Cut Up Puns

He said "Maybe next time you should get premie carrots instead."

I said: “Of course not. I was going to put it up in the living room.”

The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”

The rope replied, “No. I’m a frayed knot.”

I told him to stop and that I would take him to the doctor for a more rofessional job. He told me he wanted to do it as he was working on his first aid merit badge for the boy scouts. So I said, "Suture self."

I didn't realize it was Extra Sharp.

Me: No, thanks.

Nurse: Fine. Suture self...

He says, “I’m applying the turn-a-cut!”

The first line is massive Then they get smaller and smaller

I asked her if she made it from scratch

The second doctor responds, "Suture self."

Because the seal was intact.

(Son's reaction: "I'm just going to pretend I never heard that...")

It really pissed me off. So the next day I got there early and taught his kid how to ride a bike.

And you can never get that back

She knew the crust was my favorite part. She hated me so much.

I joked with him about how the boxes are piling up and I need him to cut them up. He lives overseas so he said that if I buy his plane ticket, he'll come and do the work. I told him that my gardener Ebodio will cut the boxes if I ask him to, and much less money. To make my dad feel better, I (half-jokingly) say that Ebodio's technique is not as good and he will be slower, but he'll be a whole lot cheaper.

My dad's response: "I feel like I am being undercut"

I said: “Of course not. I was going to put it up in the living room.”