
If you cut off your left hand, your right hand will be left.
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︎ Oct 18 2020
did you hear about the guy who got the left side of his body cut off?
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︎ Nov 29 2020
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off?
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︎ Oct 19 2020
Did you hear about the guy whoβs left side was cut off?
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︎ Apr 05 2020
hey did you hear about the guy who cut off the left half of his body??
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︎ Aug 23 2020
Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off?
Oh, heβs all right now...
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︎ Jul 09 2020
Did you hear about the guy that got his left side cut off?
It's ok, he's all right now.
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︎ Jun 09 2020
Did you hear about the guy that got his left side cut off?
It's ok, he's all right now.
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︎ Jun 09 2020
Got the left side of my body cut off.
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︎ Aug 03 2020
Hey did you here about the guy who got his left hand cut off?
Yeah I hear he's all Right.
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︎ Aug 11 2020
My friend had his whole left side cut off in an accident
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︎ Jun 30 2020
I accidentally cut off my left hand today
But on the other hand, I feel all right
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︎ Jun 06 2020
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
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︎ Feb 01 2020
Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off?
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︎ May 22 2020
A friend of mine cut his finger off at work...
So he'll be getting sever ance pay.
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︎ Mar 27 2020
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